میں اور ہنزہ کا آسمان

  یہ ہنزہ کا آسمان ، میری آنکھوں کی طرح ہمیشہ برسنے کو تیار کیوں رہتا ہے؟ کس کی محبت اتنا بےچین رکھتی ہے اسے ۔۔ کیوں چمکیلی دھوپ کے بعد کسی کی جدائی کے بادل سب کچھ ڈھانپ لیتے ہیں ۔۔ کتنا حسن ہے اس وادی کے دامن میں مگر ہجر اوڑھ کر ہر دیکھنے والے کو سحرانگیز کر دیتا ہے۔۔ میرا تمھارا رشتہ کب اتنا بامعنی ہو گیا ہنزہ کے آسمان ، کب تم نے اتنا بلندی سے بھی دل میں جھانک لیا۔ کیسے پڑھ میری انکھوں کی نمی میں تیرتی تنہائی کو ۔۔ کسی کے بےحد انتظار کو کیسے ڈھونڈا میری ہنسی کی کھوکھلی گونج میں ۔۔ میری اداسی کو گھر دینے کے لیے شکریہ ۔۔ بار بار مہمان کرنے کا احسان رہے کا مجھ پہ ۔۔
ہنزہ کے آسمان ، تم  نےتو ہر دوست سے بڑھ کے دوستی نبھائی ، مقروض کیا ہے مجھے ان لمحوں کے لیے جب میرا آسمان ہجر کے بادلوں سے صاف ہو جائے گا ۔۔ تب یہ قرض رہے گا مجھ پہ کہ اپنی پہلی ہنسی اس ہوا کے سنگ تمھاری طرف اچھال دوں۔ وعدہ رہا کہ خوشی کی پہلی رات تاروں بھرے آسمان تلے گزرے گی۔ تب رت جگوں کی دو داستانیں ملیں گی۔ تب آنسوؤں میں ہنسی اور تاروں کی چمک ملے گی۔ اس دن میں یہ اداسی یہیں چھوڑ جاؤں گی ۔۔  ہنزہ کے آسمان ،اس دن میں اور تم یہ تعلق توڑ دیں گے ۔ تب ہم دھوپ اور ہنسی کا رشتہ جوڑیں گے ۔۔ اس دن شاید چیری میں بھی ہجر کی کھٹاس کی بجائے وصل کا ذائقہ ملے گا ۔۔ 

The last nail

I miss someone but i am not sure if that person is you.. In the beginning, he was you or you were him but lately you two are different. you are angry, harsh and unkind. He was polite ,understanding and loving。 He was free in his expression, you are dictated by your ego." People change,times change" .. I understand this but I am not good with change. It scares me and this is not a good change. I am in pain but this pain is despite u. I lost the one I loved and trusted. You are not him. I try so hard to look at you and remember him but the hardness of your eyes ,expressions and voice bring me back to the reality. You hurt me because you know how to hurt me now. He wouldn't have done it. He would have protected me.
If I have to live in pain then why must I endure it unnecessarily? I am walking away.
i dont love you anyway and by the sound of your irritated voice, its safe to say that you have also fallen out of love. Some time ago this was a very painful thought but surprisingly it has brought peace today; like the tranquility you feel right after the first glance at home after a long tiresome journey or  the relief when you lay down on your bed after a long day of running around doing errands.
We found our common ground for a brief period of time and it was true in that moment. Today, when you sound and feel like just any other man on the street ,I cant deny the truthfulness of this moment as well. I always wondered about people who fell out of love. It was such a strange concept but now when I m in this situation, i can understand all of them.
I have loads to blame on you. The difference is that like all men you lost patience and like all women I need a patient man. You replaced your kindness with harshness; in your voice as well as your eyes。You stopped being a friend and only acted like a partner with needs. You deliberately started ignoring me and everything I liked and wanted to talk about. You made me believe that I was boring and uninteresting. You made me unnecessarily wait for you and crave for the tiniest bit of attention.
 I kept thinking on your behalf, always trying to be understanding, always trying to be a helping hand, always trying to be supportive and lifting you up. In all this process, I started ignoring myself, I shut out the voice in my head which pointing at the red flags. I thought that the world i have created, the man i have chosen is too perfect.. I kept undermining my 6th sense that i am unhappy, that you are not enough..
I dont know what I will do now. I dont know how to not be with you but I also know your reaction. I can actually see you being insensitive, mean, harsh and hurtful about all this。I can hear you calling me a drama queen or Some other derogatory word.
 I will always remember this version of yours. The one who chose to never understand me and made me cry for days for one simple apology for disgracing me. I will remember that when I tried to communicate this and my distressed condition, you paid zero heed and didnt give it a second thought, let alone feeling any remorse. I will remember that you broke it all for your ego and swelled sense of masculanity.
I am peaceful after days..because I have accepted the truth instead of fighting it. For 19 days, I waited for you to make time so i can tell you all about the happiest times i spent duringvacation. I  wanted you to hear about it all..i wanted you to see through my eyes, and experience my excitment .. so many details I wanted to share only with you. But its ok.. i dont feel upset , sad or teary like previous times, I am actually  happy that I have come to see the reality.
Enclosed are also the pieces of my heart that had your name graved on them. 

