scarf: my journey

I am 22 years of age, very liberal, extrovert and extremely rebellious by nature.

My story begins from the time I had gained enough conscious to understand that I was a human. Oh only God knows how I hated all the sanctions put on me by people, culture, traditions and to some extend religion. Not that I wasn’t proud of being a Muslim or I wanted a free hand but I just couldn’t stand the exaggeration in religion and self created stringent rules. I loathed the artificial world that was created around me by the people who followed their own version of Islam and manipulated the social and cultural norms.

I never cared much about head covering and veil thingy. I knew it wasn’t the criteria for the judgment of character. i liked my hair open, that didn’t make me a bad girl. At least I was better than the ones who wore Abayas and dated boys. I had seen too much of this fake abaya dramas to believe in it. I loved the way I was, loved to be myself.

Anyway, as much as I looked like an alien (not to mention how I felt) in this world of self beliefs, deep inside my heart I knew I was destined to be somewhere else. But I just couldn’t figure out where. Every time I found myself stuck in any tight spot, I cried and begged ALLAH for help, any indication that He is there, listening to me, loving me.

Truly speaking I never, for once, got it, no matter how hard I begged and for how long.. I was in dark. i felt like a child who had been separated from her mother in a square and had no idea which way to do. With so many people surrounding her, she felt scared enough to loose sanity.

Frustration piled up inside me and at times I would just find no solution and burst all of a sudden. My family, folks, friends and foes all thought that I was too weird for this world. I suspect many wished to dissect me to know if I was human enough from within ( lol, thankfully they weren’t impulsive)

Ok! Cutting the long story, my life was a mess. I had no idea what the hell was happening to me. Like nature had something against me. What ever I wished for , never happened and exactly what I NEVER wished for came to me as if it was fate. 

After fsc I wanted to go along with my besties to an out of city college at any cost, living and studying without them was suffocating. Guess what happened? Correct! They went away, and I was left alone once again. For 3 years of my uni life, I tried to blend in, killed who I really was, shunned my talents and did what not to be acceptable.

And then one day, a teacher walked in my class and now that I look back. It can see that moment as the golden one. I must be very lucky that he walked in MY class, out of all the classes in the world.

Slowly and gradually, the thick layer of dust began to remove from my heart and I breathed again after centuries. He was a PhD and he was also an Islamic scholar. I argued with him about Islam, with the little knowledge I had gathered from different sources. I asked him about the little sanction in the name of Islam that were suffocating me and about the rigidity.. I talked to him like he was a friend and he listened to me, with that smile on his face like he understood the frustration, the sadness in me. I argued about my views regarding head scarves and how people mistreat it and it’s more a sign of an imposter than of a pious lady and I was not a MUNAFIQ! He didn’t argue back and I thought I had him convinced. (Huh! I knew I could do it: my mind voice said)

The semester ended and he headed to Saudia. By that time I was very much attached to him. I thought that the little journey I had traveled in his borrowed light in this dark jungle has come to a halt and I will be lost in the dark again.

What I didn’t know was the script had something else. I suddenly felt stronger than before. I felt like now is the time that I should take control of my life. I should do, what I want. I am the driver of my car.

And I decided to take my first step towards Allah. If he never responded to me, why not? I had to find him. I found my spirit at his door step, knocking vigorously at his door. My stubborn soul lingered there till the time I heard footsteps. The door didn’t open but I had his attention now. It was ecstasy for me. Then I open the book of revelation. I finally got myself answers to the misery that had kept me wailing since before my birth.   

: “and it’s not Allah that does injustice to man, it is man himself who does wrong to himself” (AL Quran)

The word used there was ZULM. My voice echoed in my ears: “ALLAH kiun hum per zulm kerta hai, ussey tars bhi nhi ata?”

                                           

The more I read the deeper I fell in love with Him. He deserved to be loved.

And one day I covered my head with a head scarf. I was claustrophobic, I still am but the strength of His love is far greater than my phobia.

I had learnt that it was his order for us, the women to cover our heads. I had learnt that there was no denying the order, there was so path except Allah’s, no power except his, no will except his. There was jus ALLAH everywhere. Most importantly I had learnt that when u are in love, you are not supposed to argue!

I knew all along that I was a stray soul, bound to reach the destiny sooner or later. Thankfully I have!