SOUL SISTERS

I never thought that someday i 'd be dedicating a page of my blog to a piece of writing called 'sisters'.
lol.. probably because i have always taken them too forgranted to think about any such flashy act.
but here i am .. a writing written with loads of love and affection.
if someone would ask me to define the word 'sister' i'd say 'constant support and unnecessary pampering'. because to me, this is what sisterhood is all about.
i have always been a sort of person who would take pleasure in her own company, finding new ways to entertain myself, content with my solitude and turning it into an adventure. so everyone who has put up with me so far is an incredible person! 
and when i look at the list all i see, are my sisters =) both biological and non biological ;)
i know, this is a controversial statement but i dont expect many of you to understand this. so shut the 'make sense' gene and read this as it is ...
Abda and Misbah were born to the same mother as me so we have this biological thing here but please dont get fooled by this. this doesn't mean that we were best buddies from the nappy times. most of my life i have been tortured by Abda( who happens to b 4 years my elder) that i was brought to mom by a massi in a red basket . screw you for that!
it look a hell lot of hard work to become frnds with my sister and i HAVE to take all the credit for this one! she was always the quiet, nerd type. sitting in a corner, doing homework on time sort. 
so when she was in college, i finally noticed her and decided to bring a change in her life and so i did. i bugged her day and night to the point where she couldn't ignore me and took me in her friend's circle and the rest is history. 
How i persuaded her to show some excitement towards life is another long story. some other time.( =p , i know Abda you'd want to kill me for this baby but i cant deny the truth! )
Actually, that was the time when i realized what a beautiful person she is, concealed from our eyes but someone who has strength, wisdom, insight, sensitivity and what not!
and misbah... ummm i dont exactly recall how I made this one possible :D but even mom agrees that misbah was weird!(jk) i mean she never spoke or  participated in any activity. she would just sit (or stand) and stare until you were pissed but that 'was called analyzing. Again, my stupid summary was proven wrong when i got to know my 3 year younger sister. she is creative, sharp, quick witted and have one of the best sense of humors in the world!
in our teens, we had finally managed to make a perfect 'trika'. we would laugh like crazies on our problems, make fun of each other and everyone around, take random turns, enjoy our mistakes, console each other in bad times, help eachother to get through, give strength and advice, live the moments and always stick together!
BTW this word 'stick' reminds me of university times. me and Abda, fortunetly or unfrtunetly, went to the same college and we would just STICK together, wherever and whenever :D to everyone's great annoyance.

Side by side another heart touching story flourished as well. when i reached sixth standard, i found this pretty 'mama's girl' in my class. she was neat , obedient, well behaved, quiet, a class topper.. shortly she was everything i was not. one random day, i saw 'Hanaa Noaman' sitting quietly during break. this was heavy on my heart so i walked up to her and offered her a walk outside. reluctantly she agreed ( probably she was scared of me) and that we day we had our first chat which led to the never ending chats till today. since that day , me and Hanaa are inseparable. the best of the best friends a.k.a sisters!
Zainab Qadir is another one in my life who has this huge space in my heart. we both took all the time of this world to reach to the point where we are standing firmly right now and each day we grow to be more fond of each other. till 10th grade, she was a good friend. In college, she moved to BH and that's when the the story began. we missed each other's company and stupid jokes, wrote each other lengthy letters describing the loneliness, new college, the girls.. we backbit, gossiped, bitched in our conversations, we threw parties and went to all the extremes of fun.
we decided to accept eachother just the way we were.. no changes.. minor or major!
Although me and  ZQ have alot in common.. e.g the tendancy to talk bullshit, silly imagination, ruining someone's perfect moment, bitching to the height but there is a sensitive part to both of us that we have discovered and i guess that's our friendship niche. that has us hooked.. forever!