Thirty seconds

You remember what you said on a day when the road we were walking on was covered in perfumed mist? You were restless, unsure of your words and your intentions ... we were, after all, in a dream. We didn’t anticipate this journey. "Who bonded us in this moment together?" You and I wondered when the first of the rain drops hit our faces. We searched frantically for a shelter before taking refuge under that huge oak tree. The tree head full of green leaves over our heads like a canopy; filtered through those leaves came the raindrops and struggling sunlight. It was raining on a sunny day.. Rain had met Sun.. you had met me.

Your confusion at finding yourself stranded with me was so apparent. The way you shoved your hands in the pockets of your jeans, the way you leaned back against the tree trunk, the way you concentrated so hard on the little sparrow who had just landed on the ground nearby and the way you blushed under my stare. I had never seen a man blush before, it brought a mischievous smile on my face. I did little to hide my amusement as the redness reached your earlobes.

Our conversation hung heavy between us but neither was ready to initiate it. Hundreds and thousands of tiny details just lurked around us; we chose silence.

The sun and the rain decided to leave together; tired of waiting for us to choose either or both. Mist settled in and we started walking. Your eyes on the road. I glanced at you and what caught my eye were your long black eyelashes. They made peering into your eyes a challenge. ‘If I had these beautiful eyelashes, I would stop complaining about half of the things in my life’- I succumbed to the way they guarded the shyness in your eyes. I knew then that you would always choose silence but I didn't want to look back to silence. I knew it would be too heavy on my heart. It would be too exhausting to stop regretting not saying the words. So I spoke and in return you said those words that I carved on my soul. I don’t know if you saw the way my eyes got bigger and rounder in surprise and a smile tugged at the corner of my lips. This was your personal best, wasn’t it?

Walking on a long , straight , empty road with the stranger girl who had met by chance and knew you’d never see her face again. I didn't even mind that the words were not your own but it humbled me that the words reminded you of me.

“you know if i never see your face again, I will remember.”

Thirty seconds of togetherness and then we stepped into reality again.

Oh my moment.

Leaving a part of me here in Passu - as always!!
What is it about this very spot that grips me so tight? Probably the fact that its so so far away from all the chaos of real world or may be its that very first look at Passu after dawn. The pull of this place is so strong, it makes all the distance worthwhile. 500 kilometers of dreaming until you reach this point, to live in this moment.
oh Passu, did God cast a loving glance at you after your creation because this magic is divine.  Your charm untouched, your spell inhumane. Why do I feel that if I climb on top of the mountain cone, I'd find God on the other side? nearer .. a touch away only..
Even in this moment when I am sitting alone in this cloudy morning in the middle of Karakoram Highway, HE is smiling down on me. I can feel his love seeping into my bones , making me glow ... I feel connected to Him , almost as if He is cradling my fragile self , rocking me into a bliss that was unheard of before this very instance. He knows that it has been days since I have properly prayed but my heart beats in rhythms that praise him, worship him, acknowledge him and surrender to him.. He knows that I am a darvish and my beloved is him but to make my soul dance, We both have to meet in Passu , at dawn.
These moments that are passing by are so precious. When will there be completeness like this ever again? Me, this perfumed air, the faint sound of  a distant river, Passu cones half covered in mist and God - smiling down on me..
Oh my beautiful moment, I wish I knew enough magic to crystallize you , fill you with light radiating from my core and keep you safe in a jar full of fireflies.
I will always cherish you and be grateful to you for choosing me as your person from among a world full of lovers, dreamers, charmers, leaders, pious and rich.. Thank you for opening yet another window for me; for aiding my journey towards completeness.  

Two half stars

A star broke into two before the advent of time ... we both got each half. Yours shone through the smile; mine through my eyes. Our halves gravitated towards each other; we helplessly dragged along .. spellbound ; wonder-struck. Three lines between us ... space, time and faith; yet one core.

The universe's most painfully exalting love story written about us without our permission. What were we except mere puppets in the hands of fate who mercilessly toyed with our innocent hearts. We watched bewildered as our souls donned a dervish garb and started swirling round and round orbiting our single core.

Connected by green adoration and red fear ... we must live in two separate worlds. 

Fading in love.

I stare at the screen and nothing comes to me... Me, who spun words into beautiful tales of love, who dwelled on the thousand words scattered on the floor.. which ones to choose..which ones to let go...
I wish I was still writing about love instead of putting it to test. I wish I had not tried to taste the sweetness of my words on your lips, the strength of my emotions in your arms, the softness of my dreams in your eyes. I was naive to think that it would last forever in your heart just like it never stops flowing through my veins. I was ignorant, wasn't I? Neither I could taste the bitterness of lonely nights and nor could I detect the impatience in the words uttered in those nights.. I was too busy dancing to the virgin tunes of my first love.
When did you stop matching my steps? When did I become a blur to you? Will you ever look back to see that the music has stopped and so have I ; that the colors of my joy are fading .. that my heart is losing the beat.. that my feet are forgetting the rhythm.. that the world is changing ..
but what if you do look back .. would it change that my colors are fading .. or would it only make the death very apparent?
Nobody but I know that I am fading in love..

