the bitter truth!

‘the beautiful green meadows , a spring, pretty flowers everywhere… and look at me, wearing this white dress, looking like a princess. Walking down the lanes I see happy faces all around. Cheers and that sweet song of happiness. The sun is shining so bright. The trees are laden with fruit and the refreshing breeze … I am so happy right now. Life is so beautiful, so worthwhile.. and I am so loved…

‘WAKE UP YOU FILTHY WHORE.’ It hardly took me 2 seconds to snap out of that dream startled by the harsh tone of the lady who happens to be my mother. It is 4 o’ clock in the morning. ‘5 more minutes’ my sleepy head pleads. But I am wiser enough to ignore the voice.

I am, now, used to the changed tone and there isn’t much I can do except getting adjusted. I have to spend the rest of my life here.

Why? You ask me. Well, because I have no hope of leading a better life than this.

May be because I am a rape victim?

Life wasn’t this ugly all along. Difficult yes, but not ugly.

I come from a lower middle class family where girls are thought of as ‘expenditure’.

I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers and my father is a clerk. I live in a small house.

I have always been a daydreamer. I thought of all the good things to do daily that would decrease the prevailing tension in my small world. I hated the grim atmosphere, the dirty walls that looked even more black when everyday my mother would wail about the unfairness of God.

I wanted to have more colors in my life, I wanted to replace the usual grey with brighter shades of pink, orange and red.

In school I used to envy the girls who seemed to have no problems. Who would laugh loudly to express their joys and who would chatter all day, retelling the happenings of yesterday or in general.

I never had a friend in my life. I have always been a very submissive person. Quiet, shy and an introvert.

The cruelty of life made sure that I gain no confidence and thus, I would always stand at bay and just stare.

3 years back, I came to know a guy. It was a hot summer day and I was walking back from college, drenched in sweat. My throat was dry as sand and I longed for a sip of water for my house was quite at distance. I stopped at a shop, the street was deserted so was the shop. I waited for someone to come and all of a sudden someone appeared from behind and asked ‘may I help you?’

He caught me by surprised and even though I tried but I could not kill the sudden shrill shriek that escaped my throat. It took me a good few seconds to regain my senses and ask for a glass of water.

He stared at me intensely as I drank and even after I walked away. I could feel his eyes boring into my back. I hurried towards home.

Soon after that, I started spotting him. He was tall and dark. His eyes were dark and very intense just opposite to his smile which was mild and reassuring.

Every time I saw him, I felt myself growing fond of him. I tried to remind myself that I am not allowed to think like this and this is unethical.

For the first time in my life, I felt good about something. I would keep on thinking about him for hours and all of a sudden everything looked new to me. all the problems that seemed unbearable before, were not a big deal anymore.

 I would gladly do all the chores without complaining at all.

One day, as I was walking back from college, he started following me and on a deserted road, he called me then took me by hand and told me how I have given him many sleepless nights and he can’t take it anymore. He told me that he loves me. I believed him with all my heart.

6 months passed. We secretly met and talked like I hadn’t talked to anyone in my life. He was the person whom I trusted more than myself. He loved me, respected me. made me laugh and we dreamt of a beautiful life together.

As the time passed, he grew impatient. I told him to bring his parents and he promised me that he would do that.

It was October by then. My last days at college and after that I had no alibis left to go see him. I was desperate to meet him for the last time. he tooK me to a deserted house and he...

I was shocked to see the actual picture. I was dumbfounded. I couldnt even make noise. I remember my breath stuck in my throat as I saw in disbelief whatever was happening. All through those hours I was quite. I wonder why my heart never stopped. I spoke to God, I asked him … why did he do this to me?

He knew me; he knew the life I was living. He knew that I was an unwanted child and I had no good to hang onto. He knew that I longed for love. I made a mistake probably but did I really deserve this punishment? I lay on the floor of an abandoned house for I don’t know how long. I had no idea when that beast left. Night fell, I was hurt. Too hurt to stand up or think. A veil of tears blocked my view. I wanted to die.

Suddenly the door creaked open. My heart fluttered with fear but I had no strength to get up so I shut my eyes tightly. Familiar voices hit my ears and my heart soared with pleasure. My family, they found me at last. I wanted to rush towards them and hug them tightly. I wanted to tell my brothers how the person I gave my heart to betrayed me. How he looted me off my pride. I wanted to hide in my mothers lap. I wanted my father’s strong hands to hold me.

Less than a minute after I heard the voices, I was getting beaten up brutally. I saw my brother’s anguished face and I saw my youngest brother abusing me. My father was urging my brother to kill me at the spot. I had done an irreversible damage.

There was so much pain inside and outside my being. So much ache in my heart… I was pain personified at that moment.

Everything went black at last.

When I reopened my eyes, I saw blurred face of my mother.

She gave me a look of pure hate. Her words were even more poisonous “I don’t want my sons to go to jail because of a whore like you. I wish you just die at this moment and face God’s wrath. you are like a punishment to us”

And my new life began. Every second after that moment I have been treated worse than an animal.

Every day before going to sleep I ask for forgiveness from ALLAH and every day I secretly wish to see some mercy in my family’s eyes. But that day hasn’t come and isn’t likely to come in this lifetime.

I am a victim of brutality, used by the powerful son of Adam, and thrown to bear the consequences of a sin I didn’t commit.

Don’t feel pity for me, I am content with my fate now. I have, in my heart agreed that yes I was born to serve the better gender and I deserve to be treated like this. I have faith in the creator that he has punished me for something. Of course, the inhuman treatment I get from the people who know for the last 23 years shows that it’s me who is at fault. So many people cannot be wrong at a time.

What did you say? I shouldn’t have a negative approach and should anticipate well?

I will… if I don’t get beaten up by my brothers for giving someone a chance.

If I don’t have to bear the loathing eyes of my father many times a day

If I don’t have to hear the horrendous comments other people have to make

And above all, if I don’t listen to my own mother praying for me to die.

I am dead. I am only breathing and that is not the same as living… what do u think?

I think i should commit suicide but deep inside my heart, I have a dying hope and a dream attached to it…

A dream of a better life… someday… here or hereafter.

Ammi :*

this post is SPECIALLY for my mother! people think that we dont get along and we have thousand rows per day but watever be the case... Mother! u r the ultimate! epic .. u r the one, lady... the one!
m adding this additional note because i feel i still can write A LOT about her.. i cant never stop! and the original blog is just as i wrote it the first time.. emotional, touchy, senti.. not making sense!

Kitna bura laga mujhe maa yeh sunna k tum beemar ho.. mujhe nano yaad aa gaen.. who waqt yaad aa gaya.. who lamha jo thehr gaya tha.. who alfaz jo abhi tak khuram mamoo k kamre men goonjh rahe hoon gey .. aur mera chup k rona.. pata nhi nanoo ko pata challa ho ga aur who jan bojh k avoid ker rahi hoon g ya shyd who itni takleef men theen k un ko nhi pata challa.. agar pata chalta to who poochteen mujhse.. jaise tum poochti ho.. hameesha, har baar!