lastly, here comes Maliha Shah. 'leah' to be frank. i officially met her in my univerisity's 6th semester. at the time where i was perfectly comfortable and at peace with my 3 best friends and wasnt looking for another.
but that's the funny part. she never became my friend, she directly sublimed into my sister.
starting from one sleepover in  my 7th semester, this bond is growing since. she fitted in our lives so perfectly that we all were caught by surprise. even shy misbah was perfectly fine and that got me thinking' she is my lost sister... definitely she is' and time proved me right :)
when i have noone to  talk to or rather when i am in my biting mode where i dont wanna talk to anyone, leah is the one who always comes to my rescue. she understands me completely and i never hesitate to spill it all in front of her. no matter how silly my problem is, she takes it all in.
i have so much to write about these gorgeous ladies but time and space is the issue. i know i have smiles all over this writing but that is what sister's are all about!
no matter how bad the situation is or in how deep shit you are in, you'd always find them standing by ur side, lifting your spirits, give a piece of their mind, returning you, your confidence and smile and never allowing you to stand alone!

we have grown old... but i am waiting for our reunion this year when we'll giggle like 11 year olds. GOD blessus, always!

how old?
ABDA ........ a PhD fellow in UMB, Norway.
MISBAH ....... a fresh graduate of BurnHall College, Pakistan
MALIHA..... Master's student in IUJ, Japan
HANAA..... graduate of FJWU, Pakistan
ZQ..... Final year Med student in WMC, Pakistan
ME.. Master's student in CIIT, Pakistan
 ;)

Kahani mohabbat ki

11th December,2012
'Kuch bhi nhi badla... aj b sardiun ki shamien utni hi udas hain, barish ansoon ki manind barasti hai, zameen safaid barf  ko kafan ki tarhan lapait leti hai.. aj bhi har taraf woi sanata hai, aj b dil men woi veerani hai aur aj b man mandir men bus ik hi awaz goonjhti hai.. tumari hansi ki awaz'
cigerette k dhuwen ne andhere kamre men ajeeb si ghuttan paida ker rakhi thi. lamp ki halki roshni men woh thaka thaka sa apni diary likh raha tha. 
dekhne men khoobru tha. Na shave berhi woi thi aur na ankhoon men ratjagoon ki surkhi thi. Guzarte mah-o-saal men us ne apna dard chupana khoob seekh liya tha.
Ab us ki neendun ka safar bhi asaan tha magar kabhi kabhi jab khuwab ziada din us k wajood se khali rehte to ik bechaini si us ko apne hisaar men le leti. Sajdey taweel ho jate aur sarkoon ki khak channe ka dorania barh jata.
18 maheene se us ki iss mamool men shayad hi koi tabdeeli aii ho. pehle pehel us k ghar wale, dost pareshan huwe, magar ab to jaise sab ne us ki halat se samjhoota ker lia tha.Shayad iss kahani men kuch naya nhi tha. woi ik larka , woi ik larki aur woi pagal c mohabaat, jo najane kitne azeeatnak anjam dekhne k nawajood har dafa do masoom logoon k darmiyan aa khari hoti hai..

'tum chupati kiun nhi ho k tum mujhse mohabbat kerti ho?' Dobte suraj ko dekhte huwe us ne poocha. Woh us k itne araam se mohabbat pe eman lane pe heeran tha.
' jo baat ho chuki hai, ab us ka kia inkar karoon?'zara sa hans ne us jawab dia.
'aaise itni mohabbat na karo mujhse'
us ki iss baat per bari ada se us ko dekhte huwe, woh jitane wale lehjey men boli :

'mujhe samjhaya na karo k ab to ho chuki mujh ko

mohabbat mashwara hoti to tum se pooch k kerta'

woh bohat badal gaya tha. waqt kabhi ik sa nahi rehta. zindagi mien jo batien ap ko kissi morr pe khush kerti hain, phr unhi batun ko yaad ker k rona aata hai. Ali Abbas ko bhi ab har baat us ki yaad dilati thi aur har yad pe woh siwae ansoo bahane k kuch ker nhi sakta tha. andekhe ansoo jo bus us k dil pe girte they...

