eloquent speech...

I am wide awake and not sure why.  I should be sleeping but I have this weird headache that’s not letting me rest. Also I have this uncanny feeling that’s not letting me sleep.

My sister is sleeping right beside me but i can see how restless she is. It’s the weather I think. Humid, warm, sultry and everything seems to be closing in on you. The sweating, mosquitoes and insects add to the misery.

And with this entire itchy atmosphere, a person gets all pessimistic. An inundated flow of memories that are most of the time not very pleasant invade you and no matter how hard you try, your mood gets quirky.

At least this happens to me..  This strange weather reminds me of all my weaknesses, my flaws, my mistakes and when and where I have been so wrong in my life. all the times, when my little consideration would have saved me from so many miseries. A little courage on my part would have made my past more bearable, a clearer vision would hv saved me from going astray, a little more contempelation would have given me more to cherish about…

But the thing is that we cannot control our past neither can we bring it back or change it for good. Its done , if not dusted.

Admittedly, it does effect our present and somewhat our future but then again its never to late to make up for the past mistakes, take charge of things, turn a new leaf and decide in your head that ‘ok! Fromthis moment onwards, the game rules are changing and I AM THE BOSS’

Besides,  rather  than crying over the spilt milk why don’t we concentrate on the things we did right Afterall, You cant be all wrong all the time. Sometime, at some place you must have been right too even if for a small span of time.

Some decisions you made, from heart and not from your smart head must have given  you so many little things to be happy about.

Remember, those times when all your friends in the spur of the moment decided to bunk the usual routine and give yourself a little thrill?

Or  the awesome moment when you decided to make dinner for your family and ended up burning everything , serving bread and omlette afterwards?

Knowing your friends/family have arranged a ‘surprised’ bash for you and still you act all innocent and excited?

The births of your baby cousins and buying them little presents?

How the balloons that are bought over on birthday become so dear to you?

when you cancel your outing to study for a test because your mom loves your straight As?

And how you fell in love … and could never quiet meet the end…

I wish we would all learn to remember just the good things and discard the painful memories that are associated with life.

How could we fuss over all the failures of life and all the successes we never achieved?

Why not let go of all the things that have been haunting us since forever?

Let go of the fears that have been nourishing inside us.

I don’t know about people out there but right now I want to let go of everything.. Good and bad..Become void, empty, annulled, negated, cancelled, reduced to zero, nothing… and then re-emerge… like a phoenix.. Reborn from the ashes… clean, new, baptized.. 

I want to shut out the past which has made me impure, dirty, tainted, poisoned, judgmental about things, biased, cruel, spiteful, vindictive and mean!

I want to search for the person I was, the person I was meant to be… and realizing that it’s too difficult now to retrieve that being from heaps of dirt that have been layered upon the original, I prefer to be like phoenix then....

Difficult it may be but not impossible.. Besides its totally worth it..

What’s better a task than finding the real you, catch up with it and walk hand in hand down the lane!

SOUL SISTERS

I never thought that someday i 'd be dedicating a page of my blog to a piece of writing called 'sisters'.
lol.. probably because i have always taken them too forgranted to think about any such flashy act.
but here i am .. a writing written with loads of love and affection.
if someone would ask me to define the word 'sister' i'd say 'constant support and unnecessary pampering'. because to me, this is what sisterhood is all about.
i have always been a sort of person who would take pleasure in her own company, finding new ways to entertain myself, content with my solitude and turning it into an adventure. so everyone who has put up with me so far is an incredible person! 
and when i look at the list all i see, are my sisters =) both biological and non biological ;)
i know, this is a controversial statement but i dont expect many of you to understand this. so shut the 'make sense' gene and read this as it is ...
Abda and Misbah were born to the same mother as me so we have this biological thing here but please dont get fooled by this. this doesn't mean that we were best buddies from the nappy times. most of my life i have been tortured by Abda( who happens to b 4 years my elder) that i was brought to mom by a massi in a red basket . screw you for that!
it look a hell lot of hard work to become frnds with my sister and i HAVE to take all the credit for this one! she was always the quiet, nerd type. sitting in a corner, doing homework on time sort. 
so when she was in college, i finally noticed her and decided to bring a change in her life and so i did. i bugged her day and night to the point where she couldn't ignore me and took me in her friend's circle and the rest is history. 
How i persuaded her to show some excitement towards life is another long story. some other time.( =p , i know Abda you'd want to kill me for this baby but i cant deny the truth! )
Actually, that was the time when i realized what a beautiful person she is, concealed from our eyes but someone who has strength, wisdom, insight, sensitivity and what not!
and misbah... ummm i dont exactly recall how I made this one possible :D but even mom agrees that misbah was weird!(jk) i mean she never spoke or  participated in any activity. she would just sit (or stand) and stare until you were pissed but that 'was called analyzing. Again, my stupid summary was proven wrong when i got to know my 3 year younger sister. she is creative, sharp, quick witted and have one of the best sense of humors in the world!
in our teens, we had finally managed to make a perfect 'trika'. we would laugh like crazies on our problems, make fun of each other and everyone around, take random turns, enjoy our mistakes, console each other in bad times, help eachother to get through, give strength and advice, live the moments and always stick together!
BTW this word 'stick' reminds me of university times. me and Abda, fortunetly or unfrtunetly, went to the same college and we would just STICK together, wherever and whenever :D to everyone's great annoyance.

Side by side another heart touching story flourished as well. when i reached sixth standard, i found this pretty 'mama's girl' in my class. she was neat , obedient, well behaved, quiet, a class topper.. shortly she was everything i was not. one random day, i saw 'Hanaa Noaman' sitting quietly during break. this was heavy on my heart so i walked up to her and offered her a walk outside. reluctantly she agreed ( probably she was scared of me) and that we day we had our first chat which led to the never ending chats till today. since that day , me and Hanaa are inseparable. the best of the best friends a.k.a sisters!
Zainab Qadir is another one in my life who has this huge space in my heart. we both took all the time of this world to reach to the point where we are standing firmly right now and each day we grow to be more fond of each other. till 10th grade, she was a good friend. In college, she moved to BH and that's when the the story began. we missed each other's company and stupid jokes, wrote each other lengthy letters describing the loneliness, new college, the girls.. we backbit, gossiped, bitched in our conversations, we threw parties and went to all the extremes of fun.
we decided to accept eachother just the way we were.. no changes.. minor or major!
Although me and  ZQ have alot in common.. e.g the tendancy to talk bullshit, silly imagination, ruining someone's perfect moment, bitching to the height but there is a sensitive part to both of us that we have discovered and i guess that's our friendship niche. that has us hooked.. forever!

lastly, here comes Maliha Shah. 'leah' to be frank. i officially met her in my univerisity's 6th semester. at the time where i was perfectly comfortable and at peace with my 3 best friends and wasnt looking for another.
but that's the funny part. she never became my friend, she directly sublimed into my sister.
starting from one sleepover in  my 7th semester, this bond is growing since. she fitted in our lives so perfectly that we all were caught by surprise. even shy misbah was perfectly fine and that got me thinking' she is my lost sister... definitely she is' and time proved me right :)
when i have noone to  talk to or rather when i am in my biting mode where i dont wanna talk to anyone, leah is the one who always comes to my rescue. she understands me completely and i never hesitate to spill it all in front of her. no matter how silly my problem is, she takes it all in.
i have so much to write about these gorgeous ladies but time and space is the issue. i know i have smiles all over this writing but that is what sister's are all about!
no matter how bad the situation is or in how deep shit you are in, you'd always find them standing by ur side, lifting your spirits, give a piece of their mind, returning you, your confidence and smile and never allowing you to stand alone!