Kabhi ap ko b pata chale ga k un beeshumar laraiyun aur khafgiyun k peeche bohat dhair sari mohabbat hai maa.. aur us mohabaat k sath bohat sara qarz hai maa… tumari mehnat aur mohabbat ka, ansoun ka, muskurahatoon ka, be neend k guzri un raatun ka, pareeshani men katey ik ik pal ka, hazaroon duaoon ka aur tumare kanoon men paari un baaliun ka maa jo ab najane kahan hoon g… 

Maa kabhi jo tum se rooth jaun to neend nhi aati .. aur khush rehna chahun tum se rooth k to dil murjha jata hai..

Maa meri ankhoon men bohat se ansoo tumare naam k hain..

Aur meri zaat k 99 hisey tumare hain..

Maa tum meri zaat ki takmeel ho..

Mujhe qayamat k din tumare naam se pukare jana hai, tum mera fakhar ho..

Men jo  baat baat pe itne maan se rooth jati hun maa us men b tumari mohabbat ka qasoor hai..

Kiun aaise bighar dia mujhe maa k ab kissi ki chahat achi nhi lagti?

iss dil ko koi aur raas nhi ata k tumare ilawa kissi aur ka ho jaye.

Kissi tehreer men rabt zaroori hota ho ga maa likin tumare liye likhe gaye in be tarteeb jumloon men bohat lazaat hai ..

Bus itni guzarish hai maa, k kabhi mujhe judai  ka dukh nhi dena..

Tumari zaat k ghane shajar k bina mera natawaan wajood miitti men mil jaye ga..

Tum se mere sare hosle hain, sari himmat aur azm b..

Aabhi bohat waqt hai maa.. us waqt ko khona mat..

Abhi to bahar ne pehli dastak di hai.. ab to poori tarhan darwaza khola b nhi..

Abhi to jee lene ko bohat se lamhe hamare muntazir hain

Abi to muje tumare wajood ki khusboo se apni sans mehkani hai

Abhi to mujhe tumare piyale se bohat sa sabr peena hai maa

Aur hayaat ki iss taweel shab men mujhe tumari baatun k jugnoo chunne hain…

Abhi mera haath mat chorna maa…

Abhi to men tumare bina kuch nhi..

Tumara anchal choot gaya maa to iss bheer men kho jaun g..

Mujhe khone mat dena ma..

Abhi nhi…

That kutta person!

this blog is specially dedicated to that one kutta person we all know in our lives ! and in case some foreigner is reading and wondering what is a 'kutta person' so guys m actually referring to 'the one asshole we all know'

the specialty of that kutta person is that he is ALWAYS uninvited in our lives and nobody would give a flying shit to him but still confident as he is .. he will walk straight into our personal lives and make himself comfortable.

Urgh! right now m thinking about the kutta person in my life and its making me CRINGE my teeth! i wish i could smash his face! i would love to hear the crack of his broken bones and a bonus if you punch him square in his jaw! here.. now m pricing his dirty head.. woww..

but hey, its not my fault.. he is asking for it. i am sure all of you would agree with me on this one. the kutta person in our lives is always asking for a punch or two.

too bad m not a guy. so all i can offer is a load full of @##$%%^&&****(())&^%$##@!!@#$%%^&.... *phew*

this sort of douche bags make me want to become a psychologists so i can at least deal with the first half of the profession better.. psychos!

hypnotize one of the lot and see what kind of shit is stuffed inside his damn head which gives him such shitty ideas!

and another of the spooky words that the kutta person loves to use ... threats! i thought its a serious word until i met the kutta person of my life. he made a total joke out of the word! Hahahahahahaha! here my dear kutta person.. happy now?

the most irritating part is the change this kutta person brings in you... u just cannot seem to stop blabbering about him. calling him names, cursing him, swearing, abusing, fuming, going crazy!

although i would love to write on the specifications of this particular kutta person . too bad i cannot bcx of some restrictions but here the hint: "if i cant stand one thing, dats a dirtbag in a uniform"
now if u hv enuf brains, you will know.... *ahem*

Seriously guys.. all of you! if you are planning to be a creep and spoil someone's perfectly happy life with your presence.. STOP! take my word and drop the idea.

Its just the quickest and the best way to loose respect and gain hateful attention.

and with the kind of disasters we see in the world everyday.. dats the last thing we want on the planet.. PEOPLE turn into living disasters!
have mercy!

Shut the front door on the kutta person! pay him a damn. dont think twice about him. and take a deep breath!
i know I should be the one doing this because i just realized that i have produced a whole blog blabbering about the kutta person!

m gonna zip it now...
but sesly ... OK! sssssssssssshhhhh!!!

All we have is.. now!

Music was blasting.. full on..

*radha teri chunri .. ohh radha tera challa…oh radha….*

 There were 5 girls in the room, crowding it, bumping into one another while trying to get ready, voices mingling with the lyrics and coming out as noise..

  ‘ where is your mascara samreen?” as I turned around ,

irum shouted “DON’T LOOK HERE!!”

‘jeez! I wasn’t!’ I searched frantically for mascara until I saw samia standing in the corner with mirror in one hand and ….

“ samia I was LOOKING for this!” I shouted from across the room.

‘ oh what? Aah.. this?  Here.. m done” she smiled and stepped forward to hand me over the mascara.

“you are stepping on my sandal!!” dat was Namrah.

“its 4:30 already. Get ready we have to get back to hostel by 9” As usual Irum had the sense to shake us.

And hurrying off to the stairs, we 5 headed to the market for a shopping spree!

After a lot of bickering with the taxi wala we all loaded into it.. how I LOVE going to shopping with friends. Getting out at Jinnah super, we all head for nowhere :D

That’s the best thing about us. We all have zero idea where to go and we are all revising the things we have to buy and asking one another “ yaar jana kahan hai?”

So we see the first shop open and enter it.. shoes!

This. This .. this .. this? No….. 

Next shop.

‘Guys, I have to buy a jeans’ that’s me.

Ok! Let’s go find a pair of jeans..

 From one shop to another… and finally!

‘ I have to buy maria some shoes’ dats samreen.

Now, now Finding a smart pair of shoes for a 3 month old is not easy.

But committed as we are.. looking and searching we entered Stylo..

We: ‘chote bachun k shoes hain?’

Shopkeeper: ‘je hain’

We: ‘dekhaien’

Shopkeeper: ‘bache ki age?’

We: ‘3 months’

Shopkeeper: ‘nhi je range ik saal se shuru hoti hai”

We: ‘kiun?  Us se chotey bachoon ko shoes pehene ka koi haq nhi hai’

Shopkeeper: ‘stylo unko yeh haq nhi deta’

 Very smart!

We: ‘ayaa wadda!”

Huh..

And finally! At one shop we saw the cutest collection of baby shoes. And just as we were confused between a pink buttoned and blue bowed pair I saw them..

Red!

And I wanted them as soon as I saw them! I did try out that blue one to throw samia and irum off ! :D

Red is so my color this winter.

Just as the sky went dark.. every light flickered on.. the feeling of ‘awaragardi’ was awesome.

