دلْ تباہ کو تم سے بڑی شکایت ہے

تمھارے ھمارے درمیان تمام رابطے ختم ہوئے۔۔۔ چلو اچھا ہوا۔۔اب تمھاری ذات سے سوائے تکلیف کے اور کچھ ملنا ممکن نہیں تھا کہ تم ایک ٹوٹے ہوئے کانچ کے ٹکڑے کی مانند ہو۔۔
تمہیں چھونا اذیت
تمہیں دیکھنا اذیت
تمہیں چاہنا اذیت۔۔۔

چند برس پہلے اگر کوئی کہتا کہ زندگی میں یہ لمحہ بھی آ کھڑا ہو گا ھمارے درمیان تو شاید اس پیشن گو سے روابط ختم کر دیے جاتے۔ ۔۔
کوئی جھانک کے دیکھتا تو اس دل میں تمھارے محبت کے لہلہاتے کھلیانوں پہ رشک کرتا۔۔ ہر ایک شخص تمھارے بعد تھا اور تم صفٖ اول، خانہْ اول، گوشہْ اول، تختٖ اول ۔۔۔
مرے ہر لفظ میں تمھارا عکس تھا ۔۔۔
اور ہر اک سوچ پہ تمھاری پرچھائی۔۔
تم فخر بھی تھے اور مان بھی ۔۔۔ 

سب نے دیکھا سوائے تمھارے۔۔
کھوٹے سکے کی چکا چوند پہ اپنا آپ لٹانے والے،  میری محبت کے تمام موتی اب اشک ہوئے
اب تم پہلے سے نہیں دکھتے  ۔۔
دھندلے سے ہو ، 
مٹیالے سے ۔۔ 
بے رنگ اور بے نور سے ۔۔ 
تمھارے وجود کی چاندنی اس دل سے پھوٹتی تھی  تاوقتیکہ دل تھا ۔۔۔ 
اب دل نہیں رہا، اب صرف شکایت ہے ۔۔ 
 مجھے تم سے بہت شکایت ہے۔۔۔  

Maureen (As received)

It was the last letter I received from Maureen, sobbing in tears as I read every word of it. Knowing till this day she plead for a closure.
It took me a lot of courage to decide what should I do?
Should I give her what she has been asking all these years? A mere conclusion to her love? Or should I just let her pass these remaining years with same agony?
I couldn't sleep all night as a heavy burden on my chest which I have carried since 93. I had convinced myself its ended its over but her letter which I received after 2 years of gap, just says it all. It's never an end to love....
Twisting and turning in bed, I made a decision...
Next morning I woke up, got my self ready and left to see Mareen. All my journey I was nervous, a strange feeling grips my very being. I was scared to see her and reveal the truth on her. I reached my destination, my every step to her door felt so heavy.
I knocked, a young lad came up to the door, gentleman with his personality he asked politely.
Can I help you sir?
I couldn't even utter her name, ummm,ummm
Can I meet Maureen?
Are you friends of her?
Yeah, yeah....
He invited me inside and sat me down, offering a cup of tea, he shouted mom somebody is here to see you.
It was that very moment I thought I will have a heart attack,all these questions rushed in my mind.
How can I face her..
How can I tell her the truth...
How can I do that to her....
A few minutes, she walked in, I was spell bound to see her...
Sorry I don't remember you? She asked
I stood up and said yeah
U don't know me, I am your sailor's younger brother Joseph.
There was silence..
A silence which I had never witness in my 40 years of hard wrenched life.
She sat down in front of me, with tears sliding down her cheeks.
She murmured "is he alive"?
I couldn't look her in the eye, I felt guilty.
No, he is not, I'm afraid but I'm here to tell you something u should know all these years.
My big brother Adam, was the sweetest and most kind hearted person I ever knew. He was my father, my mother, my everything. I loved him more than I can love anyone.
I received you letter yesterday and I couldn't bear the burden anymore, I have to tell you his side of story for your peace and peace to his soul.
Maureen, my brother loved you, he loved you more than me. You were family to him, sometimes I used to get jealous of you, cause he would always jabber about you and your beauty and today I know, why he was so head over heals in love with you.

Maureen, I'm really sorry and I'm even more sorry for what I'm going to tell you next.

