where is the line?

Finally, in the 27th year of my life , a time has come where I have to revise my life. All of it; structure, relations, definitions, connections, concepts. everything.

More than anything, what actually is causing so much confusion is my own gender. Females and the femininity.

All my life, i have been that person who wanted to break free from the chains of traditions and I have fought tooth and nail for it. I still stand by all of that but .. yes there is a but involved here... it was different. it was more for the sake of social restrictions that were prevailing out of the fear of 'log kia kahien gey?' It was never for the sake of crossing lines. 

I am not writing this post for self praise. I realize that I am a nobody in the world order but I also believe that the individual's actions leave marks and others follow those marks. Sooner or later the popular trends propagate in the society , therefore becoming the new customs. So i do believe that when one of us crosses the line, others follow. Its like you leave a door open. 

Another aspect of this is also religious (lots of grunts and eye rolling expected) but just stop for a second and tell me : why? Why the grunts and eye rolling? why has the word 'religion' become so obnoxious for us? why do we think that there is a clash between our thoughts and ways and the religion? Is it because religion draws a line? Does the presence of a line makes us feel suffocated? 

I just read a post by some random girl on some random feminist page, who has now moved to Canada and reading about her story, more than anything, i felt sorry for her. She wrote about her private life where she mentioned that before going to Canada at the age of 19, she had almost a dozen sleeping partners but still felt very repressed because talking about premarital sex is a 'taboo' in Pakistani culture. Then she went further and praised the Canadian society which gave her so much freedom and blah blah. (19???? just 19!!)

Go on and tell me 'stop judging her' , ' its none of your business' ... correct! it isnt my business and trust me when I say that i dont even feel an ounce of obligation ( as a muslim or as a human) to tell her or other people with same choices, whether to do or not to do certain stuff. As a Muslim  my mantra for now is 

" Tumare liye tumara deen , mere liye mera Deen"

but what the hell girl? Get married, if you feel the need. but OH NO, God forbid, marriage is a  big NO!! Who gets married for the sake of having a sleeping mate, ryt? Or is it more like sleeping with one man for the rest of your life is whats itching you?

I do want to write about this problem that I very often now see around me . I want to get an answer to this urge of living like animals? Why must we not obey anyone but ourselves and more than our logic why do we want to be driven by our hormones? 

I want to know how is it OK to cheat on your family but cheating on your boyfriend would make you a horrible person?

I know , i sound very very non-feminist and some of the readers cant wait to throw me out of the sorority. I DONT CARE GIRLS. Some of our acts are disgusting, please admit it! 

I recently had a conversation with a very close friend and all through the time when we were supposedly resolving an issue, she kept saying things that justified 'her' and 'her' alone and all through that time I kept thinking that higher education does make it very easy for us to go to all the possible lengths to prove that we are right. We would even dismiss our own past self, disrespect it, abuse it to save our today's choice. Anything that makes crossing the limits legal. 

I believe in self control and i believe that one must always think rationally and logically. Sexuality shouldn't be a synonym for feminism. It never will be. So no matter how much butthurt you are getting from this post, the reality is that when you cross limits, you are basically not doing humanity any service. It not even all about religion (even though there are strong ties) It is about morality. Hadn't it been the case there wouldnt have specfic words in other languages for people with such random habits. 

I know that this post has a very annoyed and angry tone, that's because I am annoyed and angry. I am going through a transition in life where NOTHING is the same. I dont even recognize the people i have been living with so yea I need answers. I need to have explanations as to why everything has suddenly lost its meaning or was there never any meaning at all!?  Was it all an illusion?

Alamdar and Pari :)

Hey Alamdar, do you ever notice me when you walk past me every morning in office? I try to throw my most charming smile in response to your greeting.  When you sit on your desk concentrating hard on the work , I touch your hand in my imagination and just as this thought crosses my mind, you frown. Those moments, when you exasperatedly unbutton your cuffs and fold them upwards, revealing your strong muscles for weak hearts like mine to see, I can actually feel my cheeks heating up. You put my heart in rhythmic anemia. How cruel! I dance around you in my dreams Alamdar. I walk with you hand in hand by the side of The Holy River Euphrates only that in my mind it flows amidst the desert of Cholistan. I close my eyes and bribe an angel to wipe your name off the Loh and put it nowhere but beside my name and seal it. I dream of forging my fate.

Oh Pari, do you really think I am as naïve as I pose? How can your deep eyes, following me all around, go unnoticed?  There are times when I struggle to not look up from the paper under the heat of your glare and then I frown.  I secretly enjoy that greedy look in your eyes when you see me, rolling my sleeves up.  I glance at you and you are lost in your thoughts.  I wonder if I am walking with you in your dream.  The moments when you are occupied in the work, I want to pull u up from your chair and swirl you round and round until you can think of nothing and no one except me. Your name holds so much magic, I often fear that I’d be forever under its spell. Your innocence makes me want to steal a peek at my future to see whether it has what my heart desires the most?