Ohh ya btw! We encountered a Chinese delegation in a shop where my friends were busy buying a green eye pencil..

I was waiting for them when I noticed that the chacha standing beside me is holding a gun!

Me:’ samia yeh dekho’

Guess I was very loud because the next moment everyone was staring at my finger which was pointing towards the rifle.

We: ‘chacha yeh chalti hai?’

Chacha must have considered himself a hero at that moment : ‘je’

We : ‘chacha asley ki numaish per pabandi hai’

Chacha: ‘yeh delegation k sath security k liye hai’

We: ‘ acha.. yani cheeniyun k liye security aur pakistaniyo k liye kuch nahi?’

And at this point the Pakistani guy with the Chinese delegation intruded our conversation with a smile.

We: ‘ jab hum china jaen gey to kia bandooq wala hamare sath b ho ga?’

*smiles*

We : ‘ cheeniyoon ko pata nhi hai k Pakistan men bandooq sirf  goli marne wale ki chalti hai”

*smiles*

We: ‘ blah blah blah’

Irum: ‘shut up now! Let’s go’

We: K

And in the end.. we all sat on stairs with our packets of French fries and stared at the road..

That pale light from the street lights, empty road, chill in the air and peace on the faces of the people…

And there we were.. together..

Me: ‘ who knew we’d be together here one day’

Irum : ‘ its funny how we meet strangers and make frnds’

Namrah: ‘ u mean best friends?’

Samia: ‘ another six months and we are gone!’

Samreen: ‘ lets just not remember that. Six months is a long time.’

Me: ‘ ya .. what matters is now’

Irum: ‘ and ryt now we are together!’

Samia: ‘ and that's the best damn thing’

Namrah: ‘ and even when we wont be together .. we will look back and smile’

WE: ‘ALWAYS’

And we stood up to walk our way back to the hostel…

In life, we cross paths with many people… some we like, some we don’t.. some become special.. some not.. but every person leaves a mark on you..

Try to be a nice mark on someone’s life!

توہین ِرسالت۔۔

انگریزوں نے ایک فلم بنا کر تمام امت کے جذبات کو مجروح کیا۔ اس سلسلے میں ۵۶ مسلم ممالک میں شدید احتجاج ہوا اور ہو رہا ہے۔ پاکستان کی اٹھارہ کروڑ عوام سڑکوں پر نکل آئی۔ شدید نعرے بازی، مظایرے کیے گئے۔ توڑ پھوڑ کی گئ اور ملکی املاک کو نقصان پہنچایا گیا۔

 کیوں؟

اس لیئے کیونکہ ھم بہت باغیرت قوم ہیں۔

اپنے نبیﷺ سے بہت عقیدت رکھتے ہیں۔ ان کی حرمت پر کوئی انگلی اٹھائے یہ ھمیں گوارا نہیں۔

اپنے مچلتے جذبات کو ایک منٹ کے لیئے لگام دیں، جس عقل کو

چلتا کر رکھا ہے اس کا دامن تھامیں، کچھ ہوش کے ناخن لیں اور تھنڈے دماغ سے سوچیں۔ کیا یہ سب اس مسئلے کا دانشوارانہ حل ہے؟ اگر تو جواب ہاں ہے تو معذرت کے ساتھ اس ناقص عقل کو چلتا ہی کریں۔

وگرنہ بات کی گہرائی میں اتریں۔ معاملے کی پڑتال کریں اور پھر نہ صرف رائے قائم کریں بلکہ اس پر بخوشی عمل درآمد بھی کریں۔

بات اگر شروع سے شروع کی جائے تو مناسب ہے۔

یہ خبر سننے کے بعد آپ کا فوری تاثر کیا تھا؟ کیا میں یا آپ شدید دکھ میں مبتلا ہو گئے؟ کیا ھم نے فوری طور پر اپنے کسی دوست کو بتایا؟ کیا ھم صدمے سے کچھ دیر کو ہی سہی گنگ ہو گئے؟ کیا یہ خبر سن کر ھماری آنکھ سے ایک بھی آنسو ٹپکا؟ کیا اس حادثے سے ھماری روزمرہ زندگی پر کوئی اثر ہوا؟

ان سب باتوں کا جواب نفی میں ہے۔ ھم سب کو معلوم ہے۔

جناب عالی، سو باتوں کی ایک بات یہ ہے کہ ھماری سمت غلط ہے اگر کوئی سمت ہے تو۔۔۔

اللہ نے قرآن میں کئی اقوام کا ذکر فرمایا ھے اور ساتھ تباہی کے اسباب بھی بتا دیے۔ ھماری قوم نے وہ اسباب پڑھے اور بلا کم و کاست اپنا لیے۔  اب کیا ھم اللہ کا راستہ چھوڑ کر گمراہوں کا راستہ، شیطان کا راستہ اپنایئں تو ھمیں سزا کے حقدار نہیں؟ ابلیس کے ایک انکار کو شرماتے ہوئے ھم ہر روز پانچ مرتبہ سجدے سے انکار کریں تو کیا اللہ کو ھمیں معاف کر دینا چایئے؟  

اسم محمدﷺ کو لکھنا اور چومنا تو دور کی بات ھم تو نام محمدﷺ کوہی بھلا بیٹھے ہیں۔ ھماری کاروباری، سماجی، معاشی اور معاشرتی زندگی میں کہاں گزر ہے اسلام اور شریعت کا؟ اپنی عام زندگی میں ھمیں دھوکا دینے کی اتنی عادت پو گئی ہے کہ اب ھم اللہ کو بھی دھوکا دینے کی کوشش میں مصروف نظر آتے ہیں۔

جھوٹے وعدوں سے، نعروِں سے، دعووں سے۔۔ ایک نظر ھم خود پر ڈالتے ہیں۔ کیا واقعی اللہ اپنے محبوبﷺ کی ناموس ھماری تحویل میں دے گا؟ کیا واقعی اللہ تعالی‘ اس سرکش قوم کو اپنا والی بنائے گا؟ بھلے محمدﷺ نے ‘یا امتی، یا امتی’ پکارا ہو، کیا ھم نے خود کو اہل ثابت کیا؟ کیوں غیروں کا ہاتھ ھمارے گریبان تک پہنچا تو ہوش آیا؟ کیا آج سے پہلے تک امت محمدﷺ کا یہ کام نہ تھا کہ اپنا قلعہ مضبوط کرتے؟

مان لیا کہ اس وقت غلطی ہوئی مگر اب اس غلطی کا ازالہ کون کرے گا؟ کیا ٱپ کے یا میرے پاس وقت ہے کہ اپنی زندگیوں کا جائزہ لیں؟ یہ دیکھیں کہ سدھرنے کا عمل کہاں سے شروع ہونا چایئے۔ کیا اب وقت نہیں کہ تیل کے کنووں کے ساتھ رہن رکھی غیرت واپس لے لی جائے؟