میرے دوست

 میرے دوست، میں تمھارے بغیر اداس ہوں۔ یہ سرد موسم اب دور پہاڑوں میں بنے لکڑی کے گھر کی یاد نہیں دلاتا۔ اب یہ ہوا بھی صرف جسم کو منجمد کرنے کے لیے چلتی ہے۔ سرِشام دیے جلانے کی خواہش روٹھ سی گئ ہے مجھ سے۔۔۔
میرے راستے منزلوں کا پتہ بھول گئے ہیں۔ میری ہنسی ویران ہو گئ ہے ۔۔ اور میری نگاہیں منتظر ۔۔ تمھارے چند وعدے میری مٹھی میں قید ہیں۔۔ یہ کھو نہ جائیں، اس ڈر سے میں مٹھی نہیں کھولتی ۔۔ تم سے میرا یہ آخری تعلق بھی ٹوٹ نہ جائے کہیں ۔۔ تم لاپتہ نہ ہو جاوؑ کہیں۔۔
میں تمھارے بغیر اداس ہوں ۔۔ تم اس دنیا میں ہو مگر میرے پاس نہیں ہو۔۔ میں تمھیں دیکھ نہیں سکتی، تم سے بات نہیں کر سکتی ، تم ہو اور نہیں ہو۔۔ تمھارے ہونے اور نہ ہونے کے درمیان میری سانس اٹکی ہے ۔۔
کچھ تو اپنے وعدے کا پاس رکھو تم بھی ۔۔ مجھ سے اپنے حصے کی اداسی لے لو۔۔ مجھے بھی یوں یاد کرو کہ کسی کام میں دل نہ لگے ۔۔ تمھارے ہاتھ میں وقت کی ڈور ہے، کوئی تدبیر کرو کہ یہ فاصلے ختم ہوں ، میرے آسماں سے جدائی کے بادل چھٹیں ۔۔ میرے وقت کو راحت نصیب ہو، میری سانس آسان ہو۔ کوِئی حشر برپا کرو ۔۔ گزرتے لمحے جو تنہائیاں لا رہے ہیں ، انہیں تمام کرو ، میری زندگی کے نصاب سے یہ اداسیاں ختم کرو۔۔

۔کیا تم بھی میرے ہونا چاہتے ہو.

میں تم سی دکھنے لگی ہوں .. دیکھو مجھ سے خوشبو آنے لگی ہے  تمہا ری  باتوں کی .. تمارے الفاظ مجھ پہ سجنے لگے ہیں. یہ بھی محبت   کا ایک  رنگ ہے  نا ..ہے نا .؟کہ  مجھے دیکھ کر لوگوں کو تمہا ری یاد آنے لگی ہے.. میری ہنسی کو  تمہا ری بانسری  کی آواز سمجھنے لگے ہیں..  کون کس کے رنگ میں ڈھل گیا ہے ،  کیسے معلوم ہو گا؟

کیا تمھیں بھی محسوس ہوتا ہے کہ تمہارے الفاظ میری بے ترتیب  سانسوں میں گھل کر بوجھل سے ہو گئے ہیں ۔ کیا دھنک کے رنگ میری ٓانکھوں میں اترنے کے بعدتمھیں بھی  ٓاسمان پھیکا لگنے لگا ہے؟ بتاو ۔۔کیا میری چال میں مستی ہوا کی شرارت سے بڑھ کر شریر نہیں لگتی تمہیں؟ کبھی میرا مسکرا کر ہونٹ کو دبانا تمہیں بےخود نہیں کرتا ۔ میں جو سر سے پیر تک تم سی دکھنا چاہتی ہوں۔۔ کیا تمھارا ،مجھ سا دکھنے کا جی نہیں چاہتا؟ میں گھنٹوں تمھارے تصور سے باتیں کرتی ہوں ، کیا تم کبھی کسی ٓاہٹ پہ میری آمد کا گمان کرتے ہو ۔۔ میں تو تمھارے لیے بنائی گئی ہوں ۔۔کیا تم بھی میرے ہونا چاہتے ہو ۔۔ 