we have grown old... but i am waiting for our reunion this year when we'll giggle like 11 year olds. GOD blessus, always!

how old?
ABDA ........ a PhD fellow in UMB, Norway.
MISBAH ....... a fresh graduate of BurnHall College, Pakistan
MALIHA..... Master's student in IUJ, Japan
HANAA..... graduate of FJWU, Pakistan
ZQ..... Final year Med student in WMC, Pakistan
ME.. Master's student in CIIT, Pakistan
 ;)

Kahani mohabbat ki

11th December,2012
'Kuch bhi nhi badla... aj b sardiun ki shamien utni hi udas hain, barish ansoon ki manind barasti hai, zameen safaid barf  ko kafan ki tarhan lapait leti hai.. aj bhi har taraf woi sanata hai, aj b dil men woi veerani hai aur aj b man mandir men bus ik hi awaz goonjhti hai.. tumari hansi ki awaz'
cigerette k dhuwen ne andhere kamre men ajeeb si ghuttan paida ker rakhi thi. lamp ki halki roshni men woh thaka thaka sa apni diary likh raha tha. 
dekhne men khoobru tha. Na shave berhi woi thi aur na ankhoon men ratjagoon ki surkhi thi. Guzarte mah-o-saal men us ne apna dard chupana khoob seekh liya tha.
Ab us ki neendun ka safar bhi asaan tha magar kabhi kabhi jab khuwab ziada din us k wajood se khali rehte to ik bechaini si us ko apne hisaar men le leti. Sajdey taweel ho jate aur sarkoon ki khak channe ka dorania barh jata.
18 maheene se us ki iss mamool men shayad hi koi tabdeeli aii ho. pehle pehel us k ghar wale, dost pareshan huwe, magar ab to jaise sab ne us ki halat se samjhoota ker lia tha.Shayad iss kahani men kuch naya nhi tha. woi ik larka , woi ik larki aur woi pagal c mohabaat, jo najane kitne azeeatnak anjam dekhne k nawajood har dafa do masoom logoon k darmiyan aa khari hoti hai..

'tum chupati kiun nhi ho k tum mujhse mohabbat kerti ho?' Dobte suraj ko dekhte huwe us ne poocha. Woh us k itne araam se mohabbat pe eman lane pe heeran tha.
' jo baat ho chuki hai, ab us ka kia inkar karoon?'zara sa hans ne us jawab dia.
'aaise itni mohabbat na karo mujhse'
us ki iss baat per bari ada se us ko dekhte huwe, woh jitane wale lehjey men boli :

'mujhe samjhaya na karo k ab to ho chuki mujh ko

mohabbat mashwara hoti to tum se pooch k kerta'

woh bohat badal gaya tha. waqt kabhi ik sa nahi rehta. zindagi mien jo batien ap ko kissi morr pe khush kerti hain, phr unhi batun ko yaad ker k rona aata hai. Ali Abbas ko bhi ab har baat us ki yaad dilati thi aur har yad pe woh siwae ansoo bahane k kuch ker nhi sakta tha. andekhe ansoo jo bus us k dil pe girte they...

'Dar nahi lagta tumien?' thandi c sham men sarak k kinare baithe huwe Ali Abbas ne us se poccha.
Ice cream khate huwe us ne uper dekha 'Tum se?'
woh 'haan' kehna chata tha.. ' Waqt se... mujhse bhi' woh bohat mohtat se lehjey men bola
'tumien kabhi lagta hai k men tumien chor k chali jaun g?' ice cream cup footpath pe rakhte huwe us ne poocha
'Nahi'  itna to woh janta tha ussey
'Aisa hi yaqeen hai mujhe tum pe.. iss se b xiada. to dar kaisa?' tissue se hath saf kerte huwe woh muskura k boli.

dheehan us ki taraf nhi tha... woh bus usey dekhe gaya.

Har din woh ussey heeran kerti.. apni baatun se, khayaloon se, adatoon se, apne wajood se aur woh mabhutt sa ho jata.
kabhi ussey lagta k yeh sab kuch sach nhi hai. 'she is too good to be true.' woh apne best friend ko kehta.
Ali Abbass us k sehar men tha aur har din mazeed us ki taraf khicha chala jata. bekhud sa ho jata tha us k samne phr bhi apna ikhtiyar nhi khona chata tha. woh darne laga tha ab us se. bhagna chata tha. ussey lagne laga k aaista aaista woh khatam ho jaye ga aur har taraf bus woi reh jaye g. ik zara c larki se to woh ni har sakta na..

Ali Abbas k gahr men sab jante they un k barey men. jiss din us k abba ne usey bula k shadi kerne ka kaha to woh saaf inkar ker aya ' Awal to men shadi nhi kerna chata abhi aur agar bhi loon to b us se nahi karoon ga'
Abba pareeshan chehre liye us se bus itna hi keh paaye.' magar kiun? woh bohat achi larki hai'
' Sahira hai woh.. jadoo kerti hai' woh kuch nhi bola bus soch k reh gaya...

yehi sab us se chand din k baad bina kissi lihaz k saaf saaf usey bhi bata dia..
'Jhoot' kali ankhoon men heerat ka jahan liye woh ussey dekh rahi thi. usey yaqeen nhi aye ga woh janta tha.
ik dam hi khali ankhoon men pani bhar aya.. ghutti ghutti awaz men boli ' kia tum mujhse... mien.. achi nhi lagti tumien?'
saaf alfaz men to na kabhi na us ne kaha tha, na Ali Abbas ne. bus ik khamosh sa moida tha jaise..
ab yun pehli dafa yeh sawal kerte huwe usey bohat sharam aii. woh janti thi k aaise sawaloon ki nobat us waqt ati hai jab kehne ko kuch na reh jaye.. yeh kissi b taluq ka akhri sawal hota hai..
phr b us ne yeh akhri bazzi khaili.. apni qeemat lagai us shaks k samne..
Ali Abbas ne kuch second usey dekha aur chup chaap uth aya... ussey pata tha k woh bohat rooi ho g per ab woh kuch nhi ker sakta tha..

8 MONTHS LATER:
Is guzre waqt mien woh bohat yaad ai.. bohat se moqoon pe, bohat se batien us ki yaad dilati theen per woh dil sakht kiye raha. apne app ko behlane laga.
us din najane kiun har harba nakam ho ra tha. porra din ik bechaini men guzra tha. lakh koshish k bawajood bhi woh apna dhehan nai hata sakka. 
thak k us se apna phone nikala. 5 minute screen ko dekhta tha phr phone sidetable pe rakh dia. usy samajh nhi aa rahi thi k phoen kerna chae ya nahi. bilakhir dil mazboot ker k us ne phone ker dia.
1, 2,3,4,5 bells ... woh kiun uthae g us ka phone... aur bilkul ussi waqt phone utha lia.
'hello' woh yun jaldi se bola jaise dar ho k phone kat na jaye.