اب نہیں تو آخر کب ھم حشر کے اس میدان کا سوچیں گے جہاں کوئی کسی کا بوجھ نہ اٹھا سکے گا۔ اتنے زپادہ گناہ کیسے اٹھا پایئں گے، کیسے اتنا حساب چکا پایئں گے؟ اس دن جب سورج سوا نیزے پر ہو گا، عرش الہی کے سوا کویی سایہ نہ ہو گا، ایک دن ہزار ایام کر برابر ہو گا، اور جب صرف انصاف کی بات ہو گی۔ ہر چیز ترازو میں تولی جائے گی، اس دن ہر کلمہ گو کو صرف ایک ھی ہستی کے سجدے کا آسرا ہو گا۔ لیکن اس گھڑی میں جب اعمال نامہ ہاتھ میں ہو گا اور بندۂ خدا ہر جھوٹ سے بالاتر ہو گا تو کیا اپنی اندر اتنی ہمت پائے گا کہ رسول۔خداﷺ سے شفاعت کی بھیک مانگ سکے؟

یہ تمام اقدامات عارضی ہیں۔ کچھ عرصے کے لیئے یوٹیوب پر پابندی، ایک دو دن ہڑتال، جمعے کے روز چھٹی، فیس بک پر مزحمتی جملے اور بس؟ عملی زندگی میں تبدیلی کہاں ہے؟ یہ وہ ایمان کا ٱخری درجہ نہیں ہے۔ یہ ھماری کمزوری ہے۔

اگر دشمن پر وار کرنا ہے تو ٹھیک سے کرو۔

HIT WHERE IT HURTS THE MOST!

پہلے جان لو کہ جس کے عاشق ہونے کا دعوا پے، وہ ہستی یے کون؟ اسکول میں پڑھی ہوئی اسلامیات کی کتاب کے علاوہ کتنا جانتے ہیں ھم نبیﷺ کو؟ان کی تعلیمات کو؟ ان کی زندگی کو؟ ان کی سنت اور احکامات کو؟

یہ وقت ذمین و ٱسمان پر بھاری یے۔ محبوب اللہ کے گنہگار سرعام گستاخی میں مصروف ہیں اور کوئی مسلم ریاست اس تماشے کو روک نہیں پا رہی۔ اس وقت اگر کوئی چیز مسلمانوں کو عتاب الہی سے بچا سکتی ہے تو وہ توبہ ہے۔ معافی اور امت مسلمہ کی یکجہتی۔ ابھی مہلت کے کچھ پل باقی ہیں۔ ابھی ٱخری دروازہ بند نہیں ہوا۔ تقدیر ابھی ھمارے ٱخری فیصلے کی منتظر ہے۔۔۔۔

ایک ہوں مسلم حرم کی پاسبانی کے لیئے

نیل کے ساحل سے لے کے تابخاکِ کاشغر

sssshhh!

‘write’

‘think’

‘do something’

I have been urging myself for so long now but all in vain.its not that I have nothing to write. I am still full of words and stories but I don’t have any strength left to write even when I want to. There are so many things I want to say to so many people but its as if my lips are sealed.

I know I am not writing anything worthy here but I don’t care anymore. I am facing a blind end in my life at the moment. May be I will get over this feeling in a day or two or may be this feeling will stay for a good long time, who knows.

There comes a time in your life when you all of a sudden don’t care. Your heart might still be bleeding over the pains of past or your mind might still be calculating the daily on goings but emotionally you feel dead.

For me, its stopping. Taking a break.

From the moment we step into society we are caught up in a race.

Run fast, faster faster…………….. until you drop dead.

That’s called race of life!

But really? Do we actually want this from our precious , only once given life?

Race…

What happened to the old concepts of contentment and peace of mind, Love and sincerity? Replaced by chanel, Gucci and Alexander McQueen?

Don’t answer! No matter how vigorously we deny this, the truth is that we all dream to have bigger homes, bigger cars, bigger bank balances…

We really don’t have enough TIME.
We have everything but no time to enjoy it, no time to stop and look around that who we are leaving behind, who feels what or whatever.

But is this all worth it?

Ask about me and I want to go back to older times. 
When people mattered the most in life.
When it was important not to break hearts and trusts.
When it wasn’t okay to leave behind your home and loved ones for money.

I want to be a part of that old non technical world where although people were not connected through telephones and internet but intuitions connected them.

I wish to go back to the era where I would have mattered for someone. 
Where people were NOT choices and options but precious beings.

I know this sounds like a piece of shit but it’s still better than feeling like one.

I don’t know when I will be back to my normal self but if you seriously ask me , I’d say “ Too bad we are not kids anymore where every wound would heal and everything would be forgotten. At this age, the damages are permanent!”

ان کہی۔۔۔۔

نانی ۔۔۔ لگتا ہے جیسے کل کی بات یو کہ میں تمھاری گود میں سر رکھے لیٹی تھی۔  شرارت سے تمھیں دیکھتی تو کبھی تم غصے تو کبھی پیار سے جواب دیتی۔  دیکھو کل کی بات تو ہے کہ میں گڑیا کی شادی کرتی اور تم سے کپڑے سلواتی تھی۔ نانی بچپن گزرے کتنی گھڑیاں بیتی ہوں گی؟ میں تمھارے نرم بستر پر کتنی دیر میٹھی نیند سوئی ہوں گی؟ نانی پلک جھپکتے دیکھو ھر منظر کیسے بدل گیا۔۔ میری گڑیا کہیں گم ہوئی، میرا بچپن کہیں کھو گیا۔ اور آنکھ کھلی تو لکڑی کا پلنگ تمھارے وجود  سے خالی پایا۔ تمھارے بدن سے روح کیا نکلی، ہر موسم اداس ہو گیا۔ ہر سو اک گہری چپ کا راج ہو گیا۔اب کے برس تو سرما میں آسمان نے بھی روئی کے گال زمیں پر اتارے مبادا بارش کی آواز خلل نہ ڈالے۔ اور چڑیا آنگن میں آئی بھی تو سر جھکاےٌ دانہ چگتی رہی گویا چہچہانا جانتی ہی نہ ہو۔ ویران کمروں میں بس سانسوں کی آوازیں اور اس فسوں کو توڑتی کوئی سسکی۔ کس قدر عجیب لگا اس دفعہ تمھارے ہاتھ کی روٹی کے بغیر روزہ رکھنا، جیسے بغیر نمک کے ہانڈی کھانا۔ اور عجیب تر ہیں یہ دن جو تمھیں دیکھے اور سنے بنا گزر رہے ہیں۔ تمھارا بوڑھا وجود ،دیکھنے میں کبھی کتنا بیکار لگتا تھا  مگر اس کی چھاؤں میں کتنی راحت تھی، شدید دھوپ میں جلتے بدنوں کو اب احساس ہوتا ہے۔

نانی مجھے اپنی گڑیا ، مٹی کے کھلونے اور آنگن کا پیڑ یاد آتا ہے۔

اپنی شرارت، تمھاری ڈانٹ اور آنکھوں کی نرمی یاد آتی ہے۔

اپنی شکایت اور تمھاری مسکان یاد آتی ہے۔

نانی مجھے اچھا نہیں لگتا تمھارے وجود سے خالی یہ چمن۔۔

نہ موسم پہلے سے ریے، نہ بہار۔۔

پھول بھی تو دیکھو جیسے زبردستی کھل ریے ہوں۔

    دنیا کی ترقی دیکھوں تو رشک آتا ہے، مگر کس کام کی؟ تم سے ملاقات کا سبب تو بس اب کوئی خواب ہی بنے۔

مگر قسمت بھی ہر دفعہ ساتھ کہاں دیتی ہے۔

کھلی آنکھیں بس ایک ہی خواب دیکھتی ہیں کہ جب بند آنکھیں کھلیں تو میں، تم، گڑیا اور آنگن ساتھ ہوں۔

eloquent speech...