ٓآخری ملاقات

آو گزرے وقت کا حساب کرتے ہیں۔ اب جب ہمارے آسمان سے قطب ستارہ اوجھل ہو گیا ہے تو سود و زیاں کا حساب کرتے ہیں ۔۔ جدائی کے اس موڑ پہ اک آخری نگاہ ڈالو مرے چہرے پہ، ہر نقش کو غورسے دیکھو اور ذہن نشین کر لو۔۔ وہ ایک آنسو جو میری آنکھ میں ٹھہر گیا ہے۔۔ تم دیکھو نا اپنا عکس اور ان تمام خوابوں کا بھی جو تمھاری آنکھوں میں سجے تھے۔۔۔ چلو تصور میں، میں تمھارے سامنےسج سنور کر بیٹھ جاتی ہوں اور تم میری تصویر بناو۔۔ لال غرارے اور کندن سی سجی دلہن۔۔ مہندی ، گجرے اور چوڑیاں یوں بنانا کہ دیکھنے والے کو اصلی معلوم ہوں۔ کاجل بھری آنکھوں میں آنسو ٖضرور ہوں یوں کہ ہر کوئی پونچھنے کے لئے ایک بار تو ہاتھ بڑھائے۔۔ میرے پیروں میں چاندی کی وہ پائل ضرور بنانا جس کا وعدہ کیا تھا تم نے۔۔
آو میں بچھڑنے سے پہلے تم کو دعا دوں ۔۔
تمھاری گہری نیندیں میری سرگوشیوں کے وہم سے ٹوٹ جائیں۔۔ میری آہٹ کا گمان تمھارا دھیان نامکمل رکھے، تمھارے کمرے کا وہ کونا میری خوشبو سے ہمیشہ مہکتا رہے اور تمھارے ہاتھ ۔۔۔ مرے لمس کی چاہ میں تا عمر سرد رہیں۔۔
بارش کے قطروں میں تمھیں میرے آنسووں کی نمی ملے اور دھوپ میں میرے بالوں کا سایہ دار ہونا یاد رہے۔۔
تمھاری زبان کومیرے نام کے سوا کوئی ذائقہ یاد نہ ریے اور ہر ساز میں میری ہنسی کی ٓآواز نمایاں ملے۔ سورج کی روشنی میری لونگ کی چمک میں بدل جائے اور چاند میرے عارض کی لالی ۔۔
تمہں چاہنا جتنی میری سزا بنی بس اس سے آدھا ہی میرا عشق تمہیں رلائے تو بھی زندگی سے شکایت کم ہو جائے گی۔۔۔

Thank God, we never made it!

I accidentally stumbled upon a poem I wrote a long time ago.. I read and re read my words which sounded divine, dipped in the innocence and purity, glistening with loyalty and sparkling with love. I wanted to hug my younger self, who authored that, out of sheer affection for the blithering combination of naivety and youth.
If only I could take the younger me out on a coffee date and sit on an old shabby wooden bench in a lonely corner beside a quiet river. I would watch the dark clouds take over the shiny sun and feel the fresh breeze on my face, then I would look intently at the younger me's face and suppress a smile.      " Poor baby" I would think , looking at the fallen face and desperate tears, tense body muscles and a feeble show of strength.
"How you wish , this was not me but him with you in this perfect moment, how this was not a coffee mug but his strong hand that you gripped but you don't realize how lucky you are to not get what you are wishing for!" I would watch you circle your delicate fingers on the rim of the mug,muttering an enchantment under your breath. You think its a secret but I read your lips so clearly " he loves me, he loves me not"
I would want to put my hand firmly on yours and stop you but I wouldn't. I would let you ponder over this for many excruciating instants before nudging you and bringing you back to the reality. I would hear you sigh and feel the temperature drop down by 10 degrees but I would still smile at you warmly. " He is not the savior, he is the one you needed to be saved from" I'd wish I could telepathically show you how the life will turn out to be. How you will evolve to be me. How you will learn life's most valuable lesson because of him but the roles would be different; He will be the worst person to ever set a foot in your precious space. You will despise him more than you have ever felt any love; because he will be the person to show you how ugly life, people and relations can be.
You will realize that you didn't mean anything to him but may be a convenience to achieve something else, an excuse to normalize his evilness, a stop along the way or just a pawn. He will be the first person to make you question your self worth and your decisions. Poor baby, you don't foresee the sleepless nights that you will spend crying to your pillow, not because you will miss him but because you will abhor meeting him. You will spend eternity pretending to others that you are fine when in reality every breath will hurt more than the previous one. He will be imprinted on your soul , much to your dismay and there wouldn't be anything you'd want more than to scratch it off but it won't go away."
I somehow know that you wouldn't believe a word of this breathless speech of mine. My anxious tone, flustered body language and my flushed face wouldn't mean a thing to you because of course how can I fight the sweetness of his tone, the tenderness of his words, the love in his eyes. His lies coated in sugar are sweeter to you than honey and his deception, a clever way to woo you..
"Despite all the heartache, you will be fine. You'll survive in the most beautiful manner possible. Your scars will make you unique and exquisite. The mystery of your sad eyes will redefine you in the eyes of onlookers, so much so that they'd be overawed if not completely smitten."
The younger me would trace the first letter of your name H on the mug and I would watch silently. not finding enough courage within me to whisper into her ear "It's also a lie. try L. EL for Liar, because whatever the name be, this word would befit, always" But instead I would sit in the cold beside my younger self.. "Too soon to break my heart .... a little too soon to wake up in a nightmare.. let yourself be .. let yourself be..." 

check mate.