'kiun phone kia apne?' yeh us ki awaz to nhi thi.. choti ki awaz thi. kai baar us ne choti se baat ki thi, woh bohatachi tarhan pehchanta tha us ki awaz ko.
' mien.... kahan hai wo?' khud ko mazboot zahir kerne laga likin jawab men tooti c awaz ne us ko hazar andeshun men mubtala ker dia.
'please.. ab kia chate hain ap? chor dien us ko'
'choti please.. please phone mat band kerna.. just tell me.. woh kaisi hai? thek hai na?'
aur woh jo shayad yeh sunna cha ra tha k woh theek hai , bohat khush hai, us ko yaad nhi kerti.. apni zindagi men mutmain hai.. siskiyan sun k pareshan ho gaya.. dil ik lamhe men doob k ubhra..
'choti..'
'mar rahi hai woh.. ap ne kiun kiya aaisa? she was fighting cancer aur ap ne .. ' ansoo us ka jumla mukamal nhi hone de rahe they.
Ali Abbas ko laga jaise asmaan gir paraa ho.. pata nhi maut ki takleef kaisi ho g.. shayd iss se kam..
us ik lamhe k liye us ki sans jaise thehr gai thi, palkien jhapakna bhool gaya woh, na koi aahat koi na dharkan sunai di.. yaqeenan us lamhe men kainat b thehr gai ho g...
' nahi.. us ne mujhe.. she never told me' Ali Abbas ko samajh nhi arhi thi k kin alfaaz ka sahara le.. kia kahe k bazzi us k haq men ho jaye. usey laga k yeh koi khuwab hai.. bus ankh khulne ki dair hai..
'pyar kerti thi apse... pyar chae tha usey apka.. tars ya hamdardi nhi.. per you were just not worth it' ghussa, nafrat, bebasi . aur najane kia kia tha choti k lehjey men...

Ey Mohabbat tera bakht k tujhe bin mol mile
Hum se anmol jo heerun men tula kerte they..

yeh us ka pasandeeda tareen shair tha. aur hameesha sharat men yehi perha kerti thi.
'tumien pata hai dunia men jitni mohabbat aur izzat mere pass hai na tumare liye, utni kissi k pass nhi ho g'
ussey apne app pe ghusa aney laga, nafrat hone lagi..
apni soch se... kon c male ego? kon c dominance.. bus mohabbat thi.. kiss se bhag raha tha wo? us se? k woh cha jaye g us pe.. apni mohabbat se khaufzada tha .. sapurdagi se dar gaya tha..

Abhi justaju men hun us ki to ussey ehsas nhi mohsin
ro ro k pukare ga humien, zara mar to jane do...

us ki qabar pe har sham taza gulab rakhta tha. pachtawa hota tha usey.. per guzre waqt ko wapis lana mumkin nhi tha..

'woh ap ko yaad kerti thi.. akhir waqt tak.. jab tak bol sakti thi.. bus ik hafta pehle us ne baat kerni chor di thi.. woh bohat takleef men thi.. per hameesha ap k liye dua kerti thi .. kehti thi k bus ik wohi hai jiss ki ankhoon men zindagi hai. woh khafa hota hai to suraj b bujh jata hai. us ne hum sab se wada lia tha k hum apko maaf ker dien gey' woh choti se milne gaya tha. sab ne ussey maaf ker dia tha bus ik woh khud apne app ko maaf nhi ker sakka tha.

Qabaristan k gate pe baitha woh bacha roz ussey dekhta tha. aj  us k sath sath chalne laga.
'tum kon ho?' laperwahi se bache ne poocha. woh chup raha
'phool k kiya lagte ho?' bache ne dobara pocha.
'phool kon?' us ne kuch heerani se bache ko dekha
'woh' us ne peche mur k us qabar ki taraf ishara kia jahan us k laye taza gulab mehak rahe they. us k alfaaz gum ho gaye.
'to kon ho tum?'
' phool wala'
aaista se keh k woh shikasta qadmoon se bahir cahl diya...

changing meaning...

When i was a child i took fear as a bogeyman appearing out of nowhere, broken heart as refusal to buy an ice-cream, reason to cry because my sister doesn't want to play with me, my idea of fun was to watch Captain planet, play 'name-thing-place', beating my brother in ludo, eating 'chae-paratha', talking to my grandfather and holidays at Nano's place. i thought Army means brave soldiers for whom its Pakistan through and through, Doctors meant last limit of life saving efforts day n night, Police was to catch bad guys, Lawyers were to abide by the law in any case and Judges were the keepers of law ,Civil servants a symbol of truth and honor and PM and President were Pakistan's faces in the world and Politicians were poeple's voice and above all Bangladesh was just another country.

and after a decade all the meanings have changed.
Fear means loss of life in a bomb blast,
Broken heart means drone attack victims,
Army means Marshal Law,
Doctors mean strikes at the expense of poor people's lives,
Police means bribery and atrocity
PM & President mean convicted people
Judges mean rule of power
Civil bureaucracy mean embezzlement and deception
and Bangladesh means East Pakistan!!

Sometimes i wonder if ignorance is a blessing.
If i was just another typical girl, spending my energies on dress designing, focusing on my studies, hoping to get married to a sensible guy in an appropriate age and changing the channel whenever new channels come on TV, would it make my life any calmer?

what if i never decided to probe in to the past and get to know the root cause of all this mess, would i be less complex about my views about Pakistan?

i have to admit that i am cynical about my land. i think the moment i came to knew about LOVE, i instantly fell in love with Pakistan and as the old saying goes ' pehla pyar kabhi nhi bhoolta'

so here i am , a typical Pakistani who cries at every single incident.
be it the history of INDO-PAK, the partition, Death of our Leaders, Marshal Laws, Wars, Bangladesh, or the current affairs where everyday something goes wrong.

it makes me wonder that 60 years of mistakes have created so much mess that its like a woolen ball, you cant find the way out. it will just go worse but then the patriot inside me snubs the pessimist. 'every dark cloud has a silver lining' the patriot says. 'and Pakistan will come out of it. its a wound that grew inside and now its releasing the filth. every sector is being cleaned' 


Dreams... there are dreams in our eyes regarding Pakistan and prayers... 
but i fear the opponents.. are they too big to fail?

Lets go back to 'UNITY-FAITH-DISCIPLINE'
these three weapons will win our fight! 

someone like you

He left me while i stood on a deserted road... empty handed with an empty heart, bewildered, scared and lost.
'Why did you do this?" i wanted to shake the answer out of his sealed lips.  i hated his silences more than ever at that moment. ' speak for God's sake, say something' i was crying bitterly but nothing i did brought him back.

Days passed in a haze.nothing interested me and i wasn't interested in anything at all too.  as much as i wanted the world to end everything looked [pretty much the same to me each day. i stared out of my apartment window , i saw neon signs , flashy advertisements, people coming n going, girls giggling, boys hanging out and couples strolling happily...

i spent 2 weeks of my life sitting on the naked floor reminiscing, shedding fresh tear on the same thing everyday, thinking of all  the possibilities that would bring him back to me. i live in my past and ignored everything around me.i wasted 336 hours of my life over someone who wasn't coming back

and finally one day, it dawned upon me that i am at mistake. my attitude is causing me and only me the misery.

'Even if he does show up now, will things be the same between you two' my heart asked me. ' will you be able to overcome the humiliation you felt and will it ease the pain? will it bring back the lost time of your precious life and earn you the smiles in compensation of the tears?and above all will you be able to trust him again, like you did previously?'

NEVER ...

then why am i in mourning? why aren't i moving on?

'look around yourself girl, look at the life that is dancing at each footstep. if He can live without you, why cant you?' i told myself.

i looked into the mirror and saw a strained, tear streaked face of a girl who had the pain of betrayal and lost love in her eyes but i knew soon enough, i am going to replace this reflection with a girl having the glow of success and happiness on her face and eyes shinny like stars on a velvety sky!

since then i have become the hero for myself...

