the bitter truth!

‘the beautiful green meadows , a spring, pretty flowers everywhere… and look at me, wearing this white dress, looking like a princess. Walking down the lanes I see happy faces all around. Cheers and that sweet song of happiness. The sun is shining so bright. The trees are laden with fruit and the refreshing breeze … I am so happy right now. Life is so beautiful, so worthwhile.. and I am so loved…

‘WAKE UP YOU FILTHY WHORE.’ It hardly took me 2 seconds to snap out of that dream startled by the harsh tone of the lady who happens to be my mother. It is 4 o’ clock in the morning. ‘5 more minutes’ my sleepy head pleads. But I am wiser enough to ignore the voice.

I am, now, used to the changed tone and there isn’t much I can do except getting adjusted. I have to spend the rest of my life here.

Why? You ask me. Well, because I have no hope of leading a better life than this.

May be because I am a rape victim?

Life wasn’t this ugly all along. Difficult yes, but not ugly.

I come from a lower middle class family where girls are thought of as ‘expenditure’.

I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers and my father is a clerk. I live in a small house.

I have always been a daydreamer. I thought of all the good things to do daily that would decrease the prevailing tension in my small world. I hated the grim atmosphere, the dirty walls that looked even more black when everyday my mother would wail about the unfairness of God.

I wanted to have more colors in my life, I wanted to replace the usual grey with brighter shades of pink, orange and red.

In school I used to envy the girls who seemed to have no problems. Who would laugh loudly to express their joys and who would chatter all day, retelling the happenings of yesterday or in general.

I never had a friend in my life. I have always been a very submissive person. Quiet, shy and an introvert.

The cruelty of life made sure that I gain no confidence and thus, I would always stand at bay and just stare.

3 years back, I came to know a guy. It was a hot summer day and I was walking back from college, drenched in sweat. My throat was dry as sand and I longed for a sip of water for my house was quite at distance. I stopped at a shop, the street was deserted so was the shop. I waited for someone to come and all of a sudden someone appeared from behind and asked ‘may I help you?’

He caught me by surprised and even though I tried but I could not kill the sudden shrill shriek that escaped my throat. It took me a good few seconds to regain my senses and ask for a glass of water.

He stared at me intensely as I drank and even after I walked away. I could feel his eyes boring into my back. I hurried towards home.

Soon after that, I started spotting him. He was tall and dark. His eyes were dark and very intense just opposite to his smile which was mild and reassuring.

Every time I saw him, I felt myself growing fond of him. I tried to remind myself that I am not allowed to think like this and this is unethical.

For the first time in my life, I felt good about something. I would keep on thinking about him for hours and all of a sudden everything looked new to me. all the problems that seemed unbearable before, were not a big deal anymore.

 I would gladly do all the chores without complaining at all.

One day, as I was walking back from college, he started following me and on a deserted road, he called me then took me by hand and told me how I have given him many sleepless nights and he can’t take it anymore. He told me that he loves me. I believed him with all my heart.

6 months passed. We secretly met and talked like I hadn’t talked to anyone in my life. He was the person whom I trusted more than myself. He loved me, respected me. made me laugh and we dreamt of a beautiful life together.

As the time passed, he grew impatient. I told him to bring his parents and he promised me that he would do that.

It was October by then. My last days at college and after that I had no alibis left to go see him. I was desperate to meet him for the last time. he tooK me to a deserted house and he...

I was shocked to see the actual picture. I was dumbfounded. I couldnt even make noise. I remember my breath stuck in my throat as I saw in disbelief whatever was happening. All through those hours I was quite. I wonder why my heart never stopped. I spoke to God, I asked him … why did he do this to me?

He knew me; he knew the life I was living. He knew that I was an unwanted child and I had no good to hang onto. He knew that I longed for love. I made a mistake probably but did I really deserve this punishment? I lay on the floor of an abandoned house for I don’t know how long. I had no idea when that beast left. Night fell, I was hurt. Too hurt to stand up or think. A veil of tears blocked my view. I wanted to die.

Suddenly the door creaked open. My heart fluttered with fear but I had no strength to get up so I shut my eyes tightly. Familiar voices hit my ears and my heart soared with pleasure. My family, they found me at last. I wanted to rush towards them and hug them tightly. I wanted to tell my brothers how the person I gave my heart to betrayed me. How he looted me off my pride. I wanted to hide in my mothers lap. I wanted my father’s strong hands to hold me.

Less than a minute after I heard the voices, I was getting beaten up brutally. I saw my brother’s anguished face and I saw my youngest brother abusing me. My father was urging my brother to kill me at the spot. I had done an irreversible damage.

There was so much pain inside and outside my being. So much ache in my heart… I was pain personified at that moment.

Everything went black at last.

When I reopened my eyes, I saw blurred face of my mother.

She gave me a look of pure hate. Her words were even more poisonous “I don’t want my sons to go to jail because of a whore like you. I wish you just die at this moment and face God’s wrath. you are like a punishment to us”

And my new life began. Every second after that moment I have been treated worse than an animal.

Every day before going to sleep I ask for forgiveness from ALLAH and every day I secretly wish to see some mercy in my family’s eyes. But that day hasn’t come and isn’t likely to come in this lifetime.

I am a victim of brutality, used by the powerful son of Adam, and thrown to bear the consequences of a sin I didn’t commit.

Don’t feel pity for me, I am content with my fate now. I have, in my heart agreed that yes I was born to serve the better gender and I deserve to be treated like this. I have faith in the creator that he has punished me for something. Of course, the inhuman treatment I get from the people who know for the last 23 years shows that it’s me who is at fault. So many people cannot be wrong at a time.

What did you say? I shouldn’t have a negative approach and should anticipate well?

I will… if I don’t get beaten up by my brothers for giving someone a chance.

If I don’t have to bear the loathing eyes of my father many times a day

If I don’t have to hear the horrendous comments other people have to make

And above all, if I don’t listen to my own mother praying for me to die.

I am dead. I am only breathing and that is not the same as living… what do u think?

I think i should commit suicide but deep inside my heart, I have a dying hope and a dream attached to it…

A dream of a better life… someday… here or hereafter.