تم  میرا  عشق  نہیں ، میری سزا ہو. . میرے غرور کا بدنما چہرہ، میرے تکبر کی بھیانک تصویر .. تماری ذات میرے کردار کا آئینہ  ٹھہری جس کو میں نظر بھر کر  دیکھ بھی نہیں سکتی ..میرے وجود کی کراہیت مجھے سانس نہیں لینے  دیتی ...
اس اذیت کا اندازہ میرے سوا کوئی اور لگا بھی نہیں سکتا  کہ دیکھنا چاہوں بھی تو میری نظر میں اب کوئی خوبصورتی باقی نہیں ہے ، ہر اجلا پن  داغدار ہے اور ہر خوشبو میں کڑواہٹ ..  چاہو تو مجھ پے ہنس لو، شاید تمہارا حق ہے اس ہنسی پے جو کبھی میرے نخوت بھرے انداز کا نقارہ ہوا کرتی تھی ، آج سرعام میرے تماشے کی اعلانیہ گھنٹی ہے ...
بیشک لب آج بھی آزاد ہیں مگر گم چکے ہیں وو الفاظ جو کبھی جہاں خود میں سمو لیتے ہیں، آج اپنی بے قدری پے پشیمان کہیں جا سوئے ہیں.. فائدہ نہیں داد رسی کا  کہ  جو وار کیا ہے تقدیر نے وہ خوب کاری گزرا..سانپ، لاٹھی  سب کچھ اسی کے ہاتھ رہا..  اور  ان ہاتھوں نے سمیٹا تو فقط خسارہ .. اب عشق کا حساب ختم ہوا.. 

خرم

.. صرف تین حروف  ۔۔ خ ر م ۔۔خرم اور دنیا کی آدھی روشنی
نہیں آپ  کی زندگی میں  ایسا نہیں  لگتا تھا، اب لگتا ہے .. اب یاد آتا ہے آپ کا ہر لفظ، ہر انداز
.. اپ کی خوشبو، سگریٹ ا ور کولون کی ملی جلی ،بہت مانوس خوشبو..  آپ کا ٹانگ پے ٹانگ رکھ کر بیٹھنا ، خاموشی سے  خلاؤں میں دیکھنا ، ہماری باتوں کے جواب میں بس سر ہلا دینا ... مصباح کی بہت ہی عام سی بات پے  زور سےہنس دینا .. اور نانو کے بعد اپ کا ہمیشہ اداس رہنا
ماموں ، ان چار سالوں میں میں نے بہت  سوچا کہ  اپ کو کہوں کے نانو کے پاس چلتے ہیں، میں اور آپ مگر ماموں مجھے قبر پہ  نہیں جانا تھا. مجھے نانو کے  گھر جانا تھا جیسے ہم جاتے تھے، ہمیشہ ... میں نے خود سے چار سال  جھوٹ  بولا کہ جب بھی میں دوبارہ اس کمرے کا دروازہ کھولوں گی، سب ویسا ہی ہو گا جیسے میرے خیال میں ہے ، جیسا بچپن سے تھا. آپ نے ہر خواب توڑ دیا.
 آپ  کو بھی یقین نہیں آیا  ہو گا نا اس لمحے کہ یہ سانس آخری  ہے جیسے مجھے نہیں آیا تھا .مجھے لگا جیسے خواب ہے، مذاق ہے ،شرارت ہے .سچ کے سوا کچھ بھی ہو  سکتا تھا ..  کتنی حیرت ہو گی آپکی آنکھوں میں ماموں .بھلا یہ انجام کیسے ہو سکتا ہے؟ سب ختم کیسے ہو سکتا ہے؟ ابھی تو تو اتنا کچھ ادھورا ہے.. ابھی تو ہم دوبارہ خوش ہونا تھا، ابھی تو سیکھنا تھا ہمیں کہ جیتے کیسے ہیں. ابھی تو  ہمیں دوبارہ محبت ہونی تھی خود سے، ایک دوسرے سے..معاف کرنا تھا سب کو ...  کیا  آپ نے ہمیں یاد کیا تھا؟ کسی کو پکارا تھا؟  ماموں .. کس کا چہرہ تھا آپکی بند آنکھوں کے پیچھے ؟
 اس دن ہر خواب چکنا چور ہو  گیا ، ہم سب مر گئے ماموں  .. اس دن نانو کا دل دوبارہ بند  ہو گیا ...
 ... روے تو بہت تھے مگر دل میں ابھی حسرت باقی ہے .. وہ لمحہ  بار بار چاہئے جب بےتحاشا رونے کا کوئی بہانہ ہو ، وہ رات چاہیے جب پوری رات اپ کے دل پہ  ہاتھ رکھ کے  گزاری تھی ... اگرچے دھڑکن نہیں تھی ...
...
..بہت ظالم تھا وہ ہاتھ جس نے ہماری تقدیر لکھی