'Dar nahi lagta tumien?' thandi c sham men sarak k kinare baithe huwe Ali Abbas ne us se poccha.
Ice cream khate huwe us ne uper dekha 'Tum se?'
woh 'haan' kehna chata tha.. ' Waqt se... mujhse bhi' woh bohat mohtat se lehjey men bola
'tumien kabhi lagta hai k men tumien chor k chali jaun g?' ice cream cup footpath pe rakhte huwe us ne poocha
'Nahi'  itna to woh janta tha ussey
'Aisa hi yaqeen hai mujhe tum pe.. iss se b xiada. to dar kaisa?' tissue se hath saf kerte huwe woh muskura k boli.

dheehan us ki taraf nhi tha... woh bus usey dekhe gaya.

Har din woh ussey heeran kerti.. apni baatun se, khayaloon se, adatoon se, apne wajood se aur woh mabhutt sa ho jata.
kabhi ussey lagta k yeh sab kuch sach nhi hai. 'she is too good to be true.' woh apne best friend ko kehta.
Ali Abbass us k sehar men tha aur har din mazeed us ki taraf khicha chala jata. bekhud sa ho jata tha us k samne phr bhi apna ikhtiyar nhi khona chata tha. woh darne laga tha ab us se. bhagna chata tha. ussey lagne laga k aaista aaista woh khatam ho jaye ga aur har taraf bus woi reh jaye g. ik zara c larki se to woh ni har sakta na..

Ali Abbas k gahr men sab jante they un k barey men. jiss din us k abba ne usey bula k shadi kerne ka kaha to woh saaf inkar ker aya ' Awal to men shadi nhi kerna chata abhi aur agar bhi loon to b us se nahi karoon ga'
Abba pareeshan chehre liye us se bus itna hi keh paaye.' magar kiun? woh bohat achi larki hai'
' Sahira hai woh.. jadoo kerti hai' woh kuch nhi bola bus soch k reh gaya...

yehi sab us se chand din k baad bina kissi lihaz k saaf saaf usey bhi bata dia..
'Jhoot' kali ankhoon men heerat ka jahan liye woh ussey dekh rahi thi. usey yaqeen nhi aye ga woh janta tha.
ik dam hi khali ankhoon men pani bhar aya.. ghutti ghutti awaz men boli ' kia tum mujhse... mien.. achi nhi lagti tumien?'
saaf alfaz men to na kabhi na us ne kaha tha, na Ali Abbas ne. bus ik khamosh sa moida tha jaise..
ab yun pehli dafa yeh sawal kerte huwe usey bohat sharam aii. woh janti thi k aaise sawaloon ki nobat us waqt ati hai jab kehne ko kuch na reh jaye.. yeh kissi b taluq ka akhri sawal hota hai..
phr b us ne yeh akhri bazzi khaili.. apni qeemat lagai us shaks k samne..
Ali Abbas ne kuch second usey dekha aur chup chaap uth aya... ussey pata tha k woh bohat rooi ho g per ab woh kuch nhi ker sakta tha..

8 MONTHS LATER:
Is guzre waqt mien woh bohat yaad ai.. bohat se moqoon pe, bohat se batien us ki yaad dilati theen per woh dil sakht kiye raha. apne app ko behlane laga.
us din najane kiun har harba nakam ho ra tha. porra din ik bechaini men guzra tha. lakh koshish k bawajood bhi woh apna dhehan nai hata sakka. 
thak k us se apna phone nikala. 5 minute screen ko dekhta tha phr phone sidetable pe rakh dia. usy samajh nhi aa rahi thi k phoen kerna chae ya nahi. bilakhir dil mazboot ker k us ne phone ker dia.
1, 2,3,4,5 bells ... woh kiun uthae g us ka phone... aur bilkul ussi waqt phone utha lia.
'hello' woh yun jaldi se bola jaise dar ho k phone kat na jaye.