My brother never went on any voyage, the day he left you. A week before you held his hand for the last time, he was sleeping and woke up with a severe pain. I had to take him to the hospital. After three days of repeated test, doctors diagnosed him with stage 3 stomach cancer. In blink of an eye, his life fell apart,dreams shattered. Time stopped as I hug him and we cried and cried.

I remember we came back home and he went to the dressing, opened the drawer and pulled out a ring.
Joseph, do u like it?
I said, it's beautiful.
I was going to propose her on Saturday, I had planned everything, decorations, flowers, venue everything,Joseph. But I guess, God has some other plans for me....
I can't do this to her, you know, I love her so much that I cannot drag her down with me to this pain and agonising end, which I'm destined too.

So, he decided that he will let you go. The reason he didn't say anything cause he knew if he explained, you will question him and that will break him down to tears and he will spill the truth. He never wanted to end this way Maureen.

He read all your letters over and over and over again. Now there is no writing left on them, cause he used to cry on every word that it erased every letter u put down. He was a very loving soul, once in a while he will send me to your neighbourhood to see if you are doing ok.
When I told him you have moved on and gotten married, it gave him so much peace. I guess he was hanging on to life just to see you smile once again.

He never got to see your last letter otherwise he would have cried and gotten his pain even worse. He passed away 2 years ago, after fighting really hard for his life.
In his last days, he used to tell me, all the good times he spent with you and how your presence made him feel. Every emotion that you 2 shared, he told me everything.
Sometimes I couldn't handle and used to cry with him. In that very moment he used to smile and wipe my tears and say to me
Joseph "live as if there is no tomorrow".

He took promise from me to never tell you, why he left?..

But I couldn't bare it any more and when I receive your letter I felt both of your souls needed the peace.

I got up and sat next to Maureen, she was silent, shocked, no tears came out of her eyes. Just silent...
I held her in my arms, I am sorry Maureen, I'm really sorry....

She started crying, screaming in pain..

How can he do this to me?
How......

She cried for an hour and then asked me to take her to his grave.

She got ready in hurry and we both left to seek our peace.

Big brother may you soul rest in peace....

Maureen

It was the last letter I received from Maureen. She had dipped every word in pain.. the pain that had been woven together.. Teary and desolate , I read every word of it... with a heavy heart .. she was pleading for a closure, even after all these years..  It took me a lot of courage to decide what should I do? Should I give her what she had been asking all these years ; An ending to her love story or should I let the agony be?
 All through the night, these thoughts raced through my mind and I was unable to sleep even for a second. By the crack of the dawn, I had convinced myself  that if it has not gone all his time, it wouldn't end now. In my view the letter I had received 2 years ago should have been the last one, but this letter in my hand proved me wrong.
 Next morning I left to see Maureen.. I had decided to look her in the face and tell her of the burden that I was carrying on my chest.  A strange feeling griped my very being as reached her place.. It was a very artistic Victorian style house.. she was a woman of class..
I looked at my unsteady hands and took a deep breath...A few seconds after I had knocked, a young lad opened the door.. Thick black hair fell carelessly on his broad forehead, deep blue eyes looked at me eagerly as I missed his greeting ...
"Uh, excuse me sir?" His concerned voice brought me back to reality. I couldnt help but notice that he had the same dimple that I was so familiar with.. A dimple that distracted the listeners and laughed at the helpless admiration of the opposite..
"Umm , oh yeah ..... Can I.. Can I see her? ............ Maureen?"
His frown deepened... "Are you friends with her?"
"I know her very well... Yes..".. he invited me inside and sat me down, offering a cup of tea .It was that very moment that fear uncoiled inside me.. I was here to put an end to someone's wait .. a wait that was now a part of her life.. her routine.. I was there to take away the moments she spent in the evening sitting by the window staring in her past. I was there to take away her reason to write a letter again.. I was there to make all her unfinished letters meaningless..

Then all of a sudden,before I could run away, she walked in the room and I ... saw her... I saw the person, who had haunted my life .. Who was unknown yet I knew her down to the pores of her fingers... I was spell bound !!