My new year

3 days to go.. I see people getting excited, relieved that they have passed another year, positive that their bad days are about to end and fresh start is just around the corner.. Is it? I look at my reflection in the mirror and I see the same old me.. Same features and same expressions.. A little more tiredness in my smile and more depth in dark brown eyes. I examine my hands and they look old, the bearers of the lines that hold my fate.. what great burden. A stray smile touches my lips that have forgotten to smile in the past few months. Life happened a little too much and a little too fast.. inertia ripped me apart but Thank God, the year is near to its end. Its like seeing a giant monster take its last breath, knowing that you'll be free of its tyranny soon.
While a physical relief spreads over my body, its my mind that I am worried about. My mind which is a terrible place, where colors mix, merge and evolve.. where there is a forest full of butterflies with wings decorated with breathtaking hues of blue, green, yellow and red. There are caves in my mind where fires are lit; Fires that are necessary and dangerous. There are tree houses inside and beaches.. deserts with mud houses as safe havens and lakes with ferries, snow covered mountains... There are worlds inside my mind, not one but several where time is endless and space is unlimited. There is no obligation and not objection..no border and yet its enclosed in a womb like sphere..How incredible is it and how terrifying, to possess a mind like that; A kaleidoscope, third eye, sixth sense, crystal ball and pensieve- everything and yet nothing if you pay close attention. My mind is empty to you- a void which needs immediate therapy to be filled with thoughts. A sense of motivation to keep me going or I will go astray. I will lose my way- my destination will become foggy eventually disappearing from my eyes.
Fearing too much attention, I often shrink like a tortoise. Securing myself from the curious eyes of people who associate themselves with me in one way or the other.. I don an avatar which is rather acceptable. I fill mouth with words that the ears of the masses are accustomed with. I talk science and never the arts.
So what will change in 3 days for me? Will my past go away and not merge in my future? Will my mind start functioning differently? Will the aches that leave me breathless, fade?
There is no new year for me.. My struggle is continuous, not discreet.. Its in loops , not in intervals.. I am beyond the cycles of days and years... I am a moment in myself. I will change my form, not my ways....

Plea

I want to unlove you. Whether unloving a man is a custom or not, I am desperately in need of a way out. There must be a ritual written in the thick books of clairvoyance. Surely there must be people before me who searched for this talisman. A deeply rooted sense of tiredness as a result of a belligerent love. A passion so strong that it leaves your very being tarnished. A profound exhaustion because of the sheer pressure of being emotionally invested.

Not the physicality but the magnitude of your metaphysical presence, the enormity of your proximity and the divinity of your goodness; how do I breath?

I want to unlove you because there is not enough space for the two of us when we merge into one.We elate and escalate into objects that can not be contained in the known space. We are stars, bigger than the ones that humans can comprehend yet tiny enough to hide from the naked eye. We sparkle so bright, together we light the seven skies yet we weaver like a flickering flame. We are forever, yet we diminish with each sunset. We are the soul of mankind, we are the echo of broken hearts...

But I want to unlove you now because the heat of the yearning that I have, to reduce my being into a scar of your eyebrow is gripping me; tighter with each passing moment, obvious with every breath.

So free me of your love, let it flow out of me like it never happened. Be the strength of the core of  universe that you are and free me .. Allow me, now, to unlove you. 

A tree by the graveyard

There is this tree that I instantly noticed when i walked up the hill to meet you. It isn't a healthy big tree standing tall and looking above everything. NO, it is rather bowed down like it despairs. Well, why not..It has to have a sad aura around it for it has overlooked your last resting place for thousands of heartbeats now. It saw my tears and heard me talking to you over the years and now this .. another grave dug right in front of it.

It saw me break down the moment I saw the two graves side by side , one freshly made and the other covered with a thin layer of dust. It saw me wail silently at the loss that has left my life in rumble. I feel closest to this tree at the moment, close enough to sit by it at the sunset and talk to it. Talk to it about you my beloveds, two hearts made of gold ,lost under a pile of earth.

Feelings, not words .. not even a faint sound ... Oh how i wish to just sit there .. day in and day out .. by the foot of your grave and rest my head on it.. with no sense of time and space.. I want to miss you with every nerve and cell of my body with every ounce of energy and with every shred of love I have! I want to sit by the tree and miss you.. let the world dissolve around me , let the faces fade.. let the seasons annul and let the time flow by .. I wouldn't want to stir , not even with the heartache.. not even when the heart breaks.. I wouldn't want to stir at all.. Did you hear the tree sigh? It sighed .. it saw .. it saw through me, the pain that pierces my body like sharp needles. It saw the burden of the unsaid words and baggage of the future that won't happen.

If anyone would ask, I would tell them that 'the tree by the graves' is the most precious thing in the world for me. For it stands tall over you, gives you shade and keeps you company. Oh, I have tied my heart around it for you to see how it beats and bleeds for you. How a portion of it has crystallized and how my childhood has frozen inside. How we are all together and how our smiles shine through the translucence brightening up the lonely nights. How every breath is a prayer and how every tear is a hope. How our laughter echoes through the night , how fear is only a myth. How I love the graveyard better than a home now.. How it is the home now..

