My new year

3 days to go.. I see people getting excited, relieved that they have passed another year, positive that their bad days are about to end and fresh start is just around the corner.. Is it? I look at my reflection in the mirror and I see the same old me.. Same features and same expressions.. A little more tiredness in my smile and more depth in dark brown eyes. I examine my hands and they look old, the bearers of the lines that hold my fate.. what great burden. A stray smile touches my lips that have forgotten to smile in the past few months. Life happened a little too much and a little too fast.. inertia ripped me apart but Thank God, the year is near to its end. Its like seeing a giant monster take its last breath, knowing that you'll be free of its tyranny soon.
While a physical relief spreads over my body, its my mind that I am worried about. My mind which is a terrible place, where colors mix, merge and evolve.. where there is a forest full of butterflies with wings decorated with breathtaking hues of blue, green, yellow and red. There are caves in my mind where fires are lit; Fires that are necessary and dangerous. There are tree houses inside and beaches.. deserts with mud houses as safe havens and lakes with ferries, snow covered mountains... There are worlds inside my mind, not one but several where time is endless and space is unlimited. There is no obligation and not objection..no border and yet its enclosed in a womb like sphere..How incredible is it and how terrifying, to possess a mind like that; A kaleidoscope, third eye, sixth sense, crystal ball and pensieve- everything and yet nothing if you pay close attention. My mind is empty to you- a void which needs immediate therapy to be filled with thoughts. A sense of motivation to keep me going or I will go astray. I will lose my way- my destination will become foggy eventually disappearing from my eyes.
Fearing too much attention, I often shrink like a tortoise. Securing myself from the curious eyes of people who associate themselves with me in one way or the other.. I don an avatar which is rather acceptable. I fill mouth with words that the ears of the masses are accustomed with. I talk science and never the arts.
So what will change in 3 days for me? Will my past go away and not merge in my future? Will my mind start functioning differently? Will the aches that leave me breathless, fade?
There is no new year for me.. My struggle is continuous, not discreet.. Its in loops , not in intervals.. I am beyond the cycles of days and years... I am a moment in myself. I will change my form, not my ways....