Never mind i'll find someone like you

i wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me i beg, i remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

i often miss him but doesn't mean that i want him back. just a random thought and a little sense of gratitude for letting me know my worth, giving me a chance to discover myself.. and making me understand that he didn't leave me,

                                                     it was all meant to be....

BTW, you can do it too... its all about re prioritizing your life and putting yourself at the top!

cheers!

Break ups

‘Breakup’ is the word that has very much become common in our lives. Every other day we get to hear about the breaks up our friends or friends of friends go through. But I think the word ‘break up’ should not be restricted to the people in a relationship, it also applies on those who are friends. Girl-girl, girl-boy or boy-boy, whatever is the case.

Since the day we gain conscious and step out in the world, we start to form our social circle. And inside the bigger social circle there is a smaller circle of people called ‘friends’. These are the people who are important; who you like very much and get absolutely attached to, and grow to love more with each passing day.

But life never remains the same. People change, situations change, scenarios change, behaviors change.

And that change is not always smooth; on the contrary it creates turbulence in many lives.

Break up leads to vows of never seeing each other again. Such decisions are hard to take and even harder to stand by. Also, they are among the saddest decisions of one’s life, from ’someone I know’ to ‘someone I knew’.

Forgetting someone is damn difficult. It takes a hell lot of courage and patience especially, if it’s all because of a stupid misunderstanding. That is the worst form of ending a relation that meant so much to you one time in life. Fight, it’s the best remedy for misunderstanding and never stay quiet. You’d lose all. we all deserve clarification and reassurance. 

Egos, for sure destroy the relations but nothing in this world is more important than your self-respect. Feel the difference.

Don’t let your ego kill what you built with love.

But once you feel that you have been chasing rainbows, decide in yourself that that’s it! You are done and through with this torture. The person who cannot give you a smile now, is highly unlikely to ever share your laughter.

But that won’t be an easy  journey. You will break down many times on your way and call that person, to see if there is any chance of a roundabout, you'd be stepping on your self esteem but I think that’s okay.

When you fall in love with someone, it only shows that how strongly you are capable of loving and how your heart is filled with the treasure of love and you are not stuck up to keep it all inside and not let it shower over people who surround you.

A broken heart takes many comforting words, many sleepless nights, a lot of tear shedding, tight hugs from best friend followed by episodes when u feel strong and when you feel like a complete loser because you care for a person who never cares back.

What is most important in this whole process is ‘faith in you’. One mustn’t loose heart over the fact that he/she is the desperate one, who is unable to let go of a jerk. Rather you are one wonderful person who has an ability to hold on to sinking ships.

Never think that loving a person made you ‘accessible’ or ‘easy’. There is not a single soul in this world that cannot be conquered by love. For when God made us, with all the other ingredients, he mixed a large bowl of love, and he had taken that bowl from his special secret cupboard of rare qualities. This is the only great quality he gave to every single person on planet earth.

And many years later, when the person who had hurt you the most in the world, meets you randomly on a busy street, forgive him/her. Forgive that person for being an ass , forgive him for the times when you counted on him the most and needed his support to get through harsh times. Trust me, it was his/her loss more than it was yours. Because it was he who, so easily, let go of one person who loved him unconditionally, cared for him immensely, prayed for him with every breath and anticipated well for him, no matter where or with whom. He is not worth even a tiny bit of space nor in your heart neither in your thoughts.

One person doesn’t define you. He/she doesn’t know the perfect person that resides in you. Just seeing you superficially couldn’t determine the depth. And if that person didn’t have time to explore you, he has no right in this world to be with you.

All those who want a strong relationship after one shake hand or phone call are desperate themselves, who just want a partner be it anyone. So why give up on yourself for a person who couldn’t even distinguish you from all the people on the street. If you do that, you’d be so wasting yourself because believe me, no one dies single. You get to meet your better half anyway.

There are many people who understand you and would give anything to see the bright smile you give that brightens up the whole room. They are your family.  Always there to support you and hold you when you are ready to kiss the ground.

Even if u do kiss the ground one time, don’t worry, when you stand up you will be much stronger a person, ready to deal with the world.

I AM A DREAMER AND WHEN I WAKE

YOU CAN’T BREAK MY SPIRIT

IT’S MY DREAMS YOU TAKE

AND AS U MOVE ON

REMEMBER ME, REMEMBER US

AND ALL WE USED TO BE

I HAVE SEEN YOU CRY, I HAVE SEEN YOU SMILE

I WATCHED YOU SLEEPING FOR A WHILE

I ‘D BE THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD

ID SPENT THE LIFETIME WITH YOU

I KNOW YOUR FEARS AND YOU KNOW MINE

WE HAD OUR DOUBT BUT NOW WE ARE FINE

AND I LOVE YOU AND I SWEAR IT’S TRUE

GOODBYE MY LOVER, GOODBYE MY FRIEND….

feel alive!

Stagnant water produces nothing but diseases...
this is what I said to the interviewer yesterday.

today I met one of the very smart people. The sort of a person who'd live near us but never gets noticed . and even if we do notice them we think of them as too different to interact. but i think that's not true . you can never tell what is inside a person's head unless n until you hear him/her speak. being judgemental sucks at times.
 i always believed that people help you open up and every person you meet opens up a world to you.
right now I am looking at beautiful shades of pink, red, orange, green and many more..

 I think I have always looked for the wrong sorts in my life.
I haven't connected with the right kind of people. and am glad I have just done it now.

what is the point of being a pessimist and a whiner?
life is much more than a few problems.

this world is such a beautiful place. ALLAH has created a wonder land but its such a shame that we have been bound and restricted. not having the liberty to travel across the borders and see things, feel things, perceive them, analyse and judge them and then make opinions.

m feeling bad about being stuck in a place more than ever.

I don't want to be stagnant in life and I want to thrive and shine. i don't want to let hurdle become blockages.
i don't want to accept the fact that i was born in a developing country with less opportunities for a common man. i want to change it.
and i will.

and if i cant do that, I'd die with regrets in my heart.
I'd waste my life, my talent and myself else.

and since i always dream big and aim high so i think someday i will achieve what i want.
and i am writing this at this hour as a proof that , yes i did dream about my future.

probably then i will look back and pat myself on shoulder :)

i am even smiling now, imagining all sorts of poses i'd make in front of the camera and the kind of dresses i will wear... LOL!!

so all of you out there.. no matter where you are living right now.. dream of a far away land with majestic architecture, rich culture, delicious food, soothing music, awesome beaches, exotic wildlife and whatever you can think of...

and if you don't achieve this dream, make sure you ease the path for others so that they can achieve their dreams through you and may be then you can live your dream too.. indirectly!

its all about you and its all about believing in yourself...

GOOD LUCK!

Stories from my mind, heart and soul!: How I see it!

Stories from my mind, heart and soul!: How I see it!:   The most difficult profession in the world is of a writer. The hardest thing in life is to write about love. People think that its very ...

How I see it!

 The most difficult profession in the world is of a writer. The hardest thing in life is to write about love. People think that its very easy for the writers to create characters and a situation, let them meet and make them fall in love and then swirl the story round and TADA… and they live happily after all.

Well sorry to burst the bubble but its just the opposite. Writers are just as much humans as the readers. They go through the hardships of life and also get to face the worst situations which many of the audiences can’t even imagine. So thinking that we live on cloud number 9 is bullshit. People expect us to create wonders neglecting the fact that we are not supernatural.

But what makes us different is the ability to hold ourselves together even when we are hit pretty hard. We just hold the ground and don’t let go. We also get broken hearts and shattered confidence but we just pull ourselves back.