I am wide awake and not sure why.  I should be sleeping but I have this weird headache that’s not letting me rest. Also I have this uncanny feeling that’s not letting me sleep.

My sister is sleeping right beside me but i can see how restless she is. It’s the weather I think. Humid, warm, sultry and everything seems to be closing in on you. The sweating, mosquitoes and insects add to the misery.

And with this entire itchy atmosphere, a person gets all pessimistic. An inundated flow of memories that are most of the time not very pleasant invade you and no matter how hard you try, your mood gets quirky.

At least this happens to me..  This strange weather reminds me of all my weaknesses, my flaws, my mistakes and when and where I have been so wrong in my life. all the times, when my little consideration would have saved me from so many miseries. A little courage on my part would have made my past more bearable, a clearer vision would hv saved me from going astray, a little more contempelation would have given me more to cherish about…

But the thing is that we cannot control our past neither can we bring it back or change it for good. Its done , if not dusted.

Admittedly, it does effect our present and somewhat our future but then again its never to late to make up for the past mistakes, take charge of things, turn a new leaf and decide in your head that ‘ok! Fromthis moment onwards, the game rules are changing and I AM THE BOSS’

Besides,  rather  than crying over the spilt milk why don’t we concentrate on the things we did right Afterall, You cant be all wrong all the time. Sometime, at some place you must have been right too even if for a small span of time.

Some decisions you made, from heart and not from your smart head must have given  you so many little things to be happy about.

Remember, those times when all your friends in the spur of the moment decided to bunk the usual routine and give yourself a little thrill?

Or  the awesome moment when you decided to make dinner for your family and ended up burning everything , serving bread and omlette afterwards?

Knowing your friends/family have arranged a ‘surprised’ bash for you and still you act all innocent and excited?

The births of your baby cousins and buying them little presents?

How the balloons that are bought over on birthday become so dear to you?

when you cancel your outing to study for a test because your mom loves your straight As?

And how you fell in love … and could never quiet meet the end…

I wish we would all learn to remember just the good things and discard the painful memories that are associated with life.

How could we fuss over all the failures of life and all the successes we never achieved?

Why not let go of all the things that have been haunting us since forever?

Let go of the fears that have been nourishing inside us.

I don’t know about people out there but right now I want to let go of everything.. Good and bad..Become void, empty, annulled, negated, cancelled, reduced to zero, nothing… and then re-emerge… like a phoenix.. Reborn from the ashes… clean, new, baptized.. 

I want to shut out the past which has made me impure, dirty, tainted, poisoned, judgmental about things, biased, cruel, spiteful, vindictive and mean!

I want to search for the person I was, the person I was meant to be… and realizing that it’s too difficult now to retrieve that being from heaps of dirt that have been layered upon the original, I prefer to be like phoenix then....

Difficult it may be but not impossible.. Besides its totally worth it..

What’s better a task than finding the real you, catch up with it and walk hand in hand down the lane!

SOUL SISTERS

I never thought that someday i 'd be dedicating a page of my blog to a piece of writing called 'sisters'.
lol.. probably because i have always taken them too forgranted to think about any such flashy act.
but here i am .. a writing written with loads of love and affection.
if someone would ask me to define the word 'sister' i'd say 'constant support and unnecessary pampering'. because to me, this is what sisterhood is all about.
i have always been a sort of person who would take pleasure in her own company, finding new ways to entertain myself, content with my solitude and turning it into an adventure. so everyone who has put up with me so far is an incredible person! 
and when i look at the list all i see, are my sisters =) both biological and non biological ;)
i know, this is a controversial statement but i dont expect many of you to understand this. so shut the 'make sense' gene and read this as it is ...
Abda and Misbah were born to the same mother as me so we have this biological thing here but please dont get fooled by this. this doesn't mean that we were best buddies from the nappy times. most of my life i have been tortured by Abda( who happens to b 4 years my elder) that i was brought to mom by a massi in a red basket . screw you for that!
it look a hell lot of hard work to become frnds with my sister and i HAVE to take all the credit for this one! she was always the quiet, nerd type. sitting in a corner, doing homework on time sort. 
so when she was in college, i finally noticed her and decided to bring a change in her life and so i did. i bugged her day and night to the point where she couldn't ignore me and took me in her friend's circle and the rest is history. 
How i persuaded her to show some excitement towards life is another long story. some other time.( =p , i know Abda you'd want to kill me for this baby but i cant deny the truth! )
Actually, that was the time when i realized what a beautiful person she is, concealed from our eyes but someone who has strength, wisdom, insight, sensitivity and what not!
and misbah... ummm i dont exactly recall how I made this one possible :D but even mom agrees that misbah was weird!(jk) i mean she never spoke or  participated in any activity. she would just sit (or stand) and stare until you were pissed but that 'was called analyzing. Again, my stupid summary was proven wrong when i got to know my 3 year younger sister. she is creative, sharp, quick witted and have one of the best sense of humors in the world!
in our teens, we had finally managed to make a perfect 'trika'. we would laugh like crazies on our problems, make fun of each other and everyone around, take random turns, enjoy our mistakes, console each other in bad times, help eachother to get through, give strength and advice, live the moments and always stick together!
BTW this word 'stick' reminds me of university times. me and Abda, fortunetly or unfrtunetly, went to the same college and we would just STICK together, wherever and whenever :D to everyone's great annoyance.