'kiun phone kia apne?' yeh us ki awaz to nhi thi.. choti ki awaz thi. kai baar us ne choti se baat ki thi, woh bohatachi tarhan pehchanta tha us ki awaz ko.
' mien.... kahan hai wo?' khud ko mazboot zahir kerne laga likin jawab men tooti c awaz ne us ko hazar andeshun men mubtala ker dia.
'please.. ab kia chate hain ap? chor dien us ko'
'choti please.. please phone mat band kerna.. just tell me.. woh kaisi hai? thek hai na?'
aur woh jo shayad yeh sunna cha ra tha k woh theek hai , bohat khush hai, us ko yaad nhi kerti.. apni zindagi men mutmain hai.. siskiyan sun k pareshan ho gaya.. dil ik lamhe men doob k ubhra..
'choti..'
'mar rahi hai woh.. ap ne kiun kiya aaisa? she was fighting cancer aur ap ne .. ' ansoo us ka jumla mukamal nhi hone de rahe they.
Ali Abbas ko laga jaise asmaan gir paraa ho.. pata nhi maut ki takleef kaisi ho g.. shayd iss se kam..
us ik lamhe k liye us ki sans jaise thehr gai thi, palkien jhapakna bhool gaya woh, na koi aahat koi na dharkan sunai di.. yaqeenan us lamhe men kainat b thehr gai ho g...
' nahi.. us ne mujhe.. she never told me' Ali Abbas ko samajh nhi arhi thi k kin alfaaz ka sahara le.. kia kahe k bazzi us k haq men ho jaye. usey laga k yeh koi khuwab hai.. bus ankh khulne ki dair hai..
'pyar kerti thi apse... pyar chae tha usey apka.. tars ya hamdardi nhi.. per you were just not worth it' ghussa, nafrat, bebasi . aur najane kia kia tha choti k lehjey men...

Ey Mohabbat tera bakht k tujhe bin mol mile
Hum se anmol jo heerun men tula kerte they..

yeh us ka pasandeeda tareen shair tha. aur hameesha sharat men yehi perha kerti thi.
'tumien pata hai dunia men jitni mohabbat aur izzat mere pass hai na tumare liye, utni kissi k pass nhi ho g'
ussey apne app pe ghusa aney laga, nafrat hone lagi..
apni soch se... kon c male ego? kon c dominance.. bus mohabbat thi.. kiss se bhag raha tha wo? us se? k woh cha jaye g us pe.. apni mohabbat se khaufzada tha .. sapurdagi se dar gaya tha..

Abhi justaju men hun us ki to ussey ehsas nhi mohsin
ro ro k pukare ga humien, zara mar to jane do...

us ki qabar pe har sham taza gulab rakhta tha. pachtawa hota tha usey.. per guzre waqt ko wapis lana mumkin nhi tha..

'woh ap ko yaad kerti thi.. akhir waqt tak.. jab tak bol sakti thi.. bus ik hafta pehle us ne baat kerni chor di thi.. woh bohat takleef men thi.. per hameesha ap k liye dua kerti thi .. kehti thi k bus ik wohi hai jiss ki ankhoon men zindagi hai. woh khafa hota hai to suraj b bujh jata hai. us ne hum sab se wada lia tha k hum apko maaf ker dien gey' woh choti se milne gaya tha. sab ne ussey maaf ker dia tha bus ik woh khud apne app ko maaf nhi ker sakka tha.

Qabaristan k gate pe baitha woh bacha roz ussey dekhta tha. aj  us k sath sath chalne laga.
'tum kon ho?' laperwahi se bache ne poocha. woh chup raha
'phool k kiya lagte ho?' bache ne dobara pocha.
'phool kon?' us ne kuch heerani se bache ko dekha
'woh' us ne peche mur k us qabar ki taraf ishara kia jahan us k laye taza gulab mehak rahe they. us k alfaaz gum ho gaye.
'to kon ho tum?'
' phool wala'
aaista se keh k woh shikasta qadmoon se bahir cahl diya...

changing meaning...