"Hello... I am Maureen but i am sorry I don't seem to remember you? She smiled.. The dimple peeked at me..
I stood up abruptly .. "Yes, I am sorry.. U don't know me" I choked on my words.
"You ... your voice and your eyes.. "She left her sentence incomplete and shook her head.
"I am Sebastian's brother ,Maureen..." I said in a voice so low that I could hardly hear my own self speak and yet she heard me.. She didn't hear his name, she smelled it..
"Sailor's younger brother" she whispered.. suddenly, the air was moist .. I felt as if the time, that one second had frozen.. One second , just the way she wanted... that was the moment of agony..
"How is he?" I stared at her .. was she crying because she knew the answer already or was it because she knew and my visit confirmed it... What efforts we put in avoiding the sad truth and there I was, 6ft of sad and unavoidable truth. I couldn't look her in the eye.. i felt terribly guilty.
"I  received your letter yesterday. Just like all the letters you have been sending all these years..." I stopped and gave her a chance to get up , shout at me .. tell me.. how dare I.. How dare Sebastian...but she just sat there... silent with a lot of tears...
"He didn't go on any voyage.. He couldn't.. The day he came to Sicily to meet us.. he was thrilled..." The memory came alive right in front of my eyes... "He couldn't stop talking about you.. He was drenched and drunk in love.. He took me with him and we came back to Paris .. He was fine until he wasn't.." My voice shook ..
" He threw up ... all over the patio .. blood.. he threw up blood .." Pain and horror spread across her beautiful face .. The two very emotions Sebastian vowed never to subject Maureen to ..
"He showed me the ring .. He said that it was made for just one very special person on earth.. designed to seal the fate of you two alone.. He told me that it was a cursed ring.. either for u or for none.. " I reached inside my pocket and place an old box on the table. The color of the box cloth had faded in all those years..
"Why ..... why didn't he come to me.. I would have loved him just the same.. I would have... "
" He looked at your photograph and read your letters again and again and again.. till he could read no more, see no more, breath no more .. He was in love with your gleeful laughter Maureen, only and only the laughter ... "
"Did he think I would laugh after he disappeared .... ?? " anger, betrayal.. and more anger...\
"No, Living make memories.. you hope to see them again.. accidentally... but death..its the real end.. no more chances of lucky co-incidences... and you laughed , didn't you? when u married and had children.. when your child uttered his first word and took his first step.. "

Maureen didn't say anything.. She quietly went inside ... i walked myself out .. she needed time... she needed a lot of time.. to look at the box I had left on the table.. and the ring inside.. then may be , one day she would even want to see her Sailor so I left the address of his resting place inside the box ..


P.S: Someone read 'The last letter' and wrote the other side of story.. I edited it and here it is. THANK YOU 'AA' for this :) 

My naked soul

It is hurting my fingers to hold the pen and scribble these words... I don't know if you would see the tear stains all over this parchment but if u don't , then take my word for it... they are right here.. so many tiny blots smearing the ink..
Have you,now, looked closely to find those marks and have you touched the paper to feel the dampness ..Just in this moment, have you wished desperately to see my tear streaked cheeks or my red eyes? Your fingers, do they twitch when you try to touch my face in your imagination and it does not materialize into reality? Oh what agony .. Oh what pain.
Is it breaking you heart to read this? I hope it is ...because I long to hear the sound of your heart shattering like a glass in hundred thousand pieces..

I hope that for one whole second every cell in your body defies you.

I hope all wind gets knocked out of your body .. 

I hope you witness the death for one moment and put all your energies in staying alive.. one more second to live .. one more glance at me..
Only then you would know how I felt.. Only that moment will unite us.. make us One..
 ..You will see how agony spreads in your body when you are not understood. All the time, when I was trying anxiously to connect to you..You were there.. in front of my eyes.. so close.. you saw me.. my beautiful eyes and my lips... 

My lips but not my words ....

My eyes but never my tears...

My body but not once my naked soul...

You chose to love the lifeless figure.. a sculpture, a beautiful painting.. You loved me with all your heart but say My Beloved, how is it that you never saw my thriving soul? 

The last letter

My Dear Sailor, 

   
I often wondered what would it be like to write to you, for the last time? Trust me , all the emotions that rushed to me then, are nowhere in sight now. I am not overwhelmed, nor am i trying hard to silence my sobs. On the contrary, I am sitting and writing to you, calm as a sea. I don't exactly remember the number of times I have written to you.. it must be in hundreds, i suppose. I miss that dreamy feeling, though. 
Ah apologies,  this is not how a lady should start her letter. I must greet you first. So tell me darling, how have you been? Away from the city lights, in the chaotic oceans.. How have you been, distanced from the longing of an aching heart? 
Tell me Sailor, does it still excite you, the going away?And do you still keep it a secret .. when are you leaving or where... or do you now let her in on your secrets? 
puft! pardon me. I am off the track again. I am not here to remind you of how you used to be..  I am here to talk about how I used to be  ... 