Side by side another heart touching story flourished as well. when i reached sixth standard, i found this pretty 'mama's girl' in my class. she was neat , obedient, well behaved, quiet, a class topper.. shortly she was everything i was not. one random day, i saw 'Hanaa Noaman' sitting quietly during break. this was heavy on my heart so i walked up to her and offered her a walk outside. reluctantly she agreed ( probably she was scared of me) and that we day we had our first chat which led to the never ending chats till today. since that day , me and Hanaa are inseparable. the best of the best friends a.k.a sisters!
Zainab Qadir is another one in my life who has this huge space in my heart. we both took all the time of this world to reach to the point where we are standing firmly right now and each day we grow to be more fond of each other. till 10th grade, she was a good friend. In college, she moved to BH and that's when the the story began. we missed each other's company and stupid jokes, wrote each other lengthy letters describing the loneliness, new college, the girls.. we backbit, gossiped, bitched in our conversations, we threw parties and went to all the extremes of fun.
we decided to accept eachother just the way we were.. no changes.. minor or major!
Although me and  ZQ have alot in common.. e.g the tendancy to talk bullshit, silly imagination, ruining someone's perfect moment, bitching to the height but there is a sensitive part to both of us that we have discovered and i guess that's our friendship niche. that has us hooked.. forever!

lastly, here comes Maliha Shah. 'leah' to be frank. i officially met her in my univerisity's 6th semester. at the time where i was perfectly comfortable and at peace with my 3 best friends and wasnt looking for another.
but that's the funny part. she never became my friend, she directly sublimed into my sister.
starting from one sleepover in  my 7th semester, this bond is growing since. she fitted in our lives so perfectly that we all were caught by surprise. even shy misbah was perfectly fine and that got me thinking' she is my lost sister... definitely she is' and time proved me right :)
when i have noone to  talk to or rather when i am in my biting mode where i dont wanna talk to anyone, leah is the one who always comes to my rescue. she understands me completely and i never hesitate to spill it all in front of her. no matter how silly my problem is, she takes it all in.
i have so much to write about these gorgeous ladies but time and space is the issue. i know i have smiles all over this writing but that is what sister's are all about!
no matter how bad the situation is or in how deep shit you are in, you'd always find them standing by ur side, lifting your spirits, give a piece of their mind, returning you, your confidence and smile and never allowing you to stand alone!

we have grown old... but i am waiting for our reunion this year when we'll giggle like 11 year olds. GOD blessus, always!

how old?
ABDA ........ a PhD fellow in UMB, Norway.
MISBAH ....... a fresh graduate of BurnHall College, Pakistan
MALIHA..... Master's student in IUJ, Japan
HANAA..... graduate of FJWU, Pakistan
ZQ..... Final year Med student in WMC, Pakistan
ME.. Master's student in CIIT, Pakistan
 ;)

Kahani mohabbat ki

11th December,2012
'Kuch bhi nhi badla... aj b sardiun ki shamien utni hi udas hain, barish ansoon ki manind barasti hai, zameen safaid barf  ko kafan ki tarhan lapait leti hai.. aj bhi har taraf woi sanata hai, aj b dil men woi veerani hai aur aj b man mandir men bus ik hi awaz goonjhti hai.. tumari hansi ki awaz'
cigerette k dhuwen ne andhere kamre men ajeeb si ghuttan paida ker rakhi thi. lamp ki halki roshni men woh thaka thaka sa apni diary likh raha tha. 
dekhne men khoobru tha. Na shave berhi woi thi aur na ankhoon men ratjagoon ki surkhi thi. Guzarte mah-o-saal men us ne apna dard chupana khoob seekh liya tha.
Ab us ki neendun ka safar bhi asaan tha magar kabhi kabhi jab khuwab ziada din us k wajood se khali rehte to ik bechaini si us ko apne hisaar men le leti. Sajdey taweel ho jate aur sarkoon ki khak channe ka dorania barh jata.
18 maheene se us ki iss mamool men shayad hi koi tabdeeli aii ho. pehle pehel us k ghar wale, dost pareshan huwe, magar ab to jaise sab ne us ki halat se samjhoota ker lia tha.Shayad iss kahani men kuch naya nhi tha. woi ik larka , woi ik larki aur woi pagal c mohabaat, jo najane kitne azeeatnak anjam dekhne k nawajood har dafa do masoom logoon k darmiyan aa khari hoti hai..

'tum chupati kiun nhi ho k tum mujhse mohabbat kerti ho?' Dobte suraj ko dekhte huwe us ne poocha. Woh us k itne araam se mohabbat pe eman lane pe heeran tha.
' jo baat ho chuki hai, ab us ka kia inkar karoon?'zara sa hans ne us jawab dia.
'aaise itni mohabbat na karo mujhse'
us ki iss baat per bari ada se us ko dekhte huwe, woh jitane wale lehjey men boli :

'mujhe samjhaya na karo k ab to ho chuki mujh ko

mohabbat mashwara hoti to tum se pooch k kerta'

woh bohat badal gaya tha. waqt kabhi ik sa nahi rehta. zindagi mien jo batien ap ko kissi morr pe khush kerti hain, phr unhi batun ko yaad ker k rona aata hai. Ali Abbas ko bhi ab har baat us ki yaad dilati thi aur har yad pe woh siwae ansoo bahane k kuch ker nhi sakta tha. andekhe ansoo jo bus us k dil pe girte they...

'Dar nahi lagta tumien?' thandi c sham men sarak k kinare baithe huwe Ali Abbas ne us se poccha.
Ice cream khate huwe us ne uper dekha 'Tum se?'
woh 'haan' kehna chata tha.. ' Waqt se... mujhse bhi' woh bohat mohtat se lehjey men bola
'tumien kabhi lagta hai k men tumien chor k chali jaun g?' ice cream cup footpath pe rakhte huwe us ne poocha
'Nahi'  itna to woh janta tha ussey
'Aisa hi yaqeen hai mujhe tum pe.. iss se b xiada. to dar kaisa?' tissue se hath saf kerte huwe woh muskura k boli.

dheehan us ki taraf nhi tha... woh bus usey dekhe gaya.

Har din woh ussey heeran kerti.. apni baatun se, khayaloon se, adatoon se, apne wajood se aur woh mabhutt sa ho jata.
kabhi ussey lagta k yeh sab kuch sach nhi hai. 'she is too good to be true.' woh apne best friend ko kehta.
Ali Abbass us k sehar men tha aur har din mazeed us ki taraf khicha chala jata. bekhud sa ho jata tha us k samne phr bhi apna ikhtiyar nhi khona chata tha. woh darne laga tha ab us se. bhagna chata tha. ussey lagne laga k aaista aaista woh khatam ho jaye ga aur har taraf bus woi reh jaye g. ik zara c larki se to woh ni har sakta na..

Ali Abbas k gahr men sab jante they un k barey men. jiss din us k abba ne usey bula k shadi kerne ka kaha to woh saaf inkar ker aya ' Awal to men shadi nhi kerna chata abhi aur agar bhi loon to b us se nahi karoon ga'
Abba pareeshan chehre liye us se bus itna hi keh paaye.' magar kiun? woh bohat achi larki hai'
' Sahira hai woh.. jadoo kerti hai' woh kuch nhi bola bus soch k reh gaya...

yehi sab us se chand din k baad bina kissi lihaz k saaf saaf usey bhi bata dia..
'Jhoot' kali ankhoon men heerat ka jahan liye woh ussey dekh rahi thi. usey yaqeen nhi aye ga woh janta tha.
ik dam hi khali ankhoon men pani bhar aya.. ghutti ghutti awaz men boli ' kia tum mujhse... mien.. achi nhi lagti tumien?'
saaf alfaz men to na kabhi na us ne kaha tha, na Ali Abbas ne. bus ik khamosh sa moida tha jaise..
ab yun pehli dafa yeh sawal kerte huwe usey bohat sharam aii. woh janti thi k aaise sawaloon ki nobat us waqt ati hai jab kehne ko kuch na reh jaye.. yeh kissi b taluq ka akhri sawal hota hai..
phr b us ne yeh akhri bazzi khaili.. apni qeemat lagai us shaks k samne..
Ali Abbas ne kuch second usey dekha aur chup chaap uth aya... ussey pata tha k woh bohat rooi ho g per ab woh kuch nhi ker sakta tha..