We lose people and we get betrayed too but we owe the strength to our skill. So instead of crying ourselves to death, we wipe our tears and create something positive which seems to be the hardest thing at the moment but we know that we have to use our pen power to give something to the people out there in the world who are waiting to lean on someone’s words.  

So we write… about love, hope, happiness, a smile, twinkling stars and dreams. About colors and rainbows, autumn sceneries and spring sprouts. When in real we have just lost the love of our life and are experiencing pangs of pain.

No one sees beyond the words.  No one reads between the lines. We suffer with our characters but we let them live on when in real,we are dying of the same tragedy. we do this because we feel the responsibility of hundreds of dreams that a reader might have associated with a particular character.

We know that no court in the world is going to charge us for death sentence if we let the hero die or never let the lovers meet. But we never do the obvious logical bad endings.

Ever wondered about the magical ending of the movies and novels? Whatever may be the calamity, everything gets well in the end.

You know why writers make such a fool of themselves by giving happy endings to every single novel? Because we are here to ease the pains and difficulties of the most trodden road of life.

Honestly sometimes I want to write about the actual life. The way it is. Where nothing goes right but no, m not allowed.

I am not allowed to use my skill to upset people who read my words. I am not allowed by my heart. Which is broken and bleeding itself but still cares about others.

And I also know that people take inspirations. We do too. So no one has a right to shut the door of hope on some one’s face.

So, don’t disregard the LOVE STORIES you are so tired of hearing and reading.

Most of the time they are written in blood.

If you are a girl, Be a Disney princess and dream about prince charming.
If you are a boy, then be that prince charming.
Anticipate well for yourself.

Let others work inspire you because inspiration brings out the hidden world in your. The true you needs uncovering and only you can do it for yourslef, noone else.  Do that and use every single mean available.

Don’t give up on yourself. No matter how typical it is for a girl to like pink color , if you love pink be loud and clear about it.

Life is too short to create problems… For yourself and for others.

It’s even shorter to love others. Don’t waste your time today on things that you will regret tomorrow. Your heart always tells the truth. The tiny miny little voice that we often neglect is actual the inner bell that shows the right path. Hear for it and follow the direction. You’ll end up in heaven.

 Take care of yourself and don’t let others distort  you. Don’t go searching for your type from one person to another. Be sacred in yourself and you will attract your better half like a magnet.

Some dreams are your personal. Don’t rely on others to fulfill your dreams for you.

Stand up for yourself, that’s when others will get to know what’s in your head!

Respect everyone because everyone deserves it.

Be honest with people; don’t lead them into false believing by not being staright and fair to them.

Don’t break hearts.

And in the end …

 Love to the fullest and don’t hold yourself back … ever! May be this time is the last time you are getting a chance to speak…

Adios.

Stories from my mind, heart and soul!: Vasl e Yaar ...

Stories from my mind, heart and soul!: Vasl e Yaar ...: Is qadar pyar se ae jaan e Jahan Dil k rukhsar pe rakha hai, iss waqt teri yad ne hath Teri yaad… ne hath… us ne bohat malaimat se ...

Vasl e Yaar ...

Is qadar pyar se ae jaan e Jahan

Dil k rukhsar pe rakha hai, iss waqt teri yad ne hath

Teri yaad… ne hath… us ne bohat malaimat se hath apne gall pe rakha..aur ik dheemi si muskurat ne us k laboon ka ahata ker lia…

Yun gumaan hota hai garche hai abhi subhe firaq,

 dhal bhi gaya hijr ka din Aa b gai vasl ki raat..

Lambe silky balloon se khailte huwe who iss dunia se bohat durr thi. Who khuwab k safar men thi.

Jahan who sikandar ka hath pakre kharri thi, Jahan sari dunia us k qadmoon men thi aur Jahan un dono k darmiyan men koi fasla nhi tha.

Islamabad men apne kamre ki khirki se who oonche baraf posh paharoon ko dekhti rehti aur sochti k kia maloom sikandar ka thikana kon c chooti per ho ga. Najane siachin in sab men se konsa pahar hai…

Who mohabbat se un paharoon ko dekhti, k shyd us ki nazar ki hidaat us shaks tak pohanch jaye jis k dam se  uska Jahan abad hai.

‘Sikandar ko bohat sardi lagti hai,’ who aksar sochti ‘ pata nhi kaise itni baraf men rehta ho ga’

Yehi baatien jab us ne iss dafa sikandar ki chutti men usey coffee bana k dete huwe kahien to who hans para.

‘hum wahan bohat garam kapre pehente hain na aur igloo men rehte hain.. sardi ka to pata b nhi chalta’

Sikandar k dilase se thora to dil ko itmenan huwa per yakdam hi us ne mashkook nighahon se sikandar ko dekha, per sikandar kuch na bola.

Who coffee le k terrace per challi ai. Raat, chandni, tarron bhara asman aur sikandar.. bus yehi chae tha usey apni zindagi mien.

‘SIKANDAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR…. Plzzz upper aoo’

Us k yun badtameexi se chilane pe sikandar hameesha ki tarhan chirr gaya tha,  magar phir bhi upper aa gaya.

Terarce pe sath sath khare hone k bawajod sikandar usey ignore kr raha tha. Yeh us k ghuse ka izhar tha.

‘sikandar’ us ne holey se pukara. Koi jawab nhi..

Us ne halki c kohni mari.. no lift

‘mujhe attitude dikha ra hai’ woh ik dam se us k samne aa k kahri ho gai. mug railing pe aur dono hath qamar per rakh k boli ‘ oye sukki, mujhe attitude dikha rahe ho?’

‘nhi’ mukhtasir jawab

‘phir bol q nhi rahe’

‘tum ne q itna shor kia? Sab ko awaz gai ho g.. log kia sochien gey k captain sikandar ki bivi mien aur masjid k loud speaker men koi farq hi nhi ha’ who khafa khafa sa bola.

Qasoor dono ka nhi tha.. sikandar bohat polite aur soft spoken tha aur who.. who tez, buland awaz, buland khayal, shokh, rangeen, mast..

‘farq hai na sikandar’who masoomiat se boli

‘kia?’ be ikhtiyar hi sikandar ne poocha.

‘loud speaker tumse itna pyar nhi kerta ‘ who shararat se hansi aur sikandar k chehre per b muskurahat aa gai..

‘sikandar’ yak dam hi us ka lehja khuwab sa ho gaya..

‘hmm..’ sikandar ne apne bazoo us k kandhe pe rakh k use qareeb ker lia.

‘tumara dimple itna pyara hai, mera dil chata hai k men us men chup k baith jaun.. aur bus kabhi na nikloon bahir’

‘:D :D :D mere bulane pe b nhi?’

‘ nah.. haan tum bulao gey to jawab doon g.. baqi koi bulaye ga to pretend karoon g jaise men hun hi nhi ‘ woh naak charha k boli yun jaise sikandar per koi ehsan hoga .

Yunhi layani baton k darmian raat qatra qatra bheegti rahi..

Who dono jante they k maheenoon ki judai k baad yeh waqt aya hai aur ab najane dobara kitna waqt lagey ga un ko yun baith k baten kerne k liye..

Who agli subha wapis siachin ja raha tha..

‘aj poore 5 din ho gaye hain ussey gaye huwe’ ungliun pe hisab lagate huwe us ne socha. Halanke aj subha hi sikandar se baat hoi thi. Mukhtasir aur bharpoor…

Us ka din bilkul mamool k mutabiq tha. likin dil men ajeeb si bechaini thi.