No love

There is no love left in the world for the author at the moment. 

Dear Shehrzad

Dearest of all Shehrzad,

I must apologize for not writing to you all these months. I have no proper excuse for it but the fact that we both lost each other in this funny place called life.
I am in my office and while preparing a useless report about some useless problem, i remembered you! Thus, this letter.
Remind me of who I was S because it feels like I have lost myself. There has been a lot of heart break and even though apparently it healed, it hasn't in real. It took away everything ; my colors, my skills, my uniqueness...
Can't you see how unattractive my words have become? This is how every inch of my being looks like ... bland , bleak and unappealing!
I have no tales of craziness to write about or any theories on how universe really works. I am a prisoner in a vacuum. There is nothing around me except a lot of grey space and even though I am not breathing, somehow I am still alive and afloat.
Do heart breaks do this to you? Reduce you to nobody? All around me people move .. and I am still.. an emptiness in my once alive eyes and silence in my once noisy self. You do remember me chatty and chirpy , right? Next time when you see me talking, look closely and you will see that I have woven a mask to hide behind ... my battered self is bruised and bleeding... like a survivor of a terrible cursed fire. Sometime I wonder, If I was the one starting this fire .. !
It is such a struggle to even think about writing, let alone all those glamorous tales embellished with exaggerated details and fancy words..
Tell me Shehrzad, will I ever be free of this ghost? Will I ever be brave enough to set a foot out of this cage that I have unwillingly imprisoned myself in? Will love ever look the same to me?
Do you know how much I lie on average now? Every time when I say ' everything is fine' !!!
Is 1 year and 5 months an ample time to piece together myself? I have tried but a lot of significant pieces are missing like my heart and my mind .. a few senses and the ability to love again. Everyday from this day, whenever I'll tell you about a crush or some random person I have met , you must not believe me entirely. I won't be completely honest with you.. There won't be another for a long long time who'd touch me and make me feel alive.

Looking forward to seeing you in lush green meadows of your beautiful town.

Yours mildly,
Maureen.

نہیں

نہیں مجھے اب اور نہیں لکھنا محبت کے فسانوں کو ۔۔
تمھاری انکھوں کے سرابوں کو
نشے میں چور ، جذ بات سے مخمور تمھاری باتوں کو ۔۔۔ اب اور نہیں لکھنا۔۔ 
اب کے سمجھا دیا ہے میں نے دل کو کہ محبت اک لفظ کے سوا کچھ بھی نہیں
اب  اور نہیں سہنا اس کے عذابوں کو
  بتا دیا ہےخود کو کہ دل کا کام نہیں ہے یہ 
   ۔ مچلنا ۔ تڑپنا ۔ سلگنا ۔ بلکنا
نہیں سوچنا مجھے اب ستاروں کا، آسماں میں اپنی ذات کے جیسے تنہا سیارے کا
نہ بانسری کا اور نہ مرغزاروں کا 
نہ دور وادی
میں گونجتی رباب کی آوازوں کا
 اب انتظار میں وقت برباد نہیں کرنا
دیامر کے بہتے جھرنے
اور بے موسم کے کھلے پھولوں کو
نہیں دینی اب محبت سے تشبہہ، یہ سوچ لیا ہے میں نے
اب کبھی اپنی انکھوں میں جھانکنا نہیں ھے 
اب کبھی اترانا نہیں ہے
چہچہانا نہیں ہے
مسکرانا نہیں ہے
 !! اب کبھی محبت کو آزمانا نہیں ھے 

دلْ تباہ کو تم سے بڑی شکایت ہے

تمھارے ھمارے درمیان تمام رابطے ختم ہوئے۔۔۔ چلو اچھا ہوا۔۔اب تمھاری ذات سے سوائے تکلیف کے اور کچھ ملنا ممکن نہیں تھا کہ تم ایک ٹوٹے ہوئے کانچ کے ٹکڑے کی مانند ہو۔۔
تمہیں چھونا اذیت
تمہیں دیکھنا اذیت
تمہیں چاہنا اذیت۔۔۔

چند برس پہلے اگر کوئی کہتا کہ زندگی میں یہ لمحہ بھی آ کھڑا ہو گا ھمارے درمیان تو شاید اس پیشن گو سے روابط ختم کر دیے جاتے۔ ۔۔
کوئی جھانک کے دیکھتا تو اس دل میں تمھارے محبت کے لہلہاتے کھلیانوں پہ رشک کرتا۔۔ ہر ایک شخص تمھارے بعد تھا اور تم صفٖ اول، خانہْ اول، گوشہْ اول، تختٖ اول ۔۔۔
مرے ہر لفظ میں تمھارا عکس تھا ۔۔۔
اور ہر اک سوچ پہ تمھاری پرچھائی۔۔
تم فخر بھی تھے اور مان بھی ۔۔۔ 