8 MONTHS LATER:
Is guzre waqt mien woh bohat yaad ai.. bohat se moqoon pe, bohat se batien us ki yaad dilati theen per woh dil sakht kiye raha. apne app ko behlane laga.
us din najane kiun har harba nakam ho ra tha. porra din ik bechaini men guzra tha. lakh koshish k bawajood bhi woh apna dhehan nai hata sakka. 
thak k us se apna phone nikala. 5 minute screen ko dekhta tha phr phone sidetable pe rakh dia. usy samajh nhi aa rahi thi k phoen kerna chae ya nahi. bilakhir dil mazboot ker k us ne phone ker dia.
1, 2,3,4,5 bells ... woh kiun uthae g us ka phone... aur bilkul ussi waqt phone utha lia.
'hello' woh yun jaldi se bola jaise dar ho k phone kat na jaye.

'kiun phone kia apne?' yeh us ki awaz to nhi thi.. choti ki awaz thi. kai baar us ne choti se baat ki thi, woh bohatachi tarhan pehchanta tha us ki awaz ko.
' mien.... kahan hai wo?' khud ko mazboot zahir kerne laga likin jawab men tooti c awaz ne us ko hazar andeshun men mubtala ker dia.
'please.. ab kia chate hain ap? chor dien us ko'
'choti please.. please phone mat band kerna.. just tell me.. woh kaisi hai? thek hai na?'
aur woh jo shayad yeh sunna cha ra tha k woh theek hai , bohat khush hai, us ko yaad nhi kerti.. apni zindagi men mutmain hai.. siskiyan sun k pareshan ho gaya.. dil ik lamhe men doob k ubhra..
'choti..'
'mar rahi hai woh.. ap ne kiun kiya aaisa? she was fighting cancer aur ap ne .. ' ansoo us ka jumla mukamal nhi hone de rahe they.
Ali Abbas ko laga jaise asmaan gir paraa ho.. pata nhi maut ki takleef kaisi ho g.. shayd iss se kam..
us ik lamhe k liye us ki sans jaise thehr gai thi, palkien jhapakna bhool gaya woh, na koi aahat koi na dharkan sunai di.. yaqeenan us lamhe men kainat b thehr gai ho g...
' nahi.. us ne mujhe.. she never told me' Ali Abbas ko samajh nhi arhi thi k kin alfaaz ka sahara le.. kia kahe k bazzi us k haq men ho jaye. usey laga k yeh koi khuwab hai.. bus ankh khulne ki dair hai..
'pyar kerti thi apse... pyar chae tha usey apka.. tars ya hamdardi nhi.. per you were just not worth it' ghussa, nafrat, bebasi . aur najane kia kia tha choti k lehjey men...

Ey Mohabbat tera bakht k tujhe bin mol mile
Hum se anmol jo heerun men tula kerte they..

yeh us ka pasandeeda tareen shair tha. aur hameesha sharat men yehi perha kerti thi.
'tumien pata hai dunia men jitni mohabbat aur izzat mere pass hai na tumare liye, utni kissi k pass nhi ho g'
ussey apne app pe ghusa aney laga, nafrat hone lagi..
apni soch se... kon c male ego? kon c dominance.. bus mohabbat thi.. kiss se bhag raha tha wo? us se? k woh cha jaye g us pe.. apni mohabbat se khaufzada tha .. sapurdagi se dar gaya tha..

Abhi justaju men hun us ki to ussey ehsas nhi mohsin
ro ro k pukare ga humien, zara mar to jane do...

us ki qabar pe har sham taza gulab rakhta tha. pachtawa hota tha usey.. per guzre waqt ko wapis lana mumkin nhi tha..

'woh ap ko yaad kerti thi.. akhir waqt tak.. jab tak bol sakti thi.. bus ik hafta pehle us ne baat kerni chor di thi.. woh bohat takleef men thi.. per hameesha ap k liye dua kerti thi .. kehti thi k bus ik wohi hai jiss ki ankhoon men zindagi hai. woh khafa hota hai to suraj b bujh jata hai. us ne hum sab se wada lia tha k hum apko maaf ker dien gey' woh choti se milne gaya tha. sab ne ussey maaf ker dia tha bus ik woh khud apne app ko maaf nhi ker sakka tha.

Qabaristan k gate pe baitha woh bacha roz ussey dekhta tha. aj  us k sath sath chalne laga.
'tum kon ho?' laperwahi se bache ne poocha. woh chup raha
'phool k kiya lagte ho?' bache ne dobara pocha.
'phool kon?' us ne kuch heerani se bache ko dekha
'woh' us ne peche mur k us qabar ki taraf ishara kia jahan us k laye taza gulab mehak rahe they. us k alfaaz gum ho gaye.
'to kon ho tum?'
' phool wala'
aaista se keh k woh shikasta qadmoon se bahir cahl diya...

changing meaning...

When i was a child i took fear as a bogeyman appearing out of nowhere, broken heart as refusal to buy an ice-cream, reason to cry because my sister doesn't want to play with me, my idea of fun was to watch Captain planet, play 'name-thing-place', beating my brother in ludo, eating 'chae-paratha', talking to my grandfather and holidays at Nano's place. i thought Army means brave soldiers for whom its Pakistan through and through, Doctors meant last limit of life saving efforts day n night, Police was to catch bad guys, Lawyers were to abide by the law in any case and Judges were the keepers of law ,Civil servants a symbol of truth and honor and PM and President were Pakistan's faces in the world and Politicians were poeple's voice and above all Bangladesh was just another country.

and after a decade all the meanings have changed.
Fear means loss of life in a bomb blast,
Broken heart means drone attack victims,
Army means Marshal Law,
Doctors mean strikes at the expense of poor people's lives,
Police means bribery and atrocity
PM & President mean convicted people
Judges mean rule of power
Civil bureaucracy mean embezzlement and deception
and Bangladesh means East Pakistan!!

Sometimes i wonder if ignorance is a blessing.
If i was just another typical girl, spending my energies on dress designing, focusing on my studies, hoping to get married to a sensible guy in an appropriate age and changing the channel whenever new channels come on TV, would it make my life any calmer?

what if i never decided to probe in to the past and get to know the root cause of all this mess, would i be less complex about my views about Pakistan?

i have to admit that i am cynical about my land. i think the moment i came to knew about LOVE, i instantly fell in love with Pakistan and as the old saying goes ' pehla pyar kabhi nhi bhoolta'

so here i am , a typical Pakistani who cries at every single incident.
be it the history of INDO-PAK, the partition, Death of our Leaders, Marshal Laws, Wars, Bangladesh, or the current affairs where everyday something goes wrong.

it makes me wonder that 60 years of mistakes have created so much mess that its like a woolen ball, you cant find the way out. it will just go worse but then the patriot inside me snubs the pessimist. 'every dark cloud has a silver lining' the patriot says. 'and Pakistan will come out of it. its a wound that grew inside and now its releasing the filth. every sector is being cleaned' 


Dreams... there are dreams in our eyes regarding Pakistan and prayers... 
but i fear the opponents.. are they too big to fail?