Barf se dhakee paharoon ko dekhte huwe, ussey pehli baar khauf sa aney laga.. un paharoon ki oonchai se, jalal se, shaan se, karakhtagi se..

‘sikandar mene K2 jana hai.. mene suna hai wahan suraj ki pehli kiran k sath parian utarti hain.. sunehri pariyan,,’

Apne balloon ko kangi kerte huwe us ne sheeshe men sikandar ko dekha jo bohat inhimak se TV pe najane kia dekh ra tha . us ki baat per TV se nazrien hataien aur us ko dekh k bola

'aaisa kch nhi hota.. beekar batien hain.. its a dead world’

‘KIA?’ who yun shocked hoi jaise sikandar ne abhi abhi yeh keh dia ho k who asli sikandar nhi hai. Phr ik dam hi narazgi se sikandar ki janib dekha aur kaha ‘ huh,tumien kia pata.. faujiun ko nhi nazzar ateen’

‘hmmm shyd.. mene b suna hai k pariun ko hi parian nazar ati hain’

us waqt woh sikandar se itni naraz thi k us k jumle per ghaur hi nhi kia..

aur abhi abhi us laga, jaise in buland paharoon per waqaii kabhi pariaan nhi utarti hoon g balke yaqeenan un kale paharoon men jinnat ka baseera ho ga..

Us ka dil achanak seham gaya.. dharkanoon ki taal kissi anhoni ka pata dey rahi ho jaise…

Who Be maqsad ghar men ik se dosre kamre ka chakkar laga rahi thi…ik dam sare kam khatam ho gaye. Yun jaise us ab baki sari xindagi us k kerne ka koi kam na ho ga…

Jaise sab kuch ker chuki thi who.. aur mazeed kuch nhi bacha tha..

Iron stand k pass sikandar ki light blue shirt rakhi thi.. who shirt istari krne lagi… pata nhi yeh shirt yahan kiun rakhi thi unpressed. Sikandar hameesha se apne kapre khud press kerta tha. who kerna chati phir bhi nhi kerne deta tha.

Khoob jama jama k aur dil laga k who apne kapre press kerta tha. ik shikan b na ho .. aur who itni tawaju se ussey kapre press kerta dekhti to jal k reh jata…

‘sikandar jaldi karo na’ … ‘jaldi na’.. ‘bus na ho gai hai’.. ‘sikannnnndddddddddddaaaarrrr’

Ik ik minute k waqfey se who sikandar k daaen baaen aa key narrey lagati… aur sikandar jhunjhula jata

‘kitni besabri ho tum.. itna sa sabar b nhi hai tum mien’

Phr who shararat se us k hair style ko bigaar deti aur hans k kehti ‘itni attention ik shirt ko mile g to men jealous hoon g na’

5 din  , sikandar k jane k baad se us ne ik dafa b apni diary nhi likhi thi.. sikandar ko hameesha tajasus rehta tha k who kia likhti hai likin who bohat hifazat se apni diary lock men rakhti thi aur chabbi apne room mien rakhe money plant k gamle k neeche… sikandar se chuppa k…

Diary ka khayal atey hi us ne istari band ki , pressed shirt hang ker k kamre ki taraf qadam barhaye.. adhe raste men pohanchi k phone ki ghanti bajhne lagi. Us ne phone uthaya .. abu ka phone tha lahore se..

‘abu… assalam o alikum kaise hain ap.. men akeli thi.. shukar ha ap ne phone ker lia’ who chehki

‘wasalam , m fine beta. Ap kaisi hain..? beta apki sikandar se baat hoi?’

‘men theek thak.. ji abu meri subbha hi baat hoi hai.. theek they keh rahe they k next post per ja k phone karien gey’

‘achaa.. beta mien Islamabad aa raha hun.. pehli flight se’

‘kiun abu? Khairiyat to hai na?’

‘’jii beta.. men aa k apse baat karoonga’

‘Chalien theek hai.. acha hai aa jien.. men akeli hun..phir men Lahore hi chaloon g ap k sath ‘

‘sure .. apna khayal rakhna, ALLAH hafiz’

‘Khuda hafiz’

Us ne gharrii dekhi to raat 9 bajjh rahe they. Abi who andar janey k liye palti hi thi k phone ki bell ik dafa phir baji.

‘ Hello, mrs sikandar?’

‘yes’

‘bhabi men Tariq baat ker rha hun’ tariq sikandar ka college k zamane se best friend tha.

‘je je tariq bhai kaise hain ap?’

‘ I am fine. Bhabi I am afraid there is a bad news,’

‘kahiriyat bhai?’

‘bhai sikandar ki party .. bhabi actually, the team met an accident. An avalanche’

‘ji?’ us ko tariq ki awaz aa rahi thi, samajh b aa rahi thi per kuch aaisa tha k us ka zehen bilkul blank tha.

‘bhabi I am so sorry, likin abhi rescue operation jarri hai. INSHA ALLAH achi khabar miley g. bhabi please ap hosla karien’

Use tariq ki awaz ab b aa rahi thi magar ab usey kuch samajh nhi aa rahi thi. Yun jaise who koi aur zaban bol ra ho. Us ne receiver cradle per rakh dia..

Ussey samajh hi nhi aa rahi thi k ab uusey kia kerna chae. Har ehsas mar gaya tha. use laga who koi khuwab dekh rahi hai aur abhi us ki ankh khul jaye g…

Aaisa nhi ho sakta. Ofcourse yeh sab mazaq hai. Sikandar ka koi practical joke. Ussey pata hai k men apne rishtoon k bare men kitni touchy hoon..

Abhi phone aye ga, men keh doon g k aaise mazaq mujhe bilkul nhi pasand.

Woh uth k kamre men aa gai. Gamle k neeche se chabbi nikal k us ne tala khola aur apni diary nikali. Usey ab sikandar per ghussey anay laga tha. yeh koi tareeqa hai. Tariq bhai ko involve kerne ki kia xaroorat thi. Bahir phone ki bell ho rahi thi. Per us ne koi dhehan na dia.  Sikandar ka ho ga, acha hai use b pata challey…

Us ne apni diary kholi…

Ik tissue paper rakha tha.. per ussey yaad nhi aa ra tha k us ne kab yeh yahan rakha tha…

Tissue ik kaghaz k upper lipta tha.

Us ne be yaqeeni se dono cheezun ko dekha.

Kaghaz kholte hi us ne sikandar ki khobsurat hand writing dekkhhi

‘yeh tissue tumare liye hai. Iss se apne ansoo saaf ker lena :D

Kitna rooti ho na tum.. rotlu.. tumare ansoon se to dam bhar jaye.. chalo kam az kam pani ka masla to hal ho ga na..

Dekho dekho ab ghusse se red ho gai ho… kitne rang hain na tumare pass..

Suno, jab men wapis aun ga na to yeh sare rang le loon ga tumse.. aur apne hathoon per sajaoon ga… tumari ankhoon ka sunehri rang, palkoon ka kala, gallon ka gulabi aur hoonthun ka sharbati… sab k sab…

Roya mat karo, mujhe acha nhi lagta..

Mujahid ki bivi ho.. apne andar hosla aur sabar paida karo.

Zindagi men agar men na raha to koi itne nakhre nhi uthaye ga :P

Apna khayal rakhna

I’ll miss you

Urs sikandar

Who beyaqeeni se us khat ko dekh rahi thi… sikandar janta tha, who diary ki chabbi kahan rakhti hai.. pata nhi us ne kabhi who kholi b ho g.. Jahan jaga jaga us ka naam likha tha… ‘sikandar’

Ansoo mootiun ki soorat us ki ankhoon se gir rahe they.. ussey betarhan sikandar yaad aaney laga ..kahan ho ga who..