When i was a child i took fear as a bogeyman appearing out of nowhere, broken heart as refusal to buy an ice-cream, reason to cry because my sister doesn't want to play with me, my idea of fun was to watch Captain planet, play 'name-thing-place', beating my brother in ludo, eating 'chae-paratha', talking to my grandfather and holidays at Nano's place. i thought Army means brave soldiers for whom its Pakistan through and through, Doctors meant last limit of life saving efforts day n night, Police was to catch bad guys, Lawyers were to abide by the law in any case and Judges were the keepers of law ,Civil servants a symbol of truth and honor and PM and President were Pakistan's faces in the world and Politicians were poeple's voice and above all Bangladesh was just another country.

and after a decade all the meanings have changed.
Fear means loss of life in a bomb blast,
Broken heart means drone attack victims,
Army means Marshal Law,
Doctors mean strikes at the expense of poor people's lives,
Police means bribery and atrocity
PM & President mean convicted people
Judges mean rule of power
Civil bureaucracy mean embezzlement and deception
and Bangladesh means East Pakistan!!

Sometimes i wonder if ignorance is a blessing.
If i was just another typical girl, spending my energies on dress designing, focusing on my studies, hoping to get married to a sensible guy in an appropriate age and changing the channel whenever new channels come on TV, would it make my life any calmer?

what if i never decided to probe in to the past and get to know the root cause of all this mess, would i be less complex about my views about Pakistan?

i have to admit that i am cynical about my land. i think the moment i came to knew about LOVE, i instantly fell in love with Pakistan and as the old saying goes ' pehla pyar kabhi nhi bhoolta'

so here i am , a typical Pakistani who cries at every single incident.
be it the history of INDO-PAK, the partition, Death of our Leaders, Marshal Laws, Wars, Bangladesh, or the current affairs where everyday something goes wrong.

it makes me wonder that 60 years of mistakes have created so much mess that its like a woolen ball, you cant find the way out. it will just go worse but then the patriot inside me snubs the pessimist. 'every dark cloud has a silver lining' the patriot says. 'and Pakistan will come out of it. its a wound that grew inside and now its releasing the filth. every sector is being cleaned' 


Dreams... there are dreams in our eyes regarding Pakistan and prayers... 
but i fear the opponents.. are they too big to fail?

Lets go back to 'UNITY-FAITH-DISCIPLINE'
these three weapons will win our fight! 

someone like you

He left me while i stood on a deserted road... empty handed with an empty heart, bewildered, scared and lost.
'Why did you do this?" i wanted to shake the answer out of his sealed lips.  i hated his silences more than ever at that moment. ' speak for God's sake, say something' i was crying bitterly but nothing i did brought him back.

Days passed in a haze.nothing interested me and i wasn't interested in anything at all too.  as much as i wanted the world to end everything looked [pretty much the same to me each day. i stared out of my apartment window , i saw neon signs , flashy advertisements, people coming n going, girls giggling, boys hanging out and couples strolling happily...

i spent 2 weeks of my life sitting on the naked floor reminiscing, shedding fresh tear on the same thing everyday, thinking of all  the possibilities that would bring him back to me. i live in my past and ignored everything around me.i wasted 336 hours of my life over someone who wasn't coming back

and finally one day, it dawned upon me that i am at mistake. my attitude is causing me and only me the misery.

'Even if he does show up now, will things be the same between you two' my heart asked me. ' will you be able to overcome the humiliation you felt and will it ease the pain? will it bring back the lost time of your precious life and earn you the smiles in compensation of the tears?and above all will you be able to trust him again, like you did previously?'

NEVER ...

then why am i in mourning? why aren't i moving on?

'look around yourself girl, look at the life that is dancing at each footstep. if He can live without you, why cant you?' i told myself.

i looked into the mirror and saw a strained, tear streaked face of a girl who had the pain of betrayal and lost love in her eyes but i knew soon enough, i am going to replace this reflection with a girl having the glow of success and happiness on her face and eyes shinny like stars on a velvety sky!

since then i have become the hero for myself...

Never mind i'll find someone like you

i wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me i beg, i remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

i often miss him but doesn't mean that i want him back. just a random thought and a little sense of gratitude for letting me know my worth, giving me a chance to discover myself.. and making me understand that he didn't leave me,

                                                     it was all meant to be....

BTW, you can do it too... its all about re prioritizing your life and putting yourself at the top!

cheers!