3rd feb, 2012 … the day you slipped away...

Yahan sab kuch hai Maa phr bi.. laage bin tere mujh ko akela…

Staring outside my hostel window, I felt no happiness. I had finally achieved what I dreamt of, what I wanted in life but still I couldn't feel the happiness and the excitement that should have been there…

I was feeling less.

February winds were sending everyone around into shivering but me? I stood on that naked cemented floor bare footed and not felt a thing. And suddenly I grabbed the railing and a flood of tears sprang out of my eyes and I cried uncontrollably. I had lost too much, the pain was too immense to bear. Nothing can ever give me solace.

I couldn’t believe that I had lost her and there was no one in that house now waiting for me to come. Just 3 days back I was there with her. I wanted to be with her  in that moment again.

                  Kaise bataoon Maa kahan hun men,

                  yahan urne ko mere khula asmaa hai..

                 tere kissoon k jaisa bhoola saloona jahan hai

                 sapnoon wala ……….

22 years fled by like 22 seconds. I felt deprived. There wasn’t enough time, I still had many many unsaid things.

There were laughs that I had to share and tears I wanted to shed. And I still had many more hugs due on her. “I didn’t get my full of love. Unfair!”

I am going away and I need prayers … my life jus began you cant leave me now..

All through my childhood I had the fear of loosing her. I used to wake up at night to check on her. I was afraid of waking up one day to find her gone. But with every passing day my fears subsided, and I relaxed. And now... Now when I was dead sure that you are here to stay.. Till the end, u left... Right in the middle of it.

Even now when I am crying, my heart tells me that u are sleeping in your bed.. Peacefully… that I am gonna meet you tomorrow.

‘ Assalam o alikum Zainab aii hai”

I feel your touch on my hands and your kiss on my cheeks.  I can’t loose it for forever..

I had a share in everything… even in the last two apples you had. But I could never share your pain and your misery and your loneliness.  I could never be a good daughter...

I am so sorry.. for all those times I refused to go to you. Sorry for not calling you every day. I didn’t know you’ll leave me one day and I’ll beg for your sight all my life.

I know my tears are not going to bring you back but I can’t help it. I love you so much it hurts.

I took promises... ‘mujhse wada karien ap kabhi nhi jaien g’

And whenever I used to hear about someone’s death, I would go hug her and say ‘ nano ap kabhi na marna’

All in good humor of course but my heart always fluttered with fear.

I didn’t loose you, I lost a part of me… one part of me keeps thinking about you.. your laugh and your voice rings in my ears and your embrace round me, and your beautiful hands, your eyes that were so like my own and your feet…

I want to sit in your feet again... and rub them... Like you liked.. And I want to lie down beside you. And I want you call me again... ‘ZAMBA’

Nobody is ever going to love me like that… nobody will ever connect to me again.  Nobody will ever wait like you did Nano... I am going to miss everything for the rest of my life.

And I will long for you sight, your touch, your love …

And our midnight noodle feast… I hated them…

I lost that house … I lost all my bonds... I lost everything the day u went away.

I cannot think about stepping into that house again where I know you are not waiting for me…

Every memory stings me... every sec I miss you more than before.

Time heals every wound but I can see time standing helpless... Unable to heal my wound. This one will always bleed….

You let go … I know... it was getting difficult for all of us.

I can never get out that trance of your last look. Your unshed tears. I knew, I swear …

 ‘ ik to app logoon ko rona bohat ata hai’  .. 

I didn’t cry... u didn’t want me to but I cant take this pain ne more..

U wanted to see faheema... I hope she comes back...Just for once… our trio... she knows my pain and I know hers..

I am so selfish… I knew you were suffering.. I knew u were in pain but I still wanted you to stay. I still wish you were here.

Every breath reminds me that m living without you.  

I am still alive...I talk and eat and sleep and go on with life... without you..

But there are too many memories of you to ever forget you…

I was such a fool.. I never thought that one day you will go too .. just like all the other people.

Nothing makes me happy.. Nano ji, I thought you don’t know but I now know that you did know.. Everything and u understood and you held us.

I leaned on you and now m stumbling… every footstep I think of you.

I have a key of your house... But now that my treasure is buried, m going to return it….

I hope you are well placed in Paradise. And have Noor in your grave and have good people to keep you company and I hope you have met Nana abu, already.

Amen…