Barf ki qabar men,…

Yakdam zorr se hawaien chalne laggi aur mote mote barish k qatre zameen ko seerab kerne lagi.. useey laga asmaan b us k gham men roo raha hai.. us ki bebasi pe, akelepan pe.. sikandar aur us k khuwaboon pe, us ki beinteha mohabbat per aur un sare gulaboon per jo sikandar us k liye lata tha..aur lata rehta agar zinda rehta to…

iss baat per k ab chahe jitni b barish ho jaye, us ka mann sehraab nhi ho ga kabhi..

Rootey rootey us ne sar utha k apni shadi ki tasweer ko dekha… ghere surkh lehenge men who sharmai sharmai si sikandar k pehlo men khari bilkul kanch ki guria lag rahi thi aur sikandar.. off white sherwani mien us k personality mazeed bawaqar lag rahi thi. Halki si muskurahat k bawajood us ka dimple wazeh ho raha tha..

Tasweer ka manzar xinda ho k us k samne aa gaya.. jab who parlor se studio pohanchi photoshoot k liye to garri ka darwaza sikandar ne khola.

Sikandar pe nazar perte hi kaise us ka dil dhak se reh gaya tha aur hatheelian bheeg gai theen… us ki confusion per sikandar khul k hansa tha. aur maxeed confuse hote huwe us ne sikandar ko kitne alqabaat se nawaza tha..

Aur phir poore photoshoot k doran who confused hi rahi.aur sikandar ne us ki confusion ko jitna enjoy kia tha , us ka para utna high ho raha tha. upper se photographer ki athkhailian dekh k maxxed us ka ghusse se bura haal ho ra tha.

‘ap madam please sir k shoulder per hath rakhien aur side per dekhien aur sir ap please zara aaise pose karien jaise ap madam se kuch keh rahe hain’ photographer ki chehekti hoi awaz pe us ne saari sharam ko bhool k ghuse se upper dekha.

 ‘What? Men aaisa koi pose nhi bana rahi. Ap please zara decent photshoot karien’  us ne khafgi se sikandar ki taraf dekh k kaha.

‘madam please, yeh pictures yadgaar hon g. sir ap please madam ko manien’ photographer kuch xiada hi professional tha shyd.

‘aa jien maa’am.. let me be honoured please’ sikandar ne araam se ussey kaha. Chair se apna lehenga sambhalti who uthi to sikandar ne araam se us ka hath tham lia. Photographer ki manhos shakal zeher lag rahi thi.

Sikandar thora sa us k chehre ki janib jhuka tha..

“mien kirnoon ki kaliyan chun ker saij bana loon ga

Tum mukhre ka chand jalao, raat roshan karo”

Bijli iss qadar zor se karkii k ik lamhe ko har cheez roshni men naha gai likkin chand lamhoon baad jiss zor se badal garjey, us ki adhi rroh fana kerne ko kaffi they…

Hameesha se uss badaloon ki garaj se dar lagta tha. bachpan se le k shadi se pehle tak who hameesha barsaat men ami ki god men chup jati thi. Aur jab university men aii to barish shuru hote hi abu ussey leene aa jate they..

‘mujhe pata hota hai k meri beti darr rahi ho g… men us k pass hona chata hun us lamhe se pehle jab who khud ko akela samjhe’

‘Baba please jaldi aien…’ who tarap tarap k roo rahi thi.. andhere men us ka dam ghutt raha tha. ‘ajj meri xindagi ki sab se bhiyanak raat hai aur men kitni akeli hun.. ’

Apne kamre mien ussi halat men baithey najane kitna waqt guxra tha.. ghantii ki taiz awaz pe us ne darr k sar uthaya… ab musalsal doorbell baj rahi rhi … ‘Abu’ ik siski us k laboon se azzad hoi.. bhagte huwe who gate ki taraf gai, slippers k baghair nangey paoon.. barish ab b zoroon pe thi, gate tak pohanchte pohanchte wh mukamal bheeg chuki thi. Bina pooche us ne gate khol dia.

Abu ko dekhte hi us ka raha saha hosla b toot gaya. Abu k galley lag k who betahasha roo rahi rhi..

Abu us ko tham k pyar se andar laye.. musalsal us k baal sehlate huwe abu us ko dunia Jahan ki tasallian de rahe they..

‘na roo mera beta.. sab theek ho ga’

Per who janti thi… us k dil ne us ko bata dia tha k koi rescue operation sikandar ko us k pass nhi la sakta.. sikandar has moved on..

Aur phr agle kai din tak roz who rescue operation ki khabrien sunti rahi. Sikandar k waledain Saudi Arabia se aa gaye they. Ussey khoob dhair sara pyar kia. Who un k bête ki dhulhan thi. 7 mah ki dhulhan.

Packing kerte huwe who har ik minute k baad roti rahi.. har cheex se itni yaadien wabasta then k ansoo na bahana namumkin tha. sab se akhir men us ne sikandar ka personal drawer khola. Iss drawer ki chabbi hameesha se ussi k pass thi magar us ne kabhi khola nhi tha. who janti thi k sikandar ki personal cheexien then us men. Drawer mien hasb e tawaqu kaghzaat they, kuch tasweerien, dostoon k khat aur sab se akhir men ik  diary…

us ne sari cheexien nikal leen. Diary ko khol k dekha to har date k sath entries then. Us ko hairat hoi kiun k us ne kabhi sikandar ko diary likhte huwe nhi dekha tha..

pehli entry un ki shadi k din ki thi… ‘ajj who meri hai.. finally’ aur phir apna aur us ka naam .. ik sath..!

ik bhegi woi muskarat us k laboon pe aa gai..

aur phir ik k baad ik entry.. us k bare men.. us ki batien, us ki shararatien, jumle, kaproon ka rang aur us ki chooriun ki tareefien.. us ki zidd aur us ki jhagre..

yeh talkh talk sa lehja, yeh taiz taiz c baat

mizaj e yaar ka alam sharab jaisa hai..

aur bohat jaghun per mustaqbil ki baatien, siachin jane ki baat, wahan se wapsi ka plan.. aur bachun ki planning…

aur akhri entry siachin jate huwe… ghar se nikalte huwe akhri lafz .. us k naam k sath..

Hijr ki ik lambi manzil ko jane wala hoon mien

Apni yadoon k kuch saaye mere sath karo

Aur phir who wapis lahore aa gai.. sirf 7 maheene baad, sikandar us ki xindagi se yun nikal gaya jaise kabhi aya hi nhi tha. us ka roona, bilakna, cheekhna, pagalpan, deewangi sab beekar tha.. he was not coming back.

Aur phir us ne chor dia…  beshak us ne sabar nhi kia tha , apni marzi se nhi kia tha.. majbooran kerna para tha kiun k us k bus men aur kuch tha hi nhi…

Waqt guxar ra tha .. ab b katt raha hai.. kabhi koi thandi hawa ka jhonka us k chehre se takrata hai to beikhtiyar usey sikandar ka khyl ata hai.. yeh hawa ussey b chuu k aii ho g..

Sikandar ki yaad se us ka wajood har waqt moatar rehta hai..

