‘the
beautiful green meadows , a spring, pretty flowers everywhere… and look at me,
wearing this white dress, looking like a princess. Walking down the lanes I see
happy faces all around. Cheers and that sweet song of happiness. The sun is shining
so bright. The trees are laden with fruit and the refreshing breeze … I am so
happy right now. Life is so beautiful, so worthwhile.. and I am so loved…
‘WAKE UP YOU FILTHY WHORE.’ It hardly took me 2
seconds to snap out of that dream startled by the harsh tone of the lady who
happens to be my mother. It is 4 o’ clock in the morning. ‘5 more minutes’ my sleepy
head pleads. But I am wiser enough to ignore the voice.
I am, now, used to the changed tone and there isn’t
much I can do except getting adjusted. I have to spend the rest of my life
here.
Why? You ask me. Well, because I have no hope of
leading a better life than this.
May be because I am a rape victim?
Life wasn’t this ugly all along. Difficult yes, but
not ugly.
I come from a lower middle class family where girls
are thought of as ‘expenditure’.
I have 4 sisters and 3 brothers and my father is a clerk.
I live in a small house.
I have always been a daydreamer. I thought of all
the good things to do daily that would decrease the prevailing tension in my
small world. I hated the grim atmosphere, the dirty walls that looked even more
black when everyday my mother would wail about the unfairness of God.
I wanted to have more colors in my life, I wanted to
replace the usual grey with brighter shades of pink, orange and red.
In school I used to envy the girls who seemed to
have no problems. Who would laugh loudly to express their joys and who would
chatter all day, retelling the happenings of yesterday or in general.
I never had a friend in my life. I have always been
a very submissive person. Quiet, shy and an introvert.
The cruelty of life made sure that I gain no
confidence and thus, I would always stand at bay and just stare.
3 years back, I came to know a guy. It was a hot
summer day and I was walking back from college, drenched in sweat. My throat
was dry as sand and I longed for a sip of water for my house was quite at
distance. I stopped at a shop, the street was deserted so was the shop. I
waited for someone to come and all of a sudden someone appeared from behind and
asked ‘may I help you?’
He caught me by surprised and even though I tried
but I could not kill the sudden shrill shriek that escaped my throat. It took
me a good few seconds to regain my senses and ask for a glass of water.
He stared at me intensely as I drank and even after
I walked away. I could feel his eyes boring into my back. I hurried towards
home.
Soon after that, I started spotting him. He was tall
and dark. His eyes were dark and very intense just opposite to his smile which
was mild and reassuring.
Every time I saw him, I felt myself growing fond of
him. I tried to remind myself that I am not allowed to think like this and this
is unethical.
For the first time in my life, I felt good about
something. I would keep on thinking about him for hours and all of a sudden
everything looked new to me. all the problems that seemed unbearable before,
were not a big deal anymore.
I would
gladly do all the chores without complaining at all.
One day, as I was walking back from college, he
started following me and on a deserted road, he called me then took me by hand
and told me how I have given him many sleepless nights and he can’t take it
anymore. He told me that he loves me. I believed him with all my heart.
6 months passed. We secretly met and talked like I
hadn’t talked to anyone in my life. He was the person whom I trusted more than
myself. He loved me, respected me. made me laugh and we dreamt of a beautiful
life together.
As the time passed, he grew impatient. I told him to
bring his parents and he promised me that he would do that.
It was October by then. My last days at college and
after that I had no alibis left to go see him. I was desperate to meet him for
the last time. he tooK me to a deserted house and he...
I was shocked to see the actual picture. I was
dumbfounded. I couldnt even make noise. I remember my breath stuck in my throat
as I saw in disbelief whatever was happening. All through those hours I was
quite. I wonder why my heart never stopped. I spoke to God, I asked him … why
did he do this to me?
He knew me; he knew the life I was living. He knew
that I was an unwanted child and I had no good to hang onto. He knew that I
longed for love. I made a mistake probably but did I really deserve this
punishment? I lay on the floor of an abandoned house for I don’t know how long.
I had no idea when that beast left. Night fell, I was hurt. Too hurt to stand
up or think. A veil of tears blocked my view. I wanted to die.
Suddenly the door creaked open. My heart fluttered
with fear but I had no strength to get up so I shut my eyes tightly. Familiar
voices hit my ears and my heart soared with pleasure. My family, they found me at
last. I wanted to rush towards them and hug them tightly. I wanted to tell my
brothers how the person I gave my heart to betrayed me. How he looted me off my
pride. I wanted to hide in my mothers lap. I wanted my father’s strong hands to
hold me.
Less than a minute after I heard the voices, I was
getting beaten up brutally. I saw my brother’s anguished face and I saw my
youngest brother abusing me. My father was urging my brother to kill me at the
spot. I had done an irreversible damage.
There was so much pain inside and outside my being. So
much ache in my heart… I was pain personified at that moment.
Everything went black at last.
When I reopened my eyes, I saw blurred face of my
mother.
She gave me a look of pure hate. Her words were even
more poisonous “I don’t want my sons to go to jail because of a whore like you.
I wish you just die at this moment and face God’s wrath. you are like a
punishment to us”
And my new life began. Every second after that
moment I have been treated worse than an animal.
Every day before going to sleep I ask for
forgiveness from ALLAH and every day I secretly wish to see some mercy in my
family’s eyes. But that day hasn’t come and isn’t likely to come in this
lifetime.
I am a victim of brutality, used by the powerful son
of Adam, and thrown to bear the consequences of a sin I didn’t commit.
Don’t feel pity for me, I am content with my fate
now. I have, in my heart agreed that yes I was born to serve the better gender
and I deserve to be treated like this. I have faith in the creator that he has
punished me for something. Of course, the inhuman treatment I get from the
people who know for the last 23 years shows that it’s me who is at fault. So
many people cannot be wrong at a time.
What did you say? I shouldn’t have a negative
approach and should anticipate well?
I will… if I don’t get beaten up by my brothers for
giving someone a chance.
If I don’t have to bear the loathing eyes of my
father many times a day
If I don’t have to hear the horrendous comments
other people have to make
And above all, if I don’t listen to my own mother
praying for me to die.
I am dead. I am only breathing and that is not the same
as living… what do u think?
I think i should commit suicide but deep inside my
heart, I have a dying hope and a dream attached to it…
A dream of a better life… someday… here or
hereafter.