Every time you told me about your ‘classified voyages'. I always looked at this picture. 

It seemed most appropriate .This picture was my thousand words. But  I could never muster up enough courage to give you the picture or to say those thousand words. Our lives together, was almost like being on opposite sides in a desert. There was a vacuum of silence between us, engulfing us.  In the summer of 96, the day you told me that you were leaving, I could somehow feel you slipping through my fingers. I dont know how or why, but it sounded like the final good bye. 
Your voice still rings in my ear.. heavy with unsaid emotions, your words laden with moisture from your eyes, your broken rhythm .. I wanted to touch your hand Sailor and I wanted to cry .. with you. 'Have faith...' my insides shrieked. But instead, I just let you go. 
It was a very bad time, trust me, because I had only just now started to trust you. I had started to embrace the fall but the tiredness in your voice sliced my heart. I realized that the sweetness of the words that i had in store for none but you, would drown you. It dawned upon me that I, may have overrated a few phone calls.
Is it that you fell out of love with me? Did you see me too closely ... and thought you are not ready to risk your heart for this ..yet or maybe forever!?

If only you would know the longing in my heart, how one part of me still awaits and yearns to listen to your voice. How I dream of meeting you .. accidentally , round the corner of an old bookstore and sit down for a cup of coffee. I imagine listening to your version of this immature love story while the smoke from our coffee mugs form different shapes .. of us.. tangling and untangling.. slowly dissolving in the air. And when we leave after the sun has gone down in the sky, we realize that none of us touched the coffee mugs and its cold as ice now... just like the love between us.. 
However, the elder and mature part of me knows that this is not happening. May be, I took a bit too long to respond to you. After all, you were but a weak man, tired of waiting. Then, all of a sudden you became too busy... letting me know how bad it feels when your feelings are not reciprocated. Thank you for exposing me to this pain.

I am not trying to play a blame game here nor m i trying to prove that you are the beast . I am just trying to analyse the situation. What went wrong?

We had it all.. didn't we Sailor? A beginning neat as spring sprouting in summers in Himalaya, straight from glaciers.. Pure, clean, untouched, sacred… and yet we gave it up .. We were young , naive and so much in love. It puts a smile on my face even now.. after many many years .. I often wake up to a familiar tranquility .. the hush that stretched between us while we both waited for the other to speak... The vacuum was laden with emotions, do u remember Sailor? 
Have you kept my letters? .. I hope you have because 50 years from now people are going to want to read them .. and may be cry for the writer who was numb with affection for a guy who traveled all the time.. You were my Romeo, Sailor.  It just came back to me, just this instance while i am scribbling away my past, unburdening my heart.

It all got messed up… too bad. 

^ouch^

I sound almost apologetic throughout this letter or do I? I am swinging between emotions, you see. For the early part of all this , I was angry at you of course but over the years I have concluded that I was to be blamed equally. I had always been extra sensitive about how I was being treated. Unnaturally touchy about myself,which reflected in my demeanor. Whatever happened , I know it was not something gruesome,heart wrenching, shattering.. nothing that I regret... nothing that disgraced me.

I didn’t want to remember the broken image of yours,ever. You were the person who gave me something to smile about, the one who made me laugh and the one who waited for long hours so that I would speak, the one who made me feel loved, the one who forced my heart into trusting him, the one I, finally, wanted to confide in.. and the one who I wanted to be with.

So when the time came to let you go and move on, I made myself believe that if I see the good in people, it would help me increase the good in me. and you my darling were not good, but the best!  

I leave this here .. Even though a lot of memories are still untouched but You see, i am going round and round in circles, stating only that I loved you in as any ways as a human mind would decipher... Probably because that's the only memory I care about. That's the converging point of my past.. so i stop here... 

Take Care Sailor. Take care of yourself for it would pain my soul if you don't.

Always ... 
Maureen 

He received this letter on the day when the last  flower perished in his garden.