Xindagi men who kia kare g, aney wala kal kaisa ho ga.. yeh who nhi janti…

Who jogan nhi hai, aur shyd apne borhe maa baap k samne apni zidd ki deewar b na kharri ker sakkey g, sikandar k liye koi jung b na larr sakkey g …
per ik baat to teh hai k zindagi k har morr per sikander us k sath rahne wala hai …  chahe woh jahann b rahe, jiss k sath b rahe.. sikandar us ki dil ki basti mien khilne wala pehla phool tha, aur us ka rang tahayat laho se surkh rehna hai...

3rd feb, 2012 … the day you slipped away...

Yahan sab kuch hai Maa phr bi.. laage bin tere mujh ko akela…

Staring outside my hostel window, I felt no happiness. I had finally achieved what I dreamt of, what I wanted in life but still I couldn't feel the happiness and the excitement that should have been there…

I was feeling less.

February winds were sending everyone around into shivering but me? I stood on that naked cemented floor bare footed and not felt a thing. And suddenly I grabbed the railing and a flood of tears sprang out of my eyes and I cried uncontrollably. I had lost too much, the pain was too immense to bear. Nothing can ever give me solace.

I couldn’t believe that I had lost her and there was no one in that house now waiting for me to come. Just 3 days back I was there with her. I wanted to be with her  in that moment again.

                  Kaise bataoon Maa kahan hun men,

                  yahan urne ko mere khula asmaa hai..

                 tere kissoon k jaisa bhoola saloona jahan hai

                 sapnoon wala ……….

22 years fled by like 22 seconds. I felt deprived. There wasn’t enough time, I still had many many unsaid things.

There were laughs that I had to share and tears I wanted to shed. And I still had many more hugs due on her. “I didn’t get my full of love. Unfair!”

I am going away and I need prayers … my life jus began you cant leave me now..

All through my childhood I had the fear of loosing her. I used to wake up at night to check on her. I was afraid of waking up one day to find her gone. But with every passing day my fears subsided, and I relaxed. And now... Now when I was dead sure that you are here to stay.. Till the end, u left... Right in the middle of it.

Even now when I am crying, my heart tells me that u are sleeping in your bed.. Peacefully… that I am gonna meet you tomorrow.

‘ Assalam o alikum Zainab aii hai”

I feel your touch on my hands and your kiss on my cheeks.  I can’t loose it for forever..

I had a share in everything… even in the last two apples you had. But I could never share your pain and your misery and your loneliness.  I could never be a good daughter...

I am so sorry.. for all those times I refused to go to you. Sorry for not calling you every day. I didn’t know you’ll leave me one day and I’ll beg for your sight all my life.

I know my tears are not going to bring you back but I can’t help it. I love you so much it hurts.

I took promises... ‘mujhse wada karien ap kabhi nhi jaien g’

And whenever I used to hear about someone’s death, I would go hug her and say ‘ nano ap kabhi na marna’

All in good humor of course but my heart always fluttered with fear.

I didn’t loose you, I lost a part of me… one part of me keeps thinking about you.. your laugh and your voice rings in my ears and your embrace round me, and your beautiful hands, your eyes that were so like my own and your feet…

I want to sit in your feet again... and rub them... Like you liked.. And I want to lie down beside you. And I want you call me again... ‘ZAMBA’

Nobody is ever going to love me like that… nobody will ever connect to me again.  Nobody will ever wait like you did Nano... I am going to miss everything for the rest of my life.

And I will long for you sight, your touch, your love …

And our midnight noodle feast… I hated them…

I lost that house … I lost all my bonds... I lost everything the day u went away.

I cannot think about stepping into that house again where I know you are not waiting for me…

Every memory stings me... every sec I miss you more than before.

Time heals every wound but I can see time standing helpless... Unable to heal my wound. This one will always bleed….

You let go … I know... it was getting difficult for all of us.

I can never get out that trance of your last look. Your unshed tears. I knew, I swear …

 ‘ ik to app logoon ko rona bohat ata hai’  .. 

I didn’t cry... u didn’t want me to but I cant take this pain ne more..

U wanted to see faheema... I hope she comes back...Just for once… our trio... she knows my pain and I know hers..

I am so selfish… I knew you were suffering.. I knew u were in pain but I still wanted you to stay. I still wish you were here.

Every breath reminds me that m living without you.  

I am still alive...I talk and eat and sleep and go on with life... without you..

But there are too many memories of you to ever forget you…

I was such a fool.. I never thought that one day you will go too .. just like all the other people.

Nothing makes me happy.. Nano ji, I thought you don’t know but I now know that you did know.. Everything and u understood and you held us.

I leaned on you and now m stumbling… every footstep I think of you.

I have a key of your house... But now that my treasure is buried, m going to return it….

I hope you are well placed in Paradise. And have Noor in your grave and have good people to keep you company and I hope you have met Nana abu, already.

Amen…

Bring back what once was mine...

‘Arfa Karim is hospitalized’ this one liner sent me into a shock.

And truly speaking at first I never thought it to be very serious because after all, Arfa was just 16. I mean, how wrong could a 16 year old’s young body go? I had no idea, at what length did it go..

Just as 4 years ago, I had no idea how serious Nema was,. This was somewhat similar situation.

As soon as the reality of Arfa’s serious ailment settled in, my mind started playing tricks on me. It was Nema all over again.

Hospital, machines, drips, beep beep and pretty eyes closed shut.

I watched in amazement as Arfa’s features turned into Nema’s.

The moment Arfa’s father started calling her to wake up, I could hear voices from my past too. Young girls crowded outside ICU, tears swimming in their eyes … and the intense look on their faces, like they were literally catching at straws.. 

I remember myself almost running up to the doctor on duty : ‘ will Nema be alright? Please say yes’

He never said yes.

My cell phone rang and I was jolted back into reality. Some random friend…

10^th May, 2008 : I remember it to be a very bright and sunny Sunday morning. I was wearing an orange shirt, i remember it all too clearly. And at 10 o’clock my cell phone had rung. Nafeesa was on the line “Jaldi aao. Nema is in hospital. She has been shot.”

I was so unable to extract meaning from those simple sentences. Shot? Has Nafeesa lost it.. I mean come on is she actually talking about Nema? OUR Nema? Our FRIEND Nema?

I rushed to the hospital and I got all the answers when I saw her. Pretty as ever, delicate and petite lying on that white bed with machines all around. “ Nema ki bachi tum ne mera Sunday kharab ker dia”

And she smiled.

One by one all of us gathered. All of us who took admission in school  together in nursery and left after completing 12th grade one year back to set out on new journeys. We had made many promises to meet again and here we were. A reunion in a hospital corridor with tear streaked faces.

10 days felt like 10 long years.. unlimited prayers were offered. Each moment but fate had something else in store for us.

We all wanted to know who would make the first bride of our batch, we never for once gave a thought to the 1^st funeral of our batch.

She was taken to PIMS but not a single effort could buy her more time.

I still remember that dark, stark night. No moon glittered in the sky that night and no stars shone. They all mourned Nema. And my scattered sisters in soul all over Abbottabad were shattered that night. I couldn’t believe my eyes when I read Hanaa’s message and I couldn't believe my ears when Zainab called me. All I know is that my heart was being ripped apart. I cried as much and as hard as possible. All through the night and for many many coming nights.

Every night I wished this was a dream and every morning I realized that it wasn’t.

4 years have given us patience. We still remember Nema but with more love than sorrow.

But Arfa karim, you once again unearthed our deep wounds.

Your gold medals remind me of Nema’s distinctions and her admission in AMC.

She was to become a doctor. Doctor Nema Khattak.

Like you Arfa, she had many dreams to cherish.

And like you Arfa, Nema is going to stay in our hearts.

Alive and happy… forever!