سب نے دیکھا سوائے تمھارے۔۔
کھوٹے سکے کی چکا چوند پہ اپنا آپ لٹانے والے،  میری محبت کے تمام موتی اب اشک ہوئے
اب تم پہلے سے نہیں دکھتے  ۔۔
دھندلے سے ہو ، 
مٹیالے سے ۔۔ 
بے رنگ اور بے نور سے ۔۔ 
تمھارے وجود کی چاندنی اس دل سے پھوٹتی تھی  تاوقتیکہ دل تھا ۔۔۔ 
اب دل نہیں رہا، اب صرف شکایت ہے ۔۔ 
 مجھے تم سے بہت شکایت ہے۔۔۔  

Maureen (As received)

It was the last letter I received from Maureen, sobbing in tears as I read every word of it. Knowing till this day she plead for a closure.
It took me a lot of courage to decide what should I do?
Should I give her what she has been asking all these years? A mere conclusion to her love? Or should I just let her pass these remaining years with same agony?
I couldn't sleep all night as a heavy burden on my chest which I have carried since 93. I had convinced myself its ended its over but her letter which I received after 2 years of gap, just says it all. It's never an end to love....
Twisting and turning in bed, I made a decision...
Next morning I woke up, got my self ready and left to see Mareen. All my journey I was nervous, a strange feeling grips my very being. I was scared to see her and reveal the truth on her. I reached my destination, my every step to her door felt so heavy.
I knocked, a young lad came up to the door, gentleman with his personality he asked politely.
Can I help you sir?
I couldn't even utter her name, ummm,ummm
Can I meet Maureen?
Are you friends of her?
Yeah, yeah....
He invited me inside and sat me down, offering a cup of tea, he shouted mom somebody is here to see you.
It was that very moment I thought I will have a heart attack,all these questions rushed in my mind.
How can I face her..
How can I tell her the truth...
How can I do that to her....
A few minutes, she walked in, I was spell bound to see her...
Sorry I don't remember you? She asked
I stood up and said yeah
U don't know me, I am your sailor's younger brother Joseph.
There was silence..
A silence which I had never witness in my 40 years of hard wrenched life.
She sat down in front of me, with tears sliding down her cheeks.
She murmured "is he alive"?
I couldn't look her in the eye, I felt guilty.
No, he is not, I'm afraid but I'm here to tell you something u should know all these years.
My big brother Adam, was the sweetest and most kind hearted person I ever knew. He was my father, my mother, my everything. I loved him more than I can love anyone.
I received you letter yesterday and I couldn't bear the burden anymore, I have to tell you his side of story for your peace and peace to his soul.
Maureen, my brother loved you, he loved you more than me. You were family to him, sometimes I used to get jealous of you, cause he would always jabber about you and your beauty and today I know, why he was so head over heals in love with you.

Maureen, I'm really sorry and I'm even more sorry for what I'm going to tell you next.

My brother never went on any voyage, the day he left you. A week before you held his hand for the last time, he was sleeping and woke up with a severe pain. I had to take him to the hospital. After three days of repeated test, doctors diagnosed him with stage 3 stomach cancer. In blink of an eye, his life fell apart,dreams shattered. Time stopped as I hug him and we cried and cried.

I remember we came back home and he went to the dressing, opened the drawer and pulled out a ring.
Joseph, do u like it?
I said, it's beautiful.
I was going to propose her on Saturday, I had planned everything, decorations, flowers, venue everything,Joseph. But I guess, God has some other plans for me....
I can't do this to her, you know, I love her so much that I cannot drag her down with me to this pain and agonising end, which I'm destined too.

So, he decided that he will let you go. The reason he didn't say anything cause he knew if he explained, you will question him and that will break him down to tears and he will spill the truth. He never wanted to end this way Maureen.

He read all your letters over and over and over again. Now there is no writing left on them, cause he used to cry on every word that it erased every letter u put down. He was a very loving soul, once in a while he will send me to your neighbourhood to see if you are doing ok.
When I told him you have moved on and gotten married, it gave him so much peace. I guess he was hanging on to life just to see you smile once again.

He never got to see your last letter otherwise he would have cried and gotten his pain even worse. He passed away 2 years ago, after fighting really hard for his life.
In his last days, he used to tell me, all the good times he spent with you and how your presence made him feel. Every emotion that you 2 shared, he told me everything.
Sometimes I couldn't handle and used to cry with him. In that very moment he used to smile and wipe my tears and say to me
Joseph "live as if there is no tomorrow".

He took promise from me to never tell you, why he left?..

But I couldn't bare it any more and when I receive your letter I felt both of your souls needed the peace.

I got up and sat next to Maureen, she was silent, shocked, no tears came out of her eyes. Just silent...
I held her in my arms, I am sorry Maureen, I'm really sorry....

She started crying, screaming in pain..

How can he do this to me?
How......

She cried for an hour and then asked me to take her to his grave.

She got ready in hurry and we both left to seek our peace.

Big brother may you soul rest in peace....