I accidentally stumbled upon a poem I wrote a long time ago.. I read and re read my words which sounded divine, dipped in the innocence and purity, glistening with loyalty and sparkling with love. I wanted to hug my younger self, who authored that, out of sheer affection for the blithering combination of naivety and youth.
If only I could take the younger me out on a coffee date and sit on an old shabby wooden bench in a lonely corner beside a quiet river. I would watch the dark clouds take over the shiny sun and feel the fresh breeze on my face, then I would look intently at the younger me's face and suppress a smile. " Poor baby" I would think , looking at the fallen face and desperate tears, tense body muscles and a feeble show of strength.
"How you wish , this was not me but him with you in this perfect moment, how this was not a coffee mug but his strong hand that you gripped but you don't realize how lucky you are to not get what you are wishing for!" I would watch you circle your delicate fingers on the rim of the mug,muttering an enchantment under your breath. You think its a secret but I read your lips so clearly " he loves me, he loves me not"
I would want to put my hand firmly on yours and stop you but I wouldn't. I would let you ponder over this for many excruciating instants before nudging you and bringing you back to the reality. I would hear you sigh and feel the temperature drop down by 10 degrees but I would still smile at you warmly. " He is not the savior, he is the one you needed to be saved from" I'd wish I could telepathically show you how the life will turn out to be. How you will evolve to be me. How you will learn life's most valuable lesson because of him but the roles would be different; He will be the worst person to ever set a foot in your precious space. You will despise him more than you have ever felt any love; because he will be the person to show you how ugly life, people and relations can be.
You will realize that you didn't mean anything to him but may be a convenience to achieve something else, an excuse to normalize his evilness, a stop along the way or just a pawn. He will be the first person to make you question your self worth and your decisions. Poor baby, you don't foresee the sleepless nights that you will spend crying to your pillow, not because you will miss him but because you will abhor meeting him. You will spend eternity pretending to others that you are fine when in reality every breath will hurt more than the previous one. He will be imprinted on your soul , much to your dismay and there wouldn't be anything you'd want more than to scratch it off but it won't go away."
I somehow know that you wouldn't believe a word of this breathless speech of mine. My anxious tone, flustered body language and my flushed face wouldn't mean a thing to you because of course how can I fight the sweetness of his tone, the tenderness of his words, the love in his eyes. His lies coated in sugar are sweeter to you than honey and his deception, a clever way to woo you..
"Despite all the heartache, you will be fine. You'll survive in the most beautiful manner possible. Your scars will make you unique and exquisite. The mystery of your sad eyes will redefine you in the eyes of onlookers, so much so that they'd be overawed if not completely smitten."
The younger me would trace the first letter of your name H on the mug and I would watch silently. not finding enough courage within me to whisper into her ear "It's also a lie. try L. EL for Liar, because whatever the name be, this word would befit, always" But instead I would sit in the cold beside my younger self.. "Too soon to break my heart .... a little too soon to wake up in a nightmare.. let yourself be .. let yourself be..."