Lets go back to 'UNITY-FAITH-DISCIPLINE'
these three weapons will win our fight! 

someone like you

He left me while i stood on a deserted road... empty handed with an empty heart, bewildered, scared and lost.
'Why did you do this?" i wanted to shake the answer out of his sealed lips.  i hated his silences more than ever at that moment. ' speak for God's sake, say something' i was crying bitterly but nothing i did brought him back.

Days passed in a haze.nothing interested me and i wasn't interested in anything at all too.  as much as i wanted the world to end everything looked [pretty much the same to me each day. i stared out of my apartment window , i saw neon signs , flashy advertisements, people coming n going, girls giggling, boys hanging out and couples strolling happily...

i spent 2 weeks of my life sitting on the naked floor reminiscing, shedding fresh tear on the same thing everyday, thinking of all  the possibilities that would bring him back to me. i live in my past and ignored everything around me.i wasted 336 hours of my life over someone who wasn't coming back

and finally one day, it dawned upon me that i am at mistake. my attitude is causing me and only me the misery.

'Even if he does show up now, will things be the same between you two' my heart asked me. ' will you be able to overcome the humiliation you felt and will it ease the pain? will it bring back the lost time of your precious life and earn you the smiles in compensation of the tears?and above all will you be able to trust him again, like you did previously?'

NEVER ...

then why am i in mourning? why aren't i moving on?

'look around yourself girl, look at the life that is dancing at each footstep. if He can live without you, why cant you?' i told myself.

i looked into the mirror and saw a strained, tear streaked face of a girl who had the pain of betrayal and lost love in her eyes but i knew soon enough, i am going to replace this reflection with a girl having the glow of success and happiness on her face and eyes shinny like stars on a velvety sky!

since then i have become the hero for myself...

Never mind i'll find someone like you

i wish nothing but the best for you too

Don't forget me i beg, i remember you said

sometimes it lasts in love

but sometimes it hurts instead

i often miss him but doesn't mean that i want him back. just a random thought and a little sense of gratitude for letting me know my worth, giving me a chance to discover myself.. and making me understand that he didn't leave me,

                                                     it was all meant to be....

BTW, you can do it too... its all about re prioritizing your life and putting yourself at the top!

cheers!

Break ups

‘Breakup’ is the word that has very much become common in our lives. Every other day we get to hear about the breaks up our friends or friends of friends go through. But I think the word ‘break up’ should not be restricted to the people in a relationship, it also applies on those who are friends. Girl-girl, girl-boy or boy-boy, whatever is the case.

Since the day we gain conscious and step out in the world, we start to form our social circle. And inside the bigger social circle there is a smaller circle of people called ‘friends’. These are the people who are important; who you like very much and get absolutely attached to, and grow to love more with each passing day.

But life never remains the same. People change, situations change, scenarios change, behaviors change.

And that change is not always smooth; on the contrary it creates turbulence in many lives.

Break up leads to vows of never seeing each other again. Such decisions are hard to take and even harder to stand by. Also, they are among the saddest decisions of one’s life, from ’someone I know’ to ‘someone I knew’.

Forgetting someone is damn difficult. It takes a hell lot of courage and patience especially, if it’s all because of a stupid misunderstanding. That is the worst form of ending a relation that meant so much to you one time in life. Fight, it’s the best remedy for misunderstanding and never stay quiet. You’d lose all. we all deserve clarification and reassurance. 

Egos, for sure destroy the relations but nothing in this world is more important than your self-respect. Feel the difference.

Don’t let your ego kill what you built with love.

But once you feel that you have been chasing rainbows, decide in yourself that that’s it! You are done and through with this torture. The person who cannot give you a smile now, is highly unlikely to ever share your laughter.

But that won’t be an easy  journey. You will break down many times on your way and call that person, to see if there is any chance of a roundabout, you'd be stepping on your self esteem but I think that’s okay.

When you fall in love with someone, it only shows that how strongly you are capable of loving and how your heart is filled with the treasure of love and you are not stuck up to keep it all inside and not let it shower over people who surround you.

A broken heart takes many comforting words, many sleepless nights, a lot of tear shedding, tight hugs from best friend followed by episodes when u feel strong and when you feel like a complete loser because you care for a person who never cares back.

What is most important in this whole process is ‘faith in you’. One mustn’t loose heart over the fact that he/she is the desperate one, who is unable to let go of a jerk. Rather you are one wonderful person who has an ability to hold on to sinking ships.

Never think that loving a person made you ‘accessible’ or ‘easy’. There is not a single soul in this world that cannot be conquered by love. For when God made us, with all the other ingredients, he mixed a large bowl of love, and he had taken that bowl from his special secret cupboard of rare qualities. This is the only great quality he gave to every single person on planet earth.

And many years later, when the person who had hurt you the most in the world, meets you randomly on a busy street, forgive him/her. Forgive that person for being an ass , forgive him for the times when you counted on him the most and needed his support to get through harsh times. Trust me, it was his/her loss more than it was yours. Because it was he who, so easily, let go of one person who loved him unconditionally, cared for him immensely, prayed for him with every breath and anticipated well for him, no matter where or with whom. He is not worth even a tiny bit of space nor in your heart neither in your thoughts.

One person doesn’t define you. He/she doesn’t know the perfect person that resides in you. Just seeing you superficially couldn’t determine the depth. And if that person didn’t have time to explore you, he has no right in this world to be with you.

All those who want a strong relationship after one shake hand or phone call are desperate themselves, who just want a partner be it anyone. So why give up on yourself for a person who couldn’t even distinguish you from all the people on the street. If you do that, you’d be so wasting yourself because believe me, no one dies single. You get to meet your better half anyway.

There are many people who understand you and would give anything to see the bright smile you give that brightens up the whole room. They are your family.  Always there to support you and hold you when you are ready to kiss the ground.

Even if u do kiss the ground one time, don’t worry, when you stand up you will be much stronger a person, ready to deal with the world.

I AM A DREAMER AND WHEN I WAKE

YOU CAN’T BREAK MY SPIRIT

IT’S MY DREAMS YOU TAKE

AND AS U MOVE ON

REMEMBER ME, REMEMBER US

AND ALL WE USED TO BE

I HAVE SEEN YOU CRY, I HAVE SEEN YOU SMILE

I WATCHED YOU SLEEPING FOR A WHILE

I ‘D BE THE FATHER OF YOUR CHILD

ID SPENT THE LIFETIME WITH YOU

I KNOW YOUR FEARS AND YOU KNOW MINE

WE HAD OUR DOUBT BUT NOW WE ARE FINE

AND I LOVE YOU AND I SWEAR IT’S TRUE

GOODBYE MY LOVER, GOODBYE MY